There’s been a lot of talk about the Duggars lately. I can’t pretend to know the pain they feel right now, and I won’t comment on their religion or lifestyle or how they choose to mourn the loss of a child. This isn’t about them.
I have to admit I was jealous when I first heard the news that Michelle Duggar was pregnant…again…with #20. And then when I heard about the miscarriage, of course my heart went out to her and the rest of her family. And I felt like a shitty person for being jealous in the first place. But I couldn’t help it. In that moment, when I saw the whole brood on the set of the Today show, announcing yet another pregnancy, I wanted to scream, “What kind of bullshit god allows this woman to have another baby, after nearly losing the last one, when there are so many who desperately want just one and aren’t allowed the privilege???!!” Of course, I would never let myself say these words out loud, and I’m sure, if anyone is reading this, there are those who are judging me for writing them here. But I’m being honest, and I don’t think I’m the only one who felt this way at the time.
The funny thing is (not funny haha), that I don’t even believe in that god. I used to believe in the kind of god who would tinker in the affairs of mere mortals, but I gave that up even before infertility shattered my illusions that any sense of justness exists in the world. Still, somewhere in the deepest recesses of my psyche, I have this nagging feeling that somehow I deserve what’s happening now. In a way, it’s my own fault. I fell in love with a man I knew had no sperm. If I had just stayed in church, I could have ended up with a nice, Christian boy with lots of super-sperm (a la Jim Bob). My mother would have been so pleased. Instead, I chose the heathen path and wound up with a sperm-less, secular Jew.
And then it passes. Because I know that none of the millions of couples who are going through what Hubby and I are going through deserve this fate. We’re not bad people, and our infertility is not the result of choices we made. And in a way, we’re lucky to be facing our particular challenges in a time when technology allows us access to medical treatment and a community of similarly-cursed people who are willing to share our struggles, comfort us through heartaches, and celebrate with us when we finally get what we’ve waited for so long. Because that’s what we deserve.