Living for Someday

I often feel like I’m waiting for my real life to begin.  Because this can’t be it.

Don’t get me wrong; my life is not terrible.  It’s actually pretty good.  I love my husband, who also happens to be my best friend, and we’ve been able to travel together and have experiences that would have undoubtedly been made more difficult with children in tow.  I have friends I can talk to about our infertility–or not.  Work is fine, perhaps more difficult on the days I find out my families are pregnant (again!?), homeless, depressed, unemployed, or ungrateful for everything they do have.

But my dream–my dream life–is to have Hubby gainfully employed, doing what he loves, while I stay home with our children.  We once discussed having five (all girls, per Hubby’s wishes), but as time drags on, I start to lose hope, little by little, and now I would consider us extremely lucky to have one.  But I can’t picture myself ever being content with a childless-not-by-choice life.

I know there are those who have done it.  Somehow, they’ve managed to fill the hole in their life that would have been filled by achieving parenthood with other things.  Marathon running.  Baking.  Book clubs.  World travel.  Surfing.  Knitting.  They’ve embraced the life that having children would have made impossible.  They celebrate spontaneity.

Personally, I can’t envision such a life.  For me, the hole where my children should be is not easily spackled over.  It’s a bottomless pit, and the more I try to cram into it, the more I realize just how big a chasm it is.  Living without children is simply not an option for me.  Just the thought of it leaves me feeling empty.

And then I think, what does that say about me, my relationship with my husband, my identity?  I would love to be able to say that he is enough.  I would love to be able to say that whatever happens, as long as we have each other, we’ll be just fine.  But that’s not the truth.  As much as we love each other, children were always part of the plan.  We’re a family of two, but that feels incomplete to both of us.

So I cling to someday and all that might come with it: my husband’s dream job, insurance that covers our infertility treatments, a sperm count that can actually be counted, a successful pregnancy (maybe even more than one), a houseful of children (by whatever means necessary).

Still, I would like to enjoy the moment for once.  To have an evening with my husband where the conversation doesn’t inevitably turn to baby names or the financial stress of infertility treatments, or hey, you still need to give me my injections tonight.

That’s my new someday.  The day I can go an hour, or a workday, or even an entire weekend, without thinking of anything baby-related.  I just wish I knew how to get there.

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8 thoughts on “Living for Someday

  1. Happy ICLW!

    Reading your post I feel like I am looking in the mirror. I read the entire post just shaking my head in agreement. I simply cannot see my life without children. I cannot see a life with my husband without children. For us, child-free is simply not an option. I love my husband, I married him because I love him and he did fill a large emptiness in my heart but he didn’t fill it all. And at the end of the day, I know that we were simply meant for more. Our hearts were made big enough to share our love with children. So I understand. I hope we both get that chance. 🙂

    • Thanks Kimberly! It’s helped me so much to be a part of this bloggerworld and know that so many others (unfortunately) are having the same feelings and experiences.

  2. Are you me? Am I you? Reading this was like reading a page out of my own diary. Thank you for the support on my blog, and count me in as one of the cheerleaders on your journey. I am so very tired of living for the future, and wondering when I will be able to live in the “now.” And yet, I can’t give up on the dream of children. Big hugs to you as you begin treatments and hope that it all works out the way you hope it will.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  3. Hi! Thanks for the comment! I know how you feel with the constant and (what feels like) never ending waiting…with the end result still being unknown. Using donor sperm isn’t for everyone and I was actually the one against it for a long time. It’s amazing the things we will do to achieve a family. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading about your journey!

    • Thanks so much! We still have a lot of waiting ahead of us, but if we ever get to the point of making a decision about donor sperm, I’ll be coming to you for advice!

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