I may have mentioned before that I’m introverted and a bit neurotic. On the Big 5 Personality Test*, I score low in extraversion and high in neuroticism. But I also score high in openness to experience. So it turns out blogging is the perfect medium for me to get all my nagging thoughts and insecurities out, without keeping them hidden away in a journal no one will ever read. Instead, I send them out into the deep space of the internet, where another introverted/neurotic soul will find them floating around, hold on tight, and think, Yes! That’s exactly how I feel about X topic/fear/situation. I know you’re out there.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the “neurotic is the new normal” bumper sticker on the back of someone’s car, but I’ve heard it often enough. And it seems about right.
My particular neurosis comes in the form of obsession. I obsess over Hubby’s fertility treatments, about next steps, about my own fertility or lack thereof (not that I have done anything about this, as I’m too worried there might actually be something wrong), about the money it will take to get there, about what we’ll do if it doesn’t work, or if it works too well and we end up with twins. These thoughts never leave me. While I’m working, while I’m falling asleep, while I’m watching TV, driving, eating, breathing.
And now, as good as blogging has been for my mood, I’ve become a bit obsessive here too. I’m thinking about what I’ll write about next, whether people will even read it, what other people are writing about, what I’ll say in my comments. It’s a good thing I can’t access the thing while I’m at work because I’m borderline compulsive when it comes to checking how many views I’ve had, replying to comments, seeing if anyone else I know has written anything clever or enlightening. It never ends.
I should convert my obsession into action–as in, making positive changes in my diet and exercise habits, taking prenatals with the hope I might actually need them someday, you know, things I actually have some control over. But I’m so much better at sitting on my ass letting my thoughts spiral out of control than exerting myself. Doing stuff is hard.
On a sort-of-related-but-not-really note, probably the best bumper-sticker I have ever seen was witnessed while driving around with my best friend in college, right around the time we were becoming disillusioned with the “Christian” group of friends we hung out with: “Sorry I haven’t been to church in a while. I’ve been too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.”
What’s your best/most fitting bumper sticker?
*Hubby is in a psychology-related field, although it is in no way therapy, and he gave me this test and scored it for me. It seems to accurately describe my personality.