Descent into (March) Madness

Every year, my husband makes me invites me to participate in what the basketball nerds call bracketology.  He sends me the link, and I guess who’s going to win each match-up based on gut-feeling or whether or not I like the school’s colors or mascot or if I have any connection geographically.  This year, Hubby’s alma mater is a #5 seed, but I would gladly pick them to win it all.

Our city also happens to be hosting some games, and Hubby tried to convince me that we needed to spend $90 each to attend a couple of them.  He must have been full-on crazy if he thought I would say yes to that.  Especially given my tendency to melt down in crowded places.

Speaking of meltdowns, if I were to describe my mood lately as if I were one of the kiddos I work with, I would use the words “fussy,” “irritable,” or possibly “cranky-pants.”  But, as I am a grown-ass woman, I think I have to tell it like it is: I’ve been a raging bitch.  Hubby undoubtedly gets the brunt of this (poor Hubby).  At work, it’s a lot of grumbling under my breath or shouting profanities at other drivers (who clearly are far less skilled behind the wheel than I am) from the safety of my car.  With the windows rolled up.

I can’t point to anything specific that’s been setting me off, other than my period is due this weekend.  But it’s been going on a little too long to use PMS as an excuse.  I worry that it’s my old friend nemesis depression creeping back in.  I’ve been able to ward her off lately, and I have to say, I think airing the crazies publicly here has helped tremendously.

What I think is doing me in is all the optimism being spewed by people who really should know better.  Like doctors.  I wish Dr. C had never told me “it’s possible” for Hubby to regain normal counts.  Because as much as I tried not to let it, that shit got my hopes up.  And we actually had well-timed sex this month, and shortly after the HSG, which is supposed to be some kind of miracle worker, too.

I’m sure I’ll get my period on Saturday.  There’s no reason (really) to believe otherwise.  And I don’t want to believe otherwise because that just leads to me being crushed.  And I’ve had quite enough of that.


P.S.  Between the two of us, my bracket usually wins.

16 thoughts on “Descent into (March) Madness

  1. I hear you! It’s the optimism that’s the worst, right? If it helps, can you do something on Saturday that would be distracting? I mean, so you wouldn’t do what so many of us do and obsess over it all day?

    Also, I echo Theresa on both the depression and the basketball thing. Plus, besides the $90, the games here are all in the early afternoon – so it’s not only spending the money, it’s also getting out of work early and/or fighting the downtown traffic just to go see a game.

    • I was supposed to go for a hike with a friend this weekend, but I have a feeling I’m going to be all crampy, and I won’t feel up to it. Which means I’ll be subjected to college basketball on TV with Hubby. I guess there are worse things I could be doing. Can’t think of any right now…

  2. $90 each? For that you could get a discount airfare and go on a mini vacation! But to each their own, I guess, and judging from my Facebook feed lately your husband is hardly alone.

    I know what you mean about being done in by other people’s optimism. It just kills me when my husband says he’s sure this is going to be the month. The bitch that lives in my brain wants to say, What makes this month different from the last forty-two? Usually I don’t say it out loud. I hope this Saturday brings you a great surprise, but if it doesn’t, pity party at my place (Sunday is going to be the day for me).

    • My husband is what I like to call annoyingly optimistic, but it wasn’t him this time. Stupid doctors.

      And how’s this for a surprise? I got my period a day early instead. So sign me up for the pity party!

  3. Ha, there’s something in the air about that Hope sneaking in. Both in my reader, through experts!, in my own mind and ehem.. Internet search..

    Are you listening to the Fertility Seminar this week? Well, the other day there was a question to one of the experts: “if we feel we are ready with family building do we need to use contraception?” The answer: “yes, of course you have to! there’s no reason to believe it can’t happen naturally.”

    Well, it spins our heads around doesn’t it. Anyway, hope the sad and depression keeps at bay for you.

    • Thanks, marwil. If I use my head instead of my heart (or stupid, pointless hope), I’m sure I’ll get over this one, too. Maybe next month, after we get the SA results, I’ll really have something to look forward to!

  4. Wow, seems like alot of us are feeling the same way this week. Hopeful, even if we don’t want to be. I’ve been a total B this week, too. I’m supposed to start Monday and I know I’m PMS-isn hard but I still caved and took a test the other night. Even with the BFN, I still find myself thinking of all the stories, how it doesn’t always show up that early. Uggghh! Wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. I hope you don’t succumb to your old problem, but hopefully its just hormones. I know I’ve been a big bawling baby for the last three days. I haven’t even felt like blogging about how miserable I’ve been. A nice relaxing massage sounds like a dream! Now I want one…

    • Maybe it was at least partly PMS because I actually feel a lot better today. Then again, maybe it’s because I won’t get my hopes up again (at least not for the next three weeks). Sorry about the BFN. You would think that after a certain amount of time we’d know better than to test or get our hopes up at all, but it doesn’t seem to work that way. I hope, for both of us, that we get that second line soon!

  5. There’s 2 things Id like to point out here as the lone dissenter. 1. If you feel depressed, get it treated and tell your RE and regular dr, the group of you can make a plan to wean off whatever meds should you become pregnant. There is no data that taking AD’s before a pregnancy does anything but make the woman suffering miserable. A miserable woman will never become pregnant. Nor will she allow herself to be happy with the small steps forward that will lead you to your larger goal.

    2. I agree with the others, get a massage, buy a book, a new CD, get a pedicure, buy a pair of sandals whatever makes YOU happy. Make a practice of taking good care of your needs.

    The last thing, and perhaps the most important thing is, the entire idea of procreation is based on hope, so stop punishing yourself for hoping. You cant cure normal. So stop trying.

    I’m really really sorry if I have overstepped or if I sound bossy, I just dont want anyone going down this road to suffer more than they have to. Please note that all the suggestions are just suggestions, take the advice or leave it, but I give it with the best of intentions. And lots of hope for you.

    • I don’t think you’re overstepping at all! I have my ups and downs, just like anyone else dealing with infertility, but I can fairly confidently say I am not currently depressed. Having said that, I have considered going back to therapy, which is a bit scary because the last therapist I had was terrible. Thank you for your concern, and I agree hope isn’t always a bad thing. It’s the crushing disappointment that follows most months that’s so hard to take.

      • Ok. You know you best, I dont mean to imply anything, I’m sorry.

        See if your clinic has any kind of peer to peer support (if they dont then they should know of some) or if there are any IF or IVF support networks in your area.

      • No need to apologize. I’ve never had an official diagnosis of depression, and I’ve never been on antidepressants. They kind of scare me. But talking definitely helps, and this blog has actually done wonders for my mood! Thanks for the suggestion about the support group. I’ll look into that!

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