How Crazy Am I?

Good question.  And there are many, many answers to this question, but let’s focus a little (a feat sometimes difficult for a crazy person, but here goes).

Last year, months before we started fertility treatments, I decided it would be a good idea to start crocheting a baby blanket.  Why?  Because I am insane.  And because I needed a project to keep my mind off the fact that I desperately wanted a child and we were no closer to having one.

It took months.  Months and months, I can’t even remember how many.  There was nothing difficult about the pattern, except that it was mostly single crochet, which is time-consuming, and that it’s woven, so it was like crocheting two blankets instead of just one.  I chose colors that are not at all baby-ish, and since I cannot see into the future, fairly gender-neutral.  (Hubby says the pink is a bit overwhelming, but I disagree.)  I had meant to do the whole border in the darkest color, but since I ran out of it, and this cotton-wool organic blend was not cheap, I went with a multi-colored border.

Once I finished the thing (oh, and it’s still not really finished–I have strings hanging all over the opposite side), I hated it.  I had loved putting it together, the colors I had chosen, how they all looked together, but seeing it (mostly) done, I hated the stupid thing with every fiber of my being.  Just another not-so-subtle reminder of what we do not have.

It now sits in plastic bag in a corner of the living room, next to the TV.  If I looked really hard, I’m sure I could find a better place to store it.  Somehow, though, putting it away just leaves the possibility of stumbling upon one day in the future, and if we still don’t have a baby by that time, who knows what kind of cliff that discovery could send my sanity over?  So here it sits.  I have become mostly numb to its presence.  Most days.  Someday I hope I’ll go back to thinking it was a good idea.  Back to thinking it’s pretty.  And I really hope that someday I have a use for it.

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13 thoughts on “How Crazy Am I?

      • After 3 days of hiding from everyone, not talking to anyone, I am officially sick of myself. Which usually means I’m not quite there yet but in a day or so I will get up dust myself off and come out fighting again. Thank you for asking after me.

        I understand your feelings about your blanket. Last summer I painted one of the empty bedrooms in my house. Knowing somewhere deep inside I was preparing it for a baby but not admitting it to myself or my husband. When it was finished, he said ” This would be a perfect baby’s room”. Since then, I nearly never go in there, because while its beautiful, there is a comfortable chair in there, and a bookcase, its peaceful and serene, I know its not for me.

        Sometimes its best to put it away until its time.

  1. I love that blanket and think it’s beautiful. I do have to agree with the hubster though — the pink does stand out a bit. So, I think that means you are all set for a little girl … or for making another blanket. 🙂 I know someday you’ll have a use for it!

  2. I’m so impressed…that blanket looks intricate. If you hide it then hide it someplace you never go to. I’ve done the same thing, but I hid it in the linen closet so I would stumble upon it each time I changed the sheets.

  3. oh wow, I love it! But no, you are not crazy at all. I can see the difficult feelings and if you have grown resentment towards it, that’s understandable. I have a half knitted little cardigan I can’t bear to finish, we’ll see if that changes in the future. It’s tough to keep the hope alive at all times.

  4. I’ve been so scared to make or buy anything baby related. I start blankets and then stop til I hear about a pregnancy announcement and then continue work on it and give it as a gift. I don’t think you are crazy to make one. If I had the guts, I would make one myself. (By the way, I think its so pretty!) My issue is with my grandmother, she has already made a quilt and a crocheted blanket for our yet to happen baby. By the time that I finally do get pregnant, I figure she will have at least 5 blankets made for me.

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