Daryl’s Reasons Why Not*

*Yes, I realize I’m totally stealing this title from a short-lived TV series that I never even watched (did anyone?), but for the purposes of this post, it works.

I’ve debated about posting this at all.  It makes me seem more neurotic than usual, but here it is.

I need some help here.  It’s 8dpo (days post-ovulation).  To keep what ragged threads of sanity I have left, I can’t let my unreliable body convince my brain that it’s feeling symptoms that probably do not exist.  Here’s my list of reasons I can’t possibly be pregnant (so far):

  • These little twinges and pangs I’m feeling in the region below my belly button are clearly just gas and not implantation cramps.  Or maybe I need to poop.
  • Likewise, beige is not an indication of implantation bleeding.
  • This backache started long before ovulation and is not a symptom of possible pregnancy.
  • Nurse S did say Hubby’s SA “doesn’t look good.”  ‘Nuff said.
  • My sensitive right nipple is just having a bad couple of days.

My mantra has to be “I’m not pregnant,” simply because, otherwise, I will tell myself that I am, or even that I might be, which will only lead to bitter disappointment when my period does indeed arrive.  I have to have reasons not to be.

Like that I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins only when I remember, which is not often.  Or that I haven’t been able to stick to a pregnancy-friendly diet and exercise plan, which means that any embryo unlucky enough to implant itself at this point wouldn’t stand a chance.  Or, if it did, would only make me miserable because I’ll become fat and feel guilty for not taking better care of my body (including any possible baby residing there).

But the facts remain, and hope keeps sneaking in:  we had good ol’ baby-making sex two days before and the day of ovulation; Hubby’s balls have increased both in size and firmness the past couple of months, which is a sign that they’re doing something; he’s been feeling friskier, too, which means his hormones are closer to being where they should be; and his SA being “off” is better than it being completely devoid of sperm.  And I think, for a moment (okay, a moment at a time, on and off, all day long) that maybe both our bodies are working–at least working well enough for a long-shot.  Maybe we can use that $20,000 in the bank for a down payment on a house instead of IVF.  Maybe we don’t have to continue to torture ourselves.

But all this hope is leading me down a path I don’t need to follow to know where it ends.  I’m not pregnant.

So please, please, tell  me I’m being completely irrational, as I know I am.  Because I can’t talk myself into being pregnant at this stage of the game.  Most likely, we have a long road ahead of us, and if I start making myself crazy now, it won’t end.  Ever.  Or at least until I’m holding our baby in my arms.

Is this a headache I feel coming on?  I have been awfully dizzy the past couple of days.  Seriously, ladies.  I need help.

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20 thoughts on “Daryl’s Reasons Why Not*

  1. Oh, I know this story well. The thing is, you’re not being irrational. You’re being hopeful, which is hard not to do when you want something so much. Of course, self protection is also important. What to do? (I could have written this post so many times over the past 2.5 years.)

    I know, I’m no help. Sorry. I will “secretly” keep my fingers crossed that you are seeing signs of a little miracle though. That would be lovely.

    In a few more days you’ll know either way, and in the meantime, take care! (PS A few skipped vitamins should be fine! And plenty of women get pregnant while exercising and eating a less than perfect diet.)

    • It’s always the people who do so little to take care of themselves who seem to get pregnant so easily. But just to be clear, not having a pregnancy-friendly exercise routine means I’m basically sitting on my ass on the couch.

    • We will eventually have our family. I’m sure of that. I just feel like maybe I shouldn’t be so sure this month. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

  2. I know exactly how you are feeling. When my husband’s count went up to 50, I put myself through this same rigamarole of “I could be pregnant” even though I knew in the back of my mind that is was near impossible. The only upside to it was that it only lasted one month and once it didn’t happen I realized that I was just stressing myself out. So it never really happened again. I don’t know if this makes you feel better or worse, but if it doesn’t happen this month maybe you will also be able to forget about it next month.

    • I don’t even have a number yet, that’s how crazy I am! I think I would feel a lot better if we had a clear plan. If Dr. C would just say, okay, now we have enough sperm to do ICSI. Let’s do this thing! That’s what I really need right now. I hope we’ll have some kind of plan by next month.

  3. I agree with sass! You are being way too hard on yourself. It’s okay to hope & to be positive, even when you don’t have a lot of logical reasons to be. I used to convince myself I was pregnant when there was zero chance of it happening (I’d explain why but that would involve some serious TMI) – but there’s no harm in harboring a little glimmer of hope – just stop beating yourself up about it already! 😉

    • I know. This blog is such a joy to read these days, isn’t it? Oh, great, more of Daryl’s neurotic ramblings. Yay. 😉

      Thanks for going easy on me!

  4. Why not! I have just read one of those unexpected-surprise-pregnancy-announcment while waiting to start treatments, they are out there now and then. I’m just the same even if the only thing that ever got me pregnant was IVF with ICSI, so you are definitely not alone in this.

    • Thanks. Every time I read one of those stories, my emotions yo-yo between hopeful and bitter, because I think if I “know” the person it happened to, it can’t possibly happen to me, too. Whenever I get all worked up like this, thinking there’s even a tiny sliver of hope I might be pregnant, I usually feel better once CD1 rolls around and I can stop worrying about it.

  5. That hope is a sneaky bitch, how can you not go crazy in the 2ww when even the slightest possibility exists, because you know you’ve seen crazier shit happen and even in this community when nothing seems to go right. Okay, it’s not even my husbands balls and I’m annoyed over here that you don’t have better information on his test results yet. Need some facts and numbers people! Sanity is on the line!

    • Right? It drives me crazy that professionals who specialize in infertility don’t realize how crazy they make us! They should know better.

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