*Yes, I realize I’m totally stealing this title from a short-lived TV series that I never even watched (did anyone?), but for the purposes of this post, it works.
I’ve debated about posting this at all. It makes me seem more neurotic than usual, but here it is.
I need some help here. It’s 8dpo (days post-ovulation). To keep what ragged threads of sanity I have left, I can’t let my
unreliable body convince my brain that it’s feeling symptoms that probably do not exist. Here’s my list of reasons I can’t possibly be pregnant (so far):
- These little twinges and pangs I’m feeling in the region below my belly button are clearly just gas and not implantation cramps. Or maybe I need to poop.
- Likewise, beige is not an indication of implantation bleeding.
- This backache started long before ovulation and is not a symptom of possible pregnancy.
- Nurse S did say Hubby’s SA “doesn’t look good.” ‘Nuff said.
- My sensitive right nipple is just having a bad couple of days.
My mantra has to be “I’m not pregnant,” simply because, otherwise, I will tell myself that I am, or even that I might be, which will only lead to bitter disappointment when my period does indeed arrive. I have to have reasons not to be.
Like that I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins only when I remember, which is not often. Or that I haven’t been able to stick to a pregnancy-friendly diet and exercise plan, which means that any embryo unlucky enough to implant itself at this point wouldn’t stand a chance. Or, if it did, would only make me miserable because I’ll become fat and feel guilty for not taking better care of my body (including any possible baby residing there).
But the facts remain, and hope keeps sneaking in: we had good ol’ baby-making sex two days before and the day of ovulation; Hubby’s balls have increased both in size and firmness the past couple of months, which is a sign that they’re doing something; he’s been feeling friskier, too, which means his hormones are closer to being where they should be; and his SA being “off” is better than it being completely devoid of sperm. And I think, for a moment (okay, a moment at a time, on and off, all day long) that maybe both our bodies are working–at least working well enough for a long-shot. Maybe we can use that $20,000 in the bank for a down payment on a house instead of IVF. Maybe we don’t have to continue to torture ourselves.
But all this hope is leading me down a path I don’t need to follow to know where it ends. I’m not pregnant.
So please, please, tell me I’m being completely irrational, as I know I am. Because I can’t talk myself into being pregnant at this stage of the game. Most likely, we have a long road ahead of us, and if I start making myself crazy now, it won’t end. Ever. Or at least until I’m holding our baby in my arms.
Is this a headache I feel coming on? I have been awfully dizzy the past couple of days. Seriously, ladies. I need help.