It’s gotta get better.

Lloyd: I have a letter from your daughter. I don’t know which version she sent.
Jim: “You can’t know the horrible disappointment I feel…”
Lloyd: I know this part, keep reading.
Jim: She can’t still be angry at this. It’s gotta get better.
Lloyd: It does, it does if it’s the version signed ‘I still can’t help loving you’. It gets better.
Jim: Just her name.
Lloyd: Just knowing a version like that exists, knowing that for a minute that she felt that and wrote ‘I still can’t help loving you’. That’s gotta be a good thing, right? That’s gotta be a good thing.

~Say Anything… (1989)

I’ve written about the idea of parallel universes before, and how it’s a comforting thought for me that somewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of me that has everything she’s ever wanted.  Everything I’ve ever wanted.  And is happy.  Today, I’m a little jealous of this other version of myself.

We got some bad news yesterday.  Yet another rejection letter, this one just two days past the application deadline.  What the hell is going on?  Hubby was a really good fit for this position.  At least, he thought so.  What are we doing wrong?  And I say “we” because I feel a responsibility in this, too.  I’ve helped Hubby edit every single cover letter he’s sent out.  Maybe neither of us knows what the fuck we’re doing.

I hope you’re happy, other me.  Because we’re struggling right now.  Our options are dwindling, until the only thing left will be moving to Hubby’s home country without a job, simply because fertility treatments are cheaper there.  And he has family there.  I won’t be completely out of my element (just mostly), but it feels like a big step for so much uncertainty.

And that’s how everything feels right now.  Uncertain.  Hubby keeps assuring me that, no matter what, we’re moving in three months.  We don’t know where.  We don’t know if he’ll have a job.  Three months isn’t very long.  Not long enough for me to wrap my brain around all the possibilities, even the pleasant ones.  The sooner we move, the sooner we can start IVF.

I wish I could pick up some sort of cosmic phone or send an interstellar email to alterna-me and ask her what exactly she did to get where she is now.  Which choices she made that led her down the sunnier path.  To know where she turned left when we turned right.  Maybe our summer is still salvageable.  I just wish I knew which steps to take to make everything better.

I heard this song on the radio today.  It’s one I have a tendency to sink into when I’m in a funk.  And I’m definitely there today.  “I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn’t real–but that’s not the way it feels.”


22 thoughts on “It’s gotta get better.

  1. I love this post and the idea of a parallel life, kind of like “Sliding Doors. But instead of the train door closing (or not closing), what if I didn’t have infertility? Would I be a more confident, less anxious mother? Or in the end, would I be pretty much the same?

    I’m sorry there’s so much ambiguity right now. I hope you both get some clarity soon.

    • Thanks, jjiraffe. I hope we’ll have some answers and some kind of plan in the next few weeks.

      At this point, I wouldn’t even necessarily wish away the infertility, just that we could get started with the next steps. I hate feeling stuck. But if some version of myself has it figured out, there must be hope for me, right?

  2. Oh, man, out there, in a parallel universe, your other self would still read this post and understand, don’t you think? Because 8 months from now or maybe 5 or maybe 14, you’ll read this post and it will only seem a vaguely familiar feeling because you’ll be happier wherever you are then.

    What a great song. I wish we still had operators sometimes.

    • I hope so. We’ve just been in this terrible limbo for so long, I have a hard time even picturing what moving forward is going to be like.

  3. I am sending some serious good vibes your way. Things will get better, and until they do, we’re all here, with our good vibes, hoping for those better things on your behalf.

  4. Sometimes, things come together at the last minute. Our lease ends at the end of this month. ( the apartment is pretty nice, but the neifhborhood it is in is NOT nice. )We had hoped to rent a house but when I lost my job at the end of April I figured that idea was hosed. Yesterday Hubster came home talking about one of his teachers is looking to rent a house (well, technically, a mobile home – but it’s in the country, in a much nicer little town and has a yard and is less $ per month and the guy probably won’t care about our abysmal credit scores) by the end of the month. Sure, nothing is set in stone- we haven’t even seen it yet, but it has kind of fallen into our lap, at the last minute. Hoping and praying that stuff comes together for you guys!!!!! *hugs!*

    • I hope it works out for you guys. I keep thinking that something will come along at the last minute, but that terrifies me! I need a plan. Maybe this is just an opportunity for me to embrace spontaneity.

  5. I hope your parallel self whispers to this one and tells her that it will all work out … that’s what I keep holding out for, anyway. 🙂 Sending you good thoughts …

    … and so many thanks for stopping by today!

  6. Whoa, so much uncertainty at one time. My heart goes out to you. Living in the grey and the what if just stinks. But it’s good to get out your thoughts and try to process all of the possibilities. Try to focus on what is going right right now. I know that sounds simple, but snuggle with the Hubby, surround yourself with good friends, remind yourself of your awesomeness. The little things will carry you through. In other news … I LOVE the new look of this blog. I almost thought I stumbled on the wrong page. It’s fabulously unique!

    • Thanks! I was going for “fabulously unique”!

      I’m definitely trying to enjoy the time we have now, but it’s so hard not to try to skip ahead to what’s next. Whatever that is.

  7. First off, you are my blogger hero for quoting Say Anything! I love that movie; so many great lines. It’s funny how you can hear a quote or lyric or line from a movie and though you may have heard it a million times before, suddenly it applies to your life. Hang it there, it’s bound to get better. My husband and I finally just got new jobs in the same month after being stuck in the same jobs since we got married in 2007! Just when I thought nothing would ever change for us, it’ s like….BAM. Changes galore. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that something good will happen soon!

    • One of my all-time favorite movies!

      I’m so happy you got a job you’re excited about! Hubby’s been applying for jobs for the better part of 4 years, so it’s been really rough. I hope change is coming for us soon!

  8. I love the concept of parallel universes, and your idea that there is another you out there with all she’s ever wanted. I hope the next few months bring you the certainty you are seeking – and that one day you can look back and in a Garth Brooks “Unanswered Prayers” kind of way, realize that in fact your path, not the one belonging to the other you, is the sunnier one.

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