Plan? What plan?

Hubby and I had a good talk last night about what our other options might be.  In the past, we’d discussed the possibility of moving to a state that mandates coverage for IVF, even if that meant he’d have to start applying for jobs outside his desired field.  His field obviously isn’t paying off so far, so it couldn’t hurt to chart a new course.  It’s been almost four years of searching, applying, and getting nothing but rejection letters in return.  It might be time for a change.

It must be hard on him, though.  I know he has a vision for what his future and his career should look like, and the thought of screwing with all of that has to be scary.  The fact that he’s willing to make this sacrifice for me and for our future family tells me where his priorities are, and I love him beyond words for putting a chance at growing our family ahead of his career.  Still, it feels like a lot to ask.  I’m torn.

If we move to his home country, as terrifying as it is for me, we’ll at least have a support system there, and he thinks that once he’s got a foot in the door, getting a job that will set him out on the right career path will be…not easy, but doable.  And even if he starts applying for jobs in other fields, that’s not a guarantee he’ll actually get one.

It stresses me out to think about all of this.  I’ve got to get myself moving and out of my own head.

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19 thoughts on “Plan? What plan?

  1. I moved to my husband’s home country last fall and it has been challenging, but the bigger picture is that I am enjoying myself and finding new things to do and enjoy! You might find that it can be a pretty good adventure 😉 Can I ask what’s his home country??

    • I’m trying very hard not to give away any identifying information about Hubby on my blog, but if you don’t mind, I could email you. I’d love to hear more about your experiences and how you’re adjusting to a new country, culture, and language. If we do end up there, it will definitely be an adventure!

  2. Sometimes the only thing you can do is look ahead and not behind. Having a support system in place will be important when you conceive. And I dont say if. I say when because I know enough about you that you will be a parent in whatever form that takes at some point, hopefully sooner than later.

    Just remember that sometimes courage means taking a leap of faith into the unknown. While it can be as scary as anything you have ever done in your life, it can also be freeing, liberating, and an opportunity to define yourself differently.

    Your package, including the silly chocolate bar will go out tomorrow. I went to 5 stores looking for that one. I should have just bought it and had it shipped to you!

    When you get it, please let me know. Because the stones I choose for you were for a reason. They are delicate, in my opinion lovely and come to you with the very best of intentions.

    • I just hate not having a plan. I guess, no matter what happens, it’ll be a test of my ability to adapt. As long as Hubby and I are in it together, I know we’ll be okay.

      I’m so looking forward to the package! Sorry if I was a total pain. Can’t wait to see the bracelet!

  3. We are in a similar situation and I’ve been working on a post for awhile now to process my thoughts. But the long and short of it is that my husband is taking a job on the other side of the country with my brother and father working in a camp. He will be 2 weeks out there and 1 week home rotations. Thankfully they cover his flights there and back each time, but its been a difficult decision to come to. I have to learn to live without my husband for 2 weeks at a time. But the money he will be making is almost 2.5 times more an hour than hes making here. So in less than a year, we can afford our first few rounds of IVF.

    I have no words to make it better or easier on you, but you aren’t alone. Take a breather and take each day as it comes. Don’t be afraid to talk out potential plans and think about it, but step away from it for a bit too. A fresh perspective after a break can help you see things in a new light. Thinking of you guys during this 🙂

    • That does sound like a hard decision. Ugh, I can’t even imagine. It’s strange what we’ll put ourselves through to reach the ultimate goal. I’ll be thinking of you guys, too, and thanks for the advice.

  4. I too moved to my husband’s home country of Finland (from the USA), albeit 14 years ago, but still, it was scary and exciting at the time. Sure, it does take some time to build a support system (outside of his family), but it is possible and life can be just a great and wonderful.
    Let me know if you have questions about moving or want some experiences I’ve had. 🙂

    • Thanks so much, Heather. I would love to hear about your experiences as well. I’m not so worried about how our life there will end up. It’s more about being scared to death about moving there without a plan. As of right now, Hubby doesn’t have a job lined up, but I’m sure he’ll figure something out before we make a move that big!

  5. My husband is away alot of the time but with the current economic state,we cant afford for him to stay home and work here..I wish I could go with him and I know its something he is starting to hate but the options really are limited.I think its great you have a chance to move somewhere new with your hubby and maybe a change will be a positive thing for both of you.Its just one step closer to your happy-ever-after after all.

    • The economy sucks! Hubby has gotten rejection letters claiming that they had 180+ applicants for one job. I’m sure in better economic times, this wouldn’t be such a huge issue. Thanks for your support!

    • Without going into too much detail, he has a PhD and has been teaching part-time while looking for a permanent position for 4 years.

  6. Like Veetamia and Heather, I too would be very happy to talk about the ups and downs, the challenges and joys, of international moves. My experience, like yours would be (to an extent, perhaps; I don’t know how long he’s been away), was made easier because I could join the life my husband had already established – friends, family, activities – which gave me a good base from which to branch out on my own. Like many things in life, the experience is what you make of it, and given what I see of you from your writing here, I am confident you could make the most of it!

    • Hubby has lived in the US for 12 years, so he doesn’t exactly have a circle of friends he’d be returning to. I have met a friend of his from college on one of our visits, but they don’t live in the same area we’d be moving to. I would still love to hear about your experiences, though, and I’m sure you have a lot of insights that will help me out!

  7. Wow…so not only are you dealing with infertility, you’re also dealing with other huge issues – careers, potentially moving abroad, balancing the needs of both partners. That is intense! I wish I had some suggestions, like some of the other folks, but I’ve never had to make such a big move. However, I know you two will do what is right for you, and I have faith that it’ll all work out. (Also, thanks for the link! That almost makes me want to move to New Jersey just for IVF coverage….)

    • It does feel intense, not because of the move itself, but because of all the uncertainty. I hope some of that will be resolved within the next month or so.

      You’re so welcome for the link. It’s good information to know, just in case. I’ve never been to New Jersey, but it’s not at the top of my list! 😉

  8. Such hard things…remember though, a move does not have to be forever. If you think about moving somewhere (another state, another country) you could also plan to reevaluate in a year or two. Then, if you’re happy, you can stay longer, and if not, you can go home again.

    I hope the job search starts looking up soon.

    • Thanks, sass! I think there’s a balance we’d have to achieve–giving ourselves enough time to get used to a new place versus sticking it out because we think we have to, even if we’re miserable. I hope the latter will not be the case, though!

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