Emotional Hangover

Yesterday was another doozy.

The work day wasn’t so bad.  Five home visits in a row, no cancellations.  It went fast.  I was home by 4:00.  It wasn’t until later that everything turned to shit.

First, I was mad at myself for waiting a little too long to buy our concert tickets.  General admission (which is what my sister wanted) was already sold out, so I bought us the closest seats I could get.  It wasn’t a huge deal, but I was already on my own nerves.

Then there was the news–which wasn’t really news because we already suspected it–that Hubby didn’t get a fellowship that would have allowed him to return to his home country with a job.

But it was when we were waiting to pick up dinner that things really got bad.  It didn’t start out that way.  I was in a decent mood.  I was thinking about Katie @ from IF to when.  About how she and her husband were meeting the birth mother of their little girl that day, and how I was so happy for them.  I said something to Hubby along the lines of, if we were settled somewhere, I would be tempted to begin the adoption process at the same time as IVF because it can take so long.

This turned into a huge fight.  Not right away, sitting there in the restaurant, but later, when we got to the car.  Hubby was upset that I was putting unnecessary pressure on him, when he didn’t even have a job yet.  I tried to explain that I was still speaking hypothetically; obviously we weren’t in a place where we could adopt right now.  Which led to him basically saying he doesn’t want to adopt anyway.

Which broke my heart.

Because we had talked about it.  It wasn’t like I was bringing up the idea of adoption out of the blue.  I would say I wanted to adopt a little girl from China.  He would chime in with a boy from Africa.  But I guess he wasn’t as serious as I was when we were having these discussions.  While we were both speaking in hypotheticals, his adopted children were more hypothetical than mine.  And I still haven’t been able to convince him of the virtues of foster adoption.

What I was trying to convey–perhaps clumsily–is that I want to be a mother now.  I don’t care where our child comes from, I just want to hold him/her in my arms.

So I cried, which upset him.  Our last stop yesterday evening was the grocery store.  I sat in the car, dabbing at my eyes, while he went in for what seemed like an eternity for the few things we needed.  (Just FYI–don’t look at yourself in the mirror when your eyes are still brimming with tears.  At least, for me, it just starts the waterworks all over again.)  He did come out with a bouquet of flowers–I think partly because last time I got so upset, I asked him what had happened to the husband who would bring me flowers when I’d had a bad day.

I was tempted to go to bed early, but I didn’t.  One of my favorite things about weekends is that Hubby and I actually get to go to bed at the same time, which doesn’t happen during the week.  So I stayed up, at one point perusing our local foster adoption website and nearly weeping for the teenage kids and sibling groups looking for their forever homes.  And I went to bed when Hubby did.   I woke up feeling run-over, with a slight headache.

So when Hubby invited me to go to the growers’ market with him this morning, I declined.  It’s a minefield of pregnant bellies and babies of all ages snuggled in at chest level in some kind of sling or contraption, plus toddlers and tykes in tow.  And I was feeling just too fragile to take that on today.  Hubby went by himself.  But he still brought me cinnamon bread because he is awesome like that.

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7 thoughts on “Emotional Hangover

  1. You guys have been having a rough time of it lately and I’m so sorry. Maybe you can approach the topic again in a less emotionally charged environment and find out where the two of you really stand on the adoption issue.

    I can totally see where both of you are coming from and there’s no right or wrong here. Your hubby clearly feels badly about not being able to provide for you now and it seems like that’s a sensitive topic. Your musings probably sounded slightly accusatory because he feels responsible for not being able to meet your needs and make you happy.

    Take a break and regroup. I know you’d like him to comfort you now, but he may be the one in need of reassurance and just not expressing it. Tell him all the ways he makes you happy and how you know the two of you will get through any hardship together. Thinking good thoughts for you both 🙂

    • Thank you for the perspective. Of course Hubby is hurting, more because of not having a job than not having a baby. And I think his pride is hurting, too. I’m trying to be supportive, but sometimes I feel like I have to push him, too (not what this argument was about, but still). We’re both frustrated, which leads to a lot of tension, but we usually get over our disagreements pretty quickly. And, like you said, we can revisit this one at a better time.

  2. Sorry I didn’t see this in my inbox sooner 😦
    That is tough, it just sucks. I get where you are coming from; you need the hope, the plan, the knowledge that someday this is all going to work out. I’m that way. I need to know there is the possibility of light at the end of the tunnel do I can soldier on through stress, doubt and fear. But I can also see where Hubby is coming from. Feeling like he’s got enough on his plate to figure out, he can’t add anything else. It’s good that you guys have a history of getting past arguments quickly, just make sure it’s not because your avoiding the real issues, you know? Take time to love eachother and support one another, but also make the time to talk about (“debrief”) what happened. *hugs*

  3. I know you have both had a really rough go of it lately. And I know you really really need something to change, and something to hope for or look forward to.

    I’m betting your hubby’s (see what I did there) feeling really bad and his perspective is skewed right now because hes defensive about not working. I’m also betting that once things change so will his feelings about everything including adoption. For him the immediate is so overwhelming seeing a few years down the road is almost impossible.

    Being at this place is hard on a marriage. Because when whatever the issue is, has gone on a while you stop talking about it because you dont want to hurt or upset the other person. You both tend to retreat into your own sets of worries and communication about the issue becomes really difficult.

    Try to take the time to reconnect. Comfort each other, it will lead to a place where open communication is easier. You probably already know this. But you have to find a way to reconnect through this period that is obviously so hard on you both.

  4. Hubby and I have a regularly scheduled debate about starting our family with adoption while we try to continue it with fertility treatments. The process scares me, but I completely understand your desire to be a mother NOW. I would like to start the adoption process now because it can take so long, and then continue to try and have more biological children. Hubby is afraid that if we adopt a baby, I won’t care as much about going through fertility treatments and trying for our own. This just demonstrates the idea that the sexes will never fully understand each other. Yes, I want to be a mother. I want him to be a father. I want to hold a child in my arms and love it more than anything. I want to do things together as a family. However, no matter how happy that makes me, it won’t diminish my desire to experience a pregnancy and labor of my own. And it will never diminish my desire to see ourselves in our baby’s face.

    I’m sorry things have been so emotionally strained lately. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make things better, but times like these seem to be helped by time itself. I’m glad that you have such a strong relationship that can see struggles like this through. There will be a less challenging time in the future for you, your man, and your future child – wherever he/she may come from – but I know that the limbo in-between sucks. Thinking of you.

  5. I have no words of wisdom for you, it’s a tough road and it can feel so isolated sometimes. Thinking of you. Hope you both can find some light in the situation soon.

  6. Sorry that you had a rough day.
    The adoption thing is a really sticky issue… I totally get where you are at in terms of “I just want to be a mother.” Jason has never been as enthusiastic about the idea – even as a back-up plan, just in case… He did once say something about preferring a child “of our own,” but typing it takes all the humanity and sensitivity and emotion out of him and makes him sound like a jerk – which he definitely is not.
    Anyway, all that was before we found ourselves suddenly pregnant last fall. And now we are hoping for another miracle.

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