“I know it’s not popular to say…

“…but I hate balloons.”
~Louis C.K.

I love the show Louie.  It’s supposed to be a comedy, but it’s often dark or weird, which is why I like it.  Louie never expects anything good to happen (sound familiar?), and he’s usually right.  And if things do start to go his way, he manages to screw it up by saying or doing something stupid–something very human–the reason for which inevitably becomes incorporated into his stand-up.

*spoiler alert*

In the most recent episode I’ve seen (I’m still a week behind), Louie goes to Miami and is genuinely surprised to have a good time there.  He wants it to continue, but he fumbles. He can’t say what he means or what he feels, and it ruins the experience.  Or tarnishes it, at the very least.

*spoiler over*

I feel like this all the time.

Over the weekend, I felt the very beginnings of a connection with S.  Although he and Hubby’s cousin, I, have a wonderful daughter, they are still struggling to expand their family.  I won’t go into all the details, because it’s not my story to tell, but I felt like the two of us could have continued to talk about our shared experiences for hours.  Beyond baby-making (or the lack thereof), we have maybe a handful of things in common, but I feel totally inept to talk about anything else in a way that’s not completely superficial.

Even at work, I feel like I’m constantly missing opportunities for building deeper relationships, both with coworkers and with the families I visit.  Of course I have to walk the personal/professional tight rope, but my work is based on how much families trust me, and vice versa.  I open up so little of myself that those relationships sometimes become strained.

Or maybe people are just assholes.

That was my feeling earlier today.  I was upset because a family I had driven 16 miles out of my way to see no-showed on me.  And when I called, all I got was excuses, not even an apology.  Obviously, my relationship with this family is not well-established.  Or it is, and it just sucks.

Being shy and introverted, I have a hard enough time interacting with people.  When they refuse to meet me halfway, it’s absolutely exhausting.

To be fair, most people I choose to invest my time and interest in are not assholes.  Most of them are lovely people.

Of course, like Louie, I never quite expect anything to go my way, relationships and friendships included.  I expect a lot of myself, but not from anyone else.  So when someone is kind, or appreciative, or, like Hubby, tells me I’m beautiful and everything he’s ever wanted, I am genuinely surprised.

And, like Louie, I usually find a way to screw it up.

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16 thoughts on ““I know it’s not popular to say…

  1. “Louie never expects anything good to happen…and he’s usually right.”

    That is the perfect summary of the show.

    I have the opposite problem: I expect everything to be perfect! Not a great idea…

  2. In many areas of my life, I feel this way. Many usually don’t get that feeling from me, but the truth is, outside of my circle of friends and husband I feel like an outcast. Always have, really. I still catch myself looking at my husband wondering how I ended up with someone so amazing and wondering what he could possibly see in me. While I try to be positive for everyone else, I always seem to run out of that positive when it comes time to have some for myself.

    • Me, too. I’m so hopeful for all of my fellow bloggers, but I have a hard time believing anything good will happen to us. And at the same time, good is never good enough when it comes to what I expect of myself–it has to be amazing. It all makes me so very tired. But, like you, I’d bet most people don’t know that’s what’s going on in my head.

  3. LOVE LOVE LOVE Louie! I think his show is completely brilliant. I wish he was our real life friend. It kind of feels like he already is.

  4. I feel this way a lot of the time too. Meet people, get excited and want to include them in my life, try to extend myself, fail. What I’ve been learning is to really embrace the, it’s-not-just-me mentality. With S and I, give it time. If the connection is there, it will grow. If not, then don’t beat yourself up.

    With work, consider charging the family for your time. It can be monetary (charge for gas), or it can be as simple as making them travel to you for their next appointment. If they fuss, which they will, explain that you went out of your way for them to be forgotten, so now they have to do the work to move forward.

    Look, you are an awesome individual. People will see that the more time they spend with you. The ones who don’t, you don’t want in you life ( or want to keep at a distance)

    Thanks for the recommendation about the show!

    • Because of the nature of my job, I can’t do either of those things–but I wish I could! Thanks so much for your kind words. I promise I wasn’t fishing for compliments, but it’s nice to get some reassurance that I’m not the only one who feels like this.

  5. Chiming in late… I don’t watch Louie, but I might also have to check it out. Also, you are correct – sometimes people *are* just assholes. Don’t let it get you down…it’s not personal and it’s not your fault that they’re wastes of space.

  6. You know, when I was going through infertility for the better part of two years, I noticed that I was isolating myself more and more. I mean, I generally like to be alone, but it was getting out of hand. I think turning inward during a difficult time is a natural response for a lot of people. I don’t think it means you have an inability to connect or feel close to someone, it’s just… well, this is such a HUGE deal that it kind of eclipses everything else. And if you can’t talk about it and relate to someone else, it just seems pointless to talk at all. Don’t worry too much, though. However long it lasts, it’s only temporary. I promise 🙂

    • Yep. I’ve been telling myself for months that I just need to get out of my own head for a while, but have yet to do this successfully for any significant length of time. And you’re right, it is a huge deal. But I still debate with myself about how much time I’m allowed to obsess vs. interacting with the rest of the world.

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