“…but I hate balloons.”
I love the show Louie. It’s supposed to be a comedy, but it’s often dark or weird, which is why I like it. Louie never expects anything good to happen (sound familiar?), and he’s usually right. And if things do start to go his way, he manages to screw it up by saying or doing something stupid–something very human–the reason for which inevitably becomes incorporated into his stand-up.
In the most recent episode I’ve seen (I’m still a week behind), Louie goes to Miami and is genuinely surprised to have a good time there. He wants it to continue, but he fumbles. He can’t say what he means or what he feels, and it ruins the experience. Or tarnishes it, at the very least.
I feel like this all the time.
Over the weekend, I felt the very beginnings of a connection with S. Although he and Hubby’s cousin, I, have a wonderful daughter, they are still struggling to expand their family. I won’t go into all the details, because it’s not my story to tell, but I felt like the two of us could have continued to talk about our shared experiences for hours. Beyond baby-making (or the lack thereof), we have maybe a handful of things in common, but I feel totally inept to talk about anything else in a way that’s not completely superficial.
Even at work, I feel like I’m constantly missing opportunities for building deeper relationships, both with coworkers and with the families I visit. Of course I have to walk the personal/professional tight rope, but my work is based on how much families trust me, and vice versa. I open up so little of myself that those relationships sometimes become strained.
Or maybe people are just assholes.
That was my feeling earlier today. I was upset because a family I had driven 16 miles out of my way to see no-showed on me. And when I called, all I got was excuses, not even an apology. Obviously, my relationship with this family is not well-established. Or it is, and it just sucks.
Being shy and introverted, I have a hard enough time interacting with people. When they refuse to meet me halfway, it’s absolutely exhausting.
To be fair, most people I choose to invest my time and interest in are not assholes. Most of them are lovely people.
Of course, like Louie, I never quite expect anything to go my way, relationships and friendships included. I expect a lot of myself, but not from anyone else. So when someone is kind, or appreciative, or, like Hubby, tells me I’m beautiful and everything he’s ever wanted, I am genuinely surprised.
And, like Louie, I usually find a way to screw it up.