Inertia

It’s a law of the physical universe.  Newton said so.

The first law says that an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion, with the same direction and speed. Motion (or lack of motion) cannot change without an unbalanced force acting. If nothing is happening to you, and nothing does happen, you will never go anywhere. If you’re going in a specific direction, unless something happens to you, you will always go in that direction. Forever.
(Source)

Lately, I’ve felt taken over by inertia.  Things are moving–but just barely, and they don’t seem to be going exactly the direction I would like.  I can’t do anything about Hubby’s job search but wait along with him for something good to happen.  And until something happens and we know where we’ll be for the next few months, we can’t move on to IVF.  So, as I’ve been complaining about for months, we’re stuck.

I finally bought and used the OPKs this month, thinking that it was something I could have some control over.  I could ensure I was doing everything I could on my end, until we get enough sperm or enough time for IVF.  All it did was give me something else to obsess over.  Turns out, I am ovulating, just as I thought, and I don’t need one more thing to turn me into a crazy infertile.  I’ve got that covered as it is.

But there are things I can do for myself.  Like the writing group I have with Sincerity and another friend, which keeps me motivated to write poetry at least every couple of weeks.  There must be more I can do.  I have to get my ass off the couch and into the kitchen, something I keep swearing I’m going to do but never seem to manage.  I want to do yoga, meditate, something to get my mind off of this stuckness for a while.  But I never do that, either.

Our circumstances may or may not change.  I hope we won’t be stuck here “forever,” but there is so little I have any control over in that regard.  I have to find the force within myself to move forward, to change direction.  I’m not quite sure how to do that.  I haven’t thought it all through yet, but I’m working on it.

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9 thoughts on “Inertia

  1. What a beautiful post expressing an absolutely awful situation. And the whole academic job search thing is just a sh*t sandwich if you ask me. It’s so hard to see a way out when you don’t have control over the process, isn’t it? But there is a way, and I think your last sentence is really hopeful. You are working on it — and you will figure it out. You will. Hugs and virtual cocktails.

    • Thanks. I’m trying to be more optimistic–but I’ll definitely take the cocktail! And send one right back at ‘cha–while you can still have them!

  2. Inertia sucks when you’re looking for some motion. I recommend skipping those OPKs unless you really, really like obsessing about your cervical mucous and peeing on a schedule. Talk about putting pressure on the Hubby to perform… and making sex a chore….

    I’m sorry you’re having a frustrating time of it. Just don’t make a change like Walt from Breaking Bad!

    • Ooh, another Breaking Bad fan! I haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, so no spoilers! Don’t worry, I’m not headed to the dark side like Walt.

      Yeah, I decided one month of OPKs was enough. I have the confirmation I was looking for, now I’m done.

  3. It’s good to have that ovulation confirmation – one less thing to think about. I agree though that it can turn into a bit of an obsession … I hope you make those sticks bring you only comfort!

    I know you feel like you’re stuck, but I can’t help thinking that the kind of change that is coming is not the kind you can predict. You’re in this situation now, and all of a sudden, it will change, and you’ll be in another. You probably won’t even see it coming. Until then … stay strong.

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