Brimming with Life

Hubby and I walk/run (I walk, he runs) at the university near our house.  There’s a recreational field with a dirt track around it right next to the dorms.  The semester is about to start here, and campus is already brimming with life.  Last night, there were people everywhere–kids, really–some moving in, some hanging out, some trying to find their friends in a totally foreign environment.

It made me think, One day, Hubby and I will be dropping our child(ren) off at college, helping them get settled into their dorm room. They’ll be making new friends, coming home for the holidays, venturing into their adult lives.  And it felt so very far away.

But then, so does holding a newborn in my arms.

And that’s how this whole process has felt.  With every small step forward we take, our goal seems to move away from us.  The more time that passes, the harder it is to imagine myself pregnant, giving birth, being a mother.  It feels like we’ll be in this awful limbo forever.  That we’ve been lulled into a numb waiting that will never change.

Hubby has been applying for jobs like crazy.  I’m so proud of him.  He’s already gotten some rejection letters, which isn’t great, but it tells me the process may be a lot quicker than what we’ve experienced so far.  At least we’ll have our answers soon.

With everything winding up at the university, Hubby feels left out.  For the first time in 12 years, he’s not a part of it.  He turned in his keys last week; he won’t be needing them this semester.

It’s so scary to be on the brink of what would normally be a new year for him, a new beginning.  But he has to remain flexible, just in case.  Because that new job could be just around the corner.  And with it, a whole new start for us.

I’m trying to be hopeful, but I’m increasingly impatient, too.  I’m tempted to ask him at what point we go ahead with IVF where we are.  But I won’t.  Because that means giving up–at least, temporarily–on him getting a job.  I don’t want to do that, but I would like to feel like we’re finally getting closer to the dream we’re both ready for.  Becoming parents.

And the morning light was breaking
Slowly moving across the bed
He gets up without her waking
To the voices in his head

Through the shadows in the hallway
To the room they painted blue
And on the inside he is frightened
At a loss for what to do

Until he opens up his eyes
And the angels all look down

Even closer than this life
Closer than your faith
Closer than the things that you hold dearly
And in vain
Closer than this life
Falling through again
Giving more than anything
That you could hope to win

And he knows his life is changing
It’s never easy letting go
For the first time you are mortal
As the child before you grows
And he wonders at the sight
Of the joy that they have found

Even closer than this life
Closer than your faith
Closer than the things that you hold dearly
And in vain
Closer than this life
Falling through again
Giving more than anything
That you could hope to win

And what would you intend to find?
Solitude? Your peace of mind?
Holding out for something less
Than touching the hand of God?

Even closer than this life
Closer than this faith
Closer than the things that you hold dearly
And in vain
Closer than this life
Falling through again
Giving more than anything
That you could hope to win

Closer than this life
Closer finally
Living for the only thing
You ever made complete
Oh, for the one thing
That you both did perfectly

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8 thoughts on “Brimming with Life

  1. This limbo period must be so hard, especially when you don’t know when the end of it will come. I’m getting impatient for you! But I also have hope — great hope — that you can and will still get your miracle. I SO hope it’s right around the corner for you guys!

  2. I know it *feels* like forever, but in reality, the possibility of the two of you becoming parents is actually so new! He just got his swimmers back and they seem to be multiplying.The job thing definitely sucks… but you two WILL get there!

  3. Good for your husband for getting those applications out there. It’s not an easy process and it’s made worse by all the waiting. I’m glad to hear that he is experiencing a fast turnaround — it’s waiting that’s always the worst. I hope you’re hanging in there.

  4. I literally was having the same thought when driving by a college campus on move in day. I looked all the parents hugging their children goodbye and all the mothers and I thought at the very soonest, I will be 52 when I’m dropping my child off at college. That seems so far away. But even the thought of having a baby in my arms seems like it might be 18 years away.

  5. I used to work on a college campus, too. And am feeling strangely left out of it this year … all of the newness starting without me. But here’s hoping that your new beginning is closer than you think.

    • Thanks, Justine. I keep hoping one good thing will happen soon and then everything else will just fall into place. But it rarely works that way.

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