Looking for the Upside

My husband, eternal optimist that he is, tends to use phrases like, “Look on the bright side,” or “but the good thing is….”  I usually roll my eyes at these sentiments and find them, at the very least, annoying, and at the worst, completely invalidating of my fears.  But I’m trying to do better.  Trying.

Here are my positive thoughts for the day:

I can’t deny we’re making progress.  At least we’re not going backward.  We’re not losing ground, even if the progress is slower than I’d like.  Progress is progress.

We’ve already surpassed the best results Hubby was able to achieve with the treatments he got in his early 20s.  Back then, the highest his count ever got was 500,000/ml.  Not only have we passed that mark, but we’ve done it in record time.  All those years ago, it took Hubby two years of almost daily injections to reach half a million.

We didn’t have to wait until next week to get the results.  I thought we would, given how this has worked out in the past.  The procedure for every SA so far has been that Hubby drops off his swimmers and the lab passes the results onto Dr. K’s office.  But Dr. K is only in the office two days a week, and we have to schedule a phone consult with him on one of those two days.  This time, because Dr. K has been so busy, we were able to get the results by email.  There’s enough waiting in this fucked-up game.  Shortening it by even a few days feels like a victory.

Hubby and I have discussed going ahead and scheduling an appointment with Dr. C.  We might as well see if we have any options, other than the ones we’ve previously been told about–namely, IVF with ICSI.  I don’t know if we’ll ever have enough sperm for IUI, but if there’s even a slight chance, I’d like to get some more information.

And, what I tell myself every time I start a new cycle:  I still have time to get in shape before I get pregnant.  One of these days, I might actually take myself seriously.

But the waiting is still hard.  The yearning still hurts.

Hubby and I watch the series, Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman.  There was an episode about the soul, whether or not it exists, whether science can prove it, and what form it might take.  One of my favorite stories in that episode was about a man whose wife had died.  The idea was that, while she was gone, her soul, her essence, lived on in the memories of her husband.  Literally, in his brain.  And in their son’s brain.  The analogy used in the episode was of the experiences/memories of her life being like pixels in a photograph.  The picture becomes less sharp the further removed it is from her living body, but the image, however blurry, remains.

Hubby and I discussed this idea.  How long could a memory live on in the mind of another?  One generation?  Two?  I will tell my children stories of my grandmother, who died years before I ever met Hubby.  So she will continue to live in them, even though they never met her.  So will my mother, who, by the time my children are born, will have been gone at least three years.  How many generations would my memory survive?

Achieving immortality is not the point of having children.  At least, not the whole point.  But having someone–a child–in whom the memories of my mother, grandmother, and me will live on, a child who will carry on Hubby’s and my values, mannerisms, traditions, who will pass them on to their children…there’s something appealing about the idea.

And if that child’s soul already exists somewhere, floating in the ether, my wish is that it would hurry up and come home.


16 thoughts on “Looking for the Upside

  1. I’m so sorry I haven’t commented sooner. I saw the results and did a “yay” and an “oh” for you. Plan B was obviously not what you were hoping for. But, the numbers are going up!! That’s fantastic! And they are getting back to you sooner too (also very good). Still, I know how much you wanted to be able to move forward sooner. To now longer feel like you’re waiting. So I think the appointment with Dr. C is a great idea. It will allow you to at least weigh the options.

    Thinking of you and encouraging you to continue thinking about the positive. As hard as it is, I know your child will find you one day very soon.

  2. I totally know what you mean about how getting results, etc even a few days ahead can make a difference. Most fertiles would think “what’s the big deal”. Glad you are making progress!

    • Thanks, Katie! Yeah, the earliest we could have gotten even a phone consult was Oct. 2! Unbelievable. So I’m glad Dr. K has finally figured out that we’ve been doing this long enough to be able to interpret our own results without him having to hold our hands!

  3. Mmm hurry up and come home already. Glad to read that you will ask for other options at this point. Either way, you will get more information and knowledge.

    • I hope so. It’s possible that our only real option at this point is to wait it out, but maybe there’s something we’re missing. Some technology we don’t know about yet. Maybe.

  4. Progress, even slow progress is better than a single step back. I am sorry Ive not been posting. Ive been struggling on my own, and have mostly felt empty and wondering if there is even hope for me.

    That being said, I believe there is hope for you, you are often in my thoughts and prayers and I am willing you good ball responses. 🙂

    Forgive me please for my last few weeks of selfishness.

    • Thanks, Jeanette. I completely understand your need to step away for a bit. It’s not selfish, it’s self preservation. I’ve been thinking of you, too, and hoping for you. Sending you lots of love and hugs!

  5. I hope meeting with Dr. C gives you some other options and helps you on your way. Either way, at least you know you are exploring as much information and options as possible.

  6. Haha, I’m usually the one saying “At the very least…” or “The silver lining is…”, all the poor folks around me who want to smack me upside the head. But for me, it’s the only way to get through some days.

    I’ve never heard of the show, interesting concept. I just wish I could give you a big ol’ hug, it makes my heart ache that there’s somebody so wonderful and sincere in their desires for a child.

    It sounds like meeting with Dr.C could be really helpful, at the very least it can’t hurt… oh crap, there I go saying “At the very least…” but I don’t know how else to word that! Dammit. :/

    • Aw, thank you, dear. I’m now even more excited to meet with Dr. C. Things could be happening more quickly than I thought. Maybe all you optimists were right!

  7. Loved the last part of your post especially…. When I was waiting to see if we had any viable embryos, I was talking to the (imaginary?) soul(s) of my future child(ren). I believe the soul exists and that – on some level – you’re already familiar with him or her. Still… it can’t hurt to have a conversation!

    • Thanks. I definitely have a vision of our children already. It’s like, in a way, they already exist in my mind. Just can’t wait to hold them in my arms!

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