CD Whateverteen: Two-Week What?

Okay, if I really wanted to, I could probably figure out exactly where I am in my cycle by doing a little math and maybe counting on my fingers.  But what’s the point?  I’m going to start my period early next week, call the clinic, and get started with our one and only IUI, which will probably fail.  And then we’ll move on to IVF.

Do I wish for a miracle?  Absolutely.  Do I think it will actually happen?  Uh, no.

And yet.

I still feel every little twitch and tingle, every gas bubble, and probably invent some mild cramping that doesn’t exist.  I still monitor the soreness and size of my boobs, the urgency with with I have to pee and how often, every gurgle of my digestion.

I continue to talk myself out of peeing on things.

I’ve been eating like shit, including a giant Dr. Pepper today, as if to prove to myself that since I am, in fact, not pregnant, it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what I put in my body.

So there’s that.

And on top of it, the last two days at work–two kids in particular–have been tough.

One of them has some kind of mystery syndrome, which hasn’t been diagnosed or possibly even invented yet.  Or cerebral palsy.  Or both.

The other likely has autism.  Also undiagnosed.  Because how do you have that conversation with a family you just met?

These two darling boys have me thinking about all the things that could go wrong.  Forget for the moment that if I do manage to get pregnant someday, I will probably be an anxious ball of worry.  Even if I do manage to have a healthy, uneventful pregnancy (anyone have some wood I can knock on?), that is not the end of Things That Could Go Wrong.

Sincerity and I often “joke” (okay, only one of us is joking, since she doesn’t plan on having children) that we know too much, and if/when we ever get pregnant/give birth/hold our newborn/raise our kids, we’ll be so anxious about the whole thing that we will inevitably create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And something bad will happen.

This is perhaps my greatest fear.  Not that I will be a bad parent or that the act of taking responsibility for another human being will take such of a toll on our marriage that Hubby and I will be doomed to divorce or that my teenage daughter will hate me.  No, my biggest fear is something completely outside the realm of my control.  Of course.

Mo and Jeanette both had pretty awesome posts about letting go of control, and I aspire to be like each of them in that regard.  To be trying, anyway.  It’s so, so difficult.  And I know you all know this.

So what am I hoping to accomplish with this neurotic, rambly post?  What I have come to expect on my darkest days since last December when I first hit the publish button.  A little support.  Acknowledgement that I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Virtual hugs.  Whatever you can spare, I’ll gladly accept.


20 thoughts on “CD Whateverteen: Two-Week What?

  1. I am completely willing and able to send you as many virtual hugs as you need, as often as you need them. You’re not the only person that feels this way, not even close. **hugs**

  2. A virtual hug that is so big is being sent to you now. Working with kids with disabilities has led me to be ridiculously nervous about everything. As a friend told me, once you start the process, and once you get pregnant as well, the worry never stops. I think when wanting something so much it also creates that much extra fear. It just makes us better, neurotic people. lol
    wishing you a calm mind tomorrow. hugs

    • Thank you so much, Deborah. I really appreciate the hugs! And it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has worked with this population and is absolutely freaked out at even the possibility something could go wrong.

  3. Oh I so hear you… and am thinking of you – I know that ‘spiral’ and it sucks and feels really powerless when there’s already so much we can’t control. I was a somewhat anxious person to begin with and this process, with learning so many things about the many things that can go wrong, has hugely brought that out.

    All I can do in those moments is just concentrate on the *next* thing, and then the thing after that – it’s impossible to think about everything at once though we may try! Huge good luck to you this cycle, and through the IUI and IVF if it comes to that (which fingers crossed it won’t! but even if it does you guys WILL be okay).

    • “Somewhat anxious person” barely scratches the surface of what I was before this all began! I have feeling this cycle is going to end with blood, but I almost wish it would just hurry up and get here so we can move on to the next thing. Thanks so much for understanding!

  4. Oh yeah, I’m right there with you, waiting for the doom or not… with a teeny tiny thought saying maybe you will have a miracle surprise despite those period cramps known too well. Ugh. But with the doom the next step also arrives. You are doing an IUI!! Hoping it will do the trick for you!

    • Thank you! I don’t have very high hopes for the IUI, either, but even that gets us to the next step. And seems a little less scary than jumping straight into IVF. I hope we both get our miracles (medical or otherwise) soon!

  5. I’ve been way too nervous about raising a child and I constantly worry about all the things that I can’t control that can mess up her life. You are not alone. I thought pregnancy was going to be more worrisome than it has been so far, I’m just transferring that excess worry to what will happen when my kid is a teenager. How did I miss the fact that you are doing an IUI and soon?! That’s awesome.

    • Thanks, Audrey. Have I mentioned that I have imaginary conversations with my teenage daughters all the time? And I’m not even pregnant yet! Totally get that worry, but I know you’re going to be a great mom!

  6. I completely understand the control thing. Yesterday, while waiting for my IUI, I started obsessing about the sperm and about getting inseminated with the wrong sperm. Because, at that point, that was the only thing left to control and I wanted to control it. Badly. I was ridiculous. I’m glad you have some forward momentum and hope that IUI is the only one you will need!

    • I’m kind of nervous to finally be starting all of this, but somehow doing IUI first is like easing into what will eventually happen, which is most likely IVF. Best of luck to you, and fingers crossed your husband’s super sperm did the trick!

  7. You are most definitely not the only one who feels that way. And here’s some hugs. I’m also having the POAS stick urges and delusional thoughts of some miracle pregnancy keep invading my brain. This is despite the fact that my estrogen was so low on CD14 that I could possibly be mistaken for a man and the fact that Dr. C. told me there was he was almost certain I wouldn’t ovulate this cycle. I’m right here with you, feeling every twinge and poking my boobs to see if it hurts! 😛 I hope you get a miracle you’re not expecting this cycle, or at the very least the best of luck with your IUI!

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