CD10, IUI#1: (Not) The End of the World

I started to write a post this morning that went a little something like this:

So…remember that happy girl from yesterday?  The one who was communing with the universe, huffing unicorn farts, and making the real me sick to my stomach with her candy-coated positivity?

She’s gone.

Yeah.  I killed her.

Melodramatic?  Perhaps.  An accurate description of my near-meltdown this morning?  Absolutely.

Something threw a kink into all my nicely-laid-out plans this morning.  That something was another faaaaaiiiint second line on my OPK.  Not the dark line I was expecting.  Cue complete panic.

I was thrown into a tailspin through that familiar downward spiral, where my thought process goes from dark to darker at about the same rate as my racing heart.

Oh my god, this isn’t going to work.  We missed it.  I already ovulated, earlier than I ever have, and we missed it.  This cycle is down the drain.  Failure.  Or worse.  That stupid cyst gobbled up all the meds, and I’m not going to ovulate at all.  This cycle and all future cycles are going to be fucked because of it.  No wonder I wasn’t feeling any side effects.  It’s not doing anything but feeding that cyst, which I’ll have to have surgically removed, which will set us back I don’t know how many cycles before we can move on to IVF.  Can we please just move on to IVF?  I want to be monitored, I want to make sure shit’s going down the way it’s supposed to.  What if I don’t respond to the injections, either?  What if my body fails me again, just like this stupid cycle?  We’ll blow all our savings on an endeavor that will yield  no children.  Stupid, stupid Clomid.

Maybe this is the crazy I was waiting for.

I woke Hubby up early to inform him he should just go ahead and masturbate while I’m at work today because we’re now looking at Saturday at the earliest for the first IUI.  And then another one on Sunday.  I’m glad my clinic will be open those two mornings, but it limits us to using one sperm sample per IUI, which totally defeats what we were trying to do with this attempt in the first place.

I tried to focus at work.  Thank goodness for people with problems bigger than mine to distract me and/or put things in perspective.  When I did get a break, I googled the shit out of ovulation and Clomid, reading that it can both hurry and delay ovulation.  I’m hoping for the latter.

And that’s all I can do.  Keep monitoring this cycle, waiting for that tell-tale second line, call the clinic, and go from there. One day at a time.

I tried to predict the future.  Look where that got me.

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13 thoughts on “CD10, IUI#1: (Not) The End of the World

  1. I think it is common for medicines like Clomid and Femara to delay ovulation a little bit. And that train of thoughts wasn’t crazy – sounds like your average not-so-fertile brain to me! Deep breaths and keep hoping. You haven’t lost this cycle yet.

  2. Oh, don’t we all know that chain of negative thoughts. One thing leads to the next and then it all.is.over. It’s hard to keep our heads above water. I have hope for this cycle and for a timely appearance of that second line. I hope today ends your experience of the crazy.

  3. Oh, god. Sorry for the meltdown. What cycle day are you on? The research I’ve read has said that ovulation normally occurs 5-10 days after you take the last Clomid pill. Mine tends to be more like 10-15 days. And if it helps any, I will have a faint OPK line for several (sometimes many) days before it turns positive. But all of this to say that I think you’ve still got a good chance of hitting the right time. Deep breath, friend. I hope you’ll soon find out that everything will be okay.

  4. sending you a hug and hoping the stress lessens…

    But before that –
    ZOMG are yo u only testing in the mornings? LH metabolizes differently – you should be testing in the afternoon/evening to get more accurate results…
    But you probably didn’t miss the surge.
    So – don’t panic, and pee in the evenings, and you should be fine!
    xxoo

    • I was told I need to see a line at least half as dark in the morning so I can call to schedule the IUI for the following afternoon. Which is what I got the one time I tested in the morning of cd 10 the only other time I’ve used OPKs. And then stopped because I was becoming obsessive. I did test yesterday afternoon, though. Still very faint. I want to trust that my clinic knows what the hell they’re talking about, and I don’t want to obsess (okay, clearly that’s not working).

    • I agree with Mo–I don’t think you missed the surge, and I had never known about the “test in the afternoon” thing until Mo let me know! I think you may still have a couple of days left to go before you surge. You’re in the clear, sister. But the whole stress of peeing on shit SUCKS. And by the way–I have had nearly that exact convo with Hubs about the masturbation. Too funny!!

  5. I second what Mo says. In fact, I bought cheapie OPKs and tested twice in the afternoon one month just to see when was the best time for me — it was closer to evening for my surge, not early afternoon.

    Also, I don’t think it was meant to be a funny, but I laughed at this: “I woke Hubby up early to inform him he should just go ahead and masturbate while I’m at work today.” That sounds like a joke about what women DON’T actually say, doesn’t it? This infertility stuff can be accidentally hilarious.

  6. Deep breaths! Clomid is a bitch and I hate her. She’s really fucked with me this cycle but now I’m treating her with cool indifference until the next one. Just don’t panic. I know that’s easier said than done. I’ve spent a lot of time panicking in the last few weeks, but it’ll be okay. Promise promise. Also, OPK’s make me want to die.

  7. This post brings back such wonderful memories of my own flipping out because I thought I missed the positive opk on an iui cycle. Ahhh, good times. Hopefully, you get the second line soon. Surely, you didn’t miss it.

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