CD23, IUI#1: Ramblin’ On

If a two-week wait can be broken down into anything other than halves or sevenths, I am roughly 2/3 of the way through mine.

I’m not feeling very optimistic at this point.

No, wait.  That’s sort of a lie.  I swing wildly between hopefulness and certain doom.  If I feel vague cramping somewhere in my lower abdomen, I’m pregnant.  If I have to pee, I’m pregnant.  If I have gas?  You guessed it.  Sore boobs?  Pregnant.  Headache?  Definitely pregnant.

And yet, there’s a 98-99% chance I’m not pregnant.  The occasional pain in my abdomen is more likely poop than baby.  My boobs were just as sore last cycle, and we all know how that turned out.  It’s entirely too early for me to be experiencing symptoms of any kind.  I’m delusional.

But if I think about it too long, think about what that stark white space next to the pink line on Monday morning would mean, I have no choice but to admit to myself how badly I want this to work.  Even though I’ve been saying, “We were given a 1-2% chance.  Come on.  Let’s be real,” out loud, in my head….

Yesterday morning I woke up from dreams about pregnancy, breastfeeding, and twins.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was pregnant through most of the dreams, I do remember a moment when I put my hand on my huge, pregnant belly and distinctly feeling a little head.  When I told Hubby about this, I asked if he thought my dream-mind somehow knew something the rest of me didn’t.  His answer was a pat “no.”

Leave it to Hubby not to sugar-coat things.

I do have a headache tonight.  Maybe that’s why my thoughts are meandering in so many directions.  Or it could have something to do with the fact that today would have been my mom’s 72nd birthday.  And I still haven’t given her a grandchild.  (Not that she was lacking in grandchildren.  She was a great-grandmother many times over before she died.) And when it finally happens, she won’t get to spoil my baby.

Or maybe I just need to go to bed early tonight and hope tomorrow is better.


17 thoughts on “CD23, IUI#1: Ramblin’ On

  1. It’s a hard road we are on Daryl. Full of disappointments, setbacks, difficulties and unexpected happenings. Perseverance is what gets you through. Support and strength. I hope it works the first time but if it doesn’t you can’t be discouraged, you have to see that you are on your way. You are finally unstuck.

    All the same I wish you a perfect miracle. Keep thinking positive. The ending hast been decided yet!

    • I think I’m just having a bad day. I was sick all weekend and today was the first day I really had a full day at work. Which is maybe why I have a headache tonight. I know if this doesn’t work, we’ll be moving on to IVF, and I’m okay with that.

  2. this stuff is so ridiculously horribly hard. The fact that it *can* work can drive you crazy, but I think its so great that you guys have a plan to move forward, and if this doesn’t work out you know exactly what the next steps are. Doesn’t mean it won’t be disappointing (obvioiusly I’m super hoping for some kind of miracle for you guys! but also realistic) but you’ll get through this phase and on to the next.

    • Yep. It’s the best chance we’ve had so far, but I’m already feeling like it’s over. But I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the next step.

  3. *sigh* All of this can make one feel totally crazy – I felt like that every natural cycle we did, and there were a lot of them. Sometimes it seemed like the roller coaster was never going to end. Like Jeanette says though, at least you have a plan from here, a next step. But I’m still hoping for miracle baby!

  4. I’m right there with you analysing every little thing I feel. It’s exhausting and gives me headache too! So freaking hard this last bit of the wait. Hope today is better and you had a good night sleep.

    • My brain is going to make me crazy! It keeps changing its mind about our chances and what every little ache might mean. I’m feeling much more optimistic about your chances, though!

  5. Oh darling. The tww is so brutal. In if land it is ten thousand times worse. Hopefully the 1-2% is the chance you need. I am so so pulling for you and maybe those delusions aren’t just the infertility crazy this time.

  6. Adding my voice to the others… It’s okay to be hopeful. In fact, let yourself dream – there’s nothing wrong with that! You can know that the chances are small, but also recognize that the chance is still there. Plus, like you say, you’ve got the IVF plan after this if necessary, so if it doesn’t work, this isn’t the end of the road. (And, personally I think your dreams can sometimes identify things that your waking mind can’t….) Fingers crossed for you!

    • Yeah, well I started spotting ever-so-lightly yesterday and dreamed last night about IVF. So there’s that. But I’m glad we have a plan in place. I think it’s actually helping.

  7. Ahhh, the two week wait and how it messes with your brain. We’re dealing with severe MFI (and some fun FFI: low AMH, elevated FSH)–low to no sperm with dismal motility for the few sperm we’ve found. And yet, even with no treatment (we’re waiting to see another RE after we were told donor sperm was our only option from our first RE), every month my heart screams this will be the month of our miracle, even as my head is saying no, no, no don’t hope, you need to protect yourself. My heart wins every time. My fingers are crossed that this month it works. Thanks for blogging. It helps.

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