My sister, Zappa, called last night. I had sent her a text earlier this week letting her know the IUI failed, but I didn’t feel like talking about it. She texted me back that she’d been thinking about me and that she was sorry. That was all I needed at the time.
The conversation last night was a bit all over the place (as it usually is with her), but I came away from it in kind of a funk. My sister does not have the perfect life, by any means, but I am often struck by what can only be called “jealousy” over several aspects of it.
#1: Spending time with dad. He lives a little less than a 3-hour drive from my sister. Mostly, he comes to her, but they’ve been known to spend many-a-weekend together–my dad, my sister, and my niece. I’m lucky if I get to see him once a year. Since my mom died, he’s taken over a bit of her role with my sister, including on-call babysitter. She also used to talk to my sister on the phone every day. My dad doesn’t call her that often, but he rarely calls me. If I talk to him, I’m the one doing the calling. It usually turns into a 45-minute conversation, and I could probably make more of an effort to call him more often. But it’s different with my sister. They have their own little jokes that come from spending time together, and yeah, I’m jealous of that time.
#2: Her daughter is a lot like me. My mother used to joke that Zappa had somehow managed to give birth to my child. Not only is she my physical twin, but she loves to write and is crazy about animals–just like her Aunt Daryl. Part of the reason for my sister’s call yesterday was to tell me that A. got the equivalent of straight A’s on her report card and that her teacher gushed about her writing. Zappa actually said, “I know it’s not the same, but I thought you’d like to know you do have a child who’s just like you.” She’s right about one thing: it’s not the same.
#3: Talking about what she wants to do with the rest of her life. You know, like, for a job. When I may not get to do the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my life.
So. Funk. Not any worse than the rest of the week, though. Next week is my hysteroscopy. I hope that starts to feel like progress after this past failure of a cycle.