My sister, Zappa, called last night.  I had sent her a text earlier this week letting her know the IUI failed, but I didn’t feel like talking about it.  She texted me back that she’d been thinking about me and that she was sorry.  That was all I needed at the time.

The conversation last night was a bit all over the place (as it usually is with her), but I came away from it in kind of a funk.  My sister does not have the perfect life, by any means, but I am often struck by what can only be called “jealousy” over several aspects of it.

#1: Spending time with dad.  He lives a little less than a 3-hour drive from my sister.  Mostly, he comes to her, but they’ve been known to spend many-a-weekend together–my dad, my sister, and my niece.  I’m lucky if I get to see him once a year.  Since my mom died, he’s taken over a bit of her role with my sister, including on-call babysitter.  She also used to talk to my sister on the phone every day.  My dad doesn’t call her that often, but he rarely calls me.  If I talk to him, I’m the one doing the calling.  It usually turns into a 45-minute conversation, and I could probably make more of an effort to call him more often.  But it’s different with my sister.  They have their own little jokes that come from spending time together, and yeah, I’m jealous of that time.

#2:  Her daughter is a lot like me.  My mother used to joke that Zappa had somehow managed to give birth to my child.  Not only is she my physical twin, but she loves to write and is crazy about animals–just like her Aunt Daryl.  Part of the reason for my sister’s call yesterday was to tell me that A. got the equivalent of straight A’s on her report card and that her teacher gushed about her writing.  Zappa actually said, “I know it’s not the same, but I thought you’d like to know you do have a child who’s just like you.”  She’s right about one thing: it’s not the same.

#3: Talking about what she wants to do with the rest of her life.  You know, like, for a job.  When I may not get to do the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my life.

So.  Funk.  Not any worse than the rest of the week, though.  Next week is my hysteroscopy.  I hope that starts to feel like progress after this past failure of a cycle.


27 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. My sister doesn’t have a kid – though keeps threatening to start trying which literally completely freaks me out (she’s 4 years younger) but I still recognize a lot of these feelings… I love my sister dearly but she can bring out all kinds of feelings of jealousy or left-outness for me too. Thinking of you and hoping the next round of tests gets some good info for moving forward.

    • My sister is two years younger than me, but her daughter is almost 10. I wish I lived closer to them, and my dad, too. Maybe that would help with some of what I’ve been feeling.

  2. I’m sorry you’re having a funky time. Family can be a mixed blessing at times, that is certain. I hope that tomorrow is a better day. Take care.

  3. Family is important but can also make you feel like an outsider. I know the mixed feelings. Hope the hysteroscopy goes well and that you get the green light to move forward with IVF.

    • Thanks, marwil. I wish I lived closer to them. Like, somehow, proximity would make it easier for them to understand. Even though I know it doesn’t work that way.

  4. I don’t have anything to add except…. I think one day you are going to get to call your sister and tell her all about how YOUR awesome kid got straight A’s. And it’s going to be extra special because you’ll remember having this conversation with her. I know that probably doesn’t help a lot now, but when that day comes, it will be fantastic.

  5. *hugs*

    I get the jealousy thing. My brother is going down the same path as my father career wise, makes big money, and likes to spoil us when hes home. They both work out west and spend a lot of time together. When him and dad are talking while all of us are together, I get that twinge. I feel like a failure in front of the two of them because I’m not making that money, I don’t talk with dad like he does, they have a different relationship than I have with him. It’s like I don’t have the same level connection and I’m simply not doing enough, even though I’m happy with my life when I back myself away from the situation. Yet when I talk to my brother, he tells me how jealous he is of me and my relationship with dad, because when I’m not around, dad apparently doesn’t stop talking about how proud he is of me. (which I still don’t believe btw). I just…get it. Things beyond our control, some of it built up, some of it blown up, some of it truth, and that leaves a funk and a bad after taste.

    I know this post is a few days old, but I hope you’ve moved out of the funk. love and hugs! ❤

    • Thanks, Kim.

      I’m sure proximity doesn’t have anything to do with what or how much my father thinks of me (and ditto for yours!), but I do miss spending that time with him. In all honesty, I could do better about calling him, and I probably should. I guess I also think about when we do have kids and how much time they’ll get to spend with him. But Hubby’s family lives halfway around the world, so it’s an issue with them, too. Our family will always have to divide its time between the two, and we’re not guaranteed to live near either of them. If I think about it too much, it bums me out.

      But I am doing better today.

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