Decisions, decisions

It’s starting to sink in that I might actually be pregnant by the end of this year.  Crazy.

And also tremendously anxiety-inducing.

Hubby is no closer to having a job today than he was four years ago.  Even though he’s been applying like crazy, he’s only had one interview and no offers.  Not even outside his beloved academia.  If I do get pregnant, he has to get a job.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.

I still haven’t made up my mind about whether or not to do PGD.  Hubby now says he’s all for it, despite the extra expense.  I want to have confidence that the two of us could produce a whole bunch of healthy embryos, but I’ve seen too many stories that didn’t go that way.

I talked to my sister, and she forgave me in advance for not traveling for Christmas.  Or Thanksgiving.  But I still haven’t talked to my dad about it.  There’s no way either of them can come to us for the holidays because of work.  I’m glad I got to see both of them and my niece this summer, but who knows when the next time will be?

And all of this must be getting to me because I hardly slept last night.  I kept waking up, partly because I was too hot, but I couldn’t immediately get back to sleep, like I normally do.  And I was having strange dreams.  One, right before I woke up in the morning, that I was getting mugged.  Not sure where that came from.  (Maybe all the money we’ll be forking over in just a few weeks?)

I’ve had a long day at work, and I hope I can sleep well tonight and make it through tomorrow without crashing.  I’ll worry about the rest of it later.

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10 thoughts on “Decisions, decisions

  1. I can so very much relate to this post! It took years for BG to graduate and find a job, and during that time we were far from family. Adding IF to an already stressful life is a lot to handle. I hope that you have a good day tomorrow, a relaxing weekend, and a stress-free holiday season.

    • Thanks so much, sass. It just seems like it’s taking for-ev-er for him to find a job, and if I do manage to get pregnant, he’s going to have a relatively short window (compared to the four years he’s already been looking) to find something–anything. He’s been trying so hard, and it just seems so unfair that he hasn’t been rewarded for that hard work yet.

  2. I can’t relate to you husband as another unemployed PhD. No one wants us! I think my next step is removing the PhD from my resume, which kinda breaks my heart.

    • I’ve thought of that for Hubby, too, but it seems like such a shame–plus, how do you then explain the years of unemployment when he was pursuing that degree? I hope you both have a change of luck really soon!

  3. Sounds like anxiety dreams :/ That’s tough about your husband. Jobs in academia are far and few between, my brother told me (he’s looking in that field). I hope he finds something soon!

    • Thanks! It’s funny, usually I’m the one telling Hubby he’s having anxiety dreams. I’ve definitely had my fair share, though, and it looks like they’ll just keep coming for a while.

  4. My husband’s funding got cut so as of Jan 2013 we go down to a single income. And for all the applications he’s put in, we haven’t heard a peep. It’s terrifying as we are staring down the IVF barrel soon. I wish this wasn’t so hard on us all. I really wish.

    • We’ve been relying on just my income since July, and even though Hubby was only working part-time before that, it’s made a huge difference. Now, instead of feeding our savings account every month, we’re having to slowly bleed it, a little at a time. Once we pay for IVF, there won’t be much left! I hope things turn around and get easier for both of us.

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