None of this has gone according to plan.  Why should I have expected our first IVF cycle to be any different?

Except I did.  Because we were finally getting somewhere.  And now we’re stalled.  Again.

It’s been a not-so-great couple of days.  After the disappointment of Thursday, I read this post.  Tami’s been through some shit, and if anyone deserves to be comforted by her mother, it’s her.  But reading it was just another reminder that my mom is gone, a wound that is re-opened on those occasions when I need her the most.

This is the time of year I think about my mom a lot.  About the time I don’t get to spend with her.  About how she would cook a turkey.  About whether or not she would have pulled down all 16 boxes of Christmas decorations from the attic yet.  About the Christmas I skipped to go home with Hubby.  Her last Christmas.

I bawled myself to sleep that night.

Yesterday, I still felt like shit from this cold, but I went to work anyway because I had meetings/visits scheduled with other people that I just wanted to get over with.  My first visit of the day was with a mom I’ve been working with over the span of two kids, so we’ve known each other a while.  Apparently long enough that she had no problem telling me I looked tired.  Really tired.  She also confirmed again, “You don’t have kids, right?”  Followed by the inevitable, “Do you want them?”  It’s a good thing I was already writing by this point because there’s no way I could have looked her in the eye at that moment.  I just gave her the standard one-word answers and moved on.

I also bought myself a crap-ton of junk food that day, at the pharmacy where I was picking up a new pack of BCPs.  Because I just feel like wallowing this weekend.  I know I have to get over the disappointment and start looking ahead at some point, but for now, I want to be sad for a minute.  And then it’s back to more waiting.


27 thoughts on “Wallowing

  1. Sometimes to just take a crapy day as it is without trying to change it is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I think it is great that you allow yourself to do just that. Hang in there!

  2. I’m sorry you’re not feeling good. It must be hard to not have your Mom. I’m sure she is watching over you. I hope you find something to lift your spirits and get through this difficult time.

  3. I can only imagine how much more difficult everything must be without having your mom here with you anymore. I’m so sorry. Christmas especially is a very hard time for anyone who has lost someone loved and dear.

    And you’re allowed to be sad for a while. Isn’t that part of the grieving process? And you are grieving for a cycle and a chance at a baby that won’t be happening quite yet. But eventually you will come to the stage of acceptance and then probably you will be able to look forward with renewed hope.

  4. *big hugs* I miss my mom too and know how hard that makes thigns at times.
    Our first and second IVF didn’t work, it doesn’t get easier, but you learn to still carry on and don’t give up hope.

  5. Sometimes you just gotta wallow. As long as you can manage to pull yourself out of it, some hard core wallowing and self-indulgence and hibernation is exactly what you need sometimes – is certainly what kept me remotely sane. This shit is hard, plain and simple. Be kind to yourself, whatever it takes to get through these setbacks and onto the next day.

  6. Big hug, m’dear. Going through this during the holiday season makes this an extra dose of shitty. I hope this weekend has been full of junk food and bad TV.

  7. Oh Daryl. My tears weren’t even dry yet from reading your last post. I’m so sorry that my post stung to read. I didn’t mean to…

    I can’t claim to know the pain of not having your mom here. However I do know that your mom gave you the gift of teaching you everything she could to make *you* a great mom. Which, is only a matter of time now.

    I have a few candy bars that I splurged on the other day too. Care to split them with me?

    • Don’t worry one bit about your post. It has much more to do with where I was in my own head space. I’m glad your mom is there to comfort you when you need it!

      And I’ll definitely split those candy bars with you–although, after this weekend, I’m sure that’s the last thing I need.

  8. It’s hard and sometimes you just need to wallow for a bit to get through. I hope you are feeling a bit better by now. But to be reminded of the loved ones who are not here to comfort you, it sucks. I miss my mom every holiday as well, especially during Christmas. Big hugs.

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