None of this has gone according to plan. Why should I have expected our first IVF cycle to be any different?
Except I did. Because we were finally getting somewhere. And now we’re stalled. Again.
It’s been a not-so-great couple of days. After the disappointment of Thursday, I read this post. Tami’s been through some shit, and if anyone deserves to be comforted by her mother, it’s her. But reading it was just another reminder that my mom is gone, a wound that is re-opened on those occasions when I need her the most.
This is the time of year I think about my mom a lot. About the time I don’t get to spend with her. About how she would cook a turkey. About whether or not she would have pulled down all 16 boxes of Christmas decorations from the attic yet. About the Christmas I skipped to go home with Hubby. Her last Christmas.
I bawled myself to sleep that night.
Yesterday, I still felt like shit from this cold, but I went to work anyway because I had meetings/visits scheduled with other people that I just wanted to get over with. My first visit of the day was with a mom I’ve been working with over the span of two kids, so we’ve known each other a while. Apparently long enough that she had no problem telling me I looked tired. Really tired. She also confirmed again, “You don’t have kids, right?” Followed by the inevitable, “Do you want them?” It’s a good thing I was already writing by this point because there’s no way I could have looked her in the eye at that moment. I just gave her the standard one-word answers and moved on.
I also bought myself a crap-ton of junk food that day, at the pharmacy where I was picking up a new pack of BCPs. Because I just feel like wallowing this weekend. I know I have to get over the disappointment and start looking ahead at some point, but for now, I want to be sad for a minute. And then it’s back to more waiting.