It’s been an up-and-down day.  I’ve got a lot to wrap my brain around, so I’m breaking it down sort-of-bullet-style.

Good: I had two visits this morning and took the rest of the day off, so Hubby and I got to have lunch together before our appointment, and I spent the rest of the afternoon at home.

Bad: I already have a mess to figure out tomorrow.  I got a text saying my 1:00 cancelled.  I didn’t have a 1:00 scheduled for today, so I need to figure out if my 1:00 for tomorrow thought the appointment was today or really needs to cancel for tomorrow.  I know it’s not a big deal, but it’s one more thing I have to do in an already busy day.

Good: I’m glad we spent the money on genetic screening because

Bad: Two of our four embryos were genetically abnormal, including one of the better-graded embryos that would have been transferred if we hadn’t done the screening.

Good: One of them was “normal,” and the other one came out “no signal,” which means we don’t know one way or the other on that one.  But those are the two we’ll transfer (assuming they survive the thaw).

Bad: After the transfer, we’ll have nothing left.  Dr. C tried to talk us into doing another fresh cycle, saying my response was not great for a 34-year-old, and if this transfer works, I’ll be at least 36 by the time we try another one.  But we don’t have the money for another cycle now, and I don’t want to put off this FET any longer.

Good: We got our FET on the calendar.

Bad: I was under the impression that transfer would happen next month (Hubby, too), but it turns out it won’t happen until March.

Good: Hubby made three appointments to freeze some sperm, which means he can soon go back on his beloved testosterone.

Bad: His counts seem to be in decline, nowhere near the all-time high of 850,000/ml (which is still abysmally low).

Good: I came home and made an appointment with a therapist.

Bad: She didn’t come across well over the phone.  Maybe she’s not a phone person.  I don’t know.  I was a nervous wreck talking to her and couldn’t even get out the questions I had written down in front of me.  The two other therapists I was going to contact aren’t available.  One of them isn’t taking new patients, and the other is out of the office until February 11.  I don’t know if the one I scheduled with is going to accommodate my work schedule.  Her latest appointment is at 4, except for the one day I could do a 4:00 appointment, when her office is closed.

Good: We have a plan.  We have solid dates on the calendar.  We have two PHOIs waiting for us.

Bad: This is our only chance for now.  I don’t know what we’ll do if it doesn’t work, and it’s making me more anxious than usual.  I’ve nearly burst into tears at random several times this afternoon.  I couldn’t even tell you why.

35 thoughts on “good/bad/good/bad

  1. Oh dude, it’s all so hard. I love that you are acknowledging the good points as well as the bad points though, you are a very strong, ballsy lady and I think you will get through this like you have everything else. Sending you a virtual shoulder to absorb those tears.

  2. Wow. That’s a ton of stuff to handle. I’m glad that you are looking at therapists. This infertility business is just so damn hard. I hope you find one that you like. I’m sending lots of positive thoughts for your PHOIs, and I am glad you are know moving towards your FET.

    • Thanks, Kristin. I’m beginning to wish I’d started looking into therapists a lot earlier, but hopefully I won’t have to look too long before I find one I like.

  3. I have been checking in all day to see if you’d update. What a lot to process. 2 is great though! Fingers crossed that at least one of them is your one day baby.

    Is there a reason you’re transferring 2 and not just 1? I ask out of curiosity. Our doc is pushing for 1 at a time and I am thinking that is what we are going to do, but it’s all so much to take in and figure out. I like hearing how others came to the decision. Our FET is also scheduled for March. Started birth control this week actually!

    • Well, Hubby is very excited by the possibility of twins, and I think he’s started to rub off on me! Our RE was fine with transferring two if we had been able to do a fresh transfer, and it seems to be pretty standard with a frozen transfer at our clinic. I think we could handle twins (more than that, not so much), and I keep hoping my height gives me an advantage as far as maybe easing some of the discomfort of a twin pregnancy. We’ll see. It’s gotten to the point where I’m beginning to think I’ll be disappointed if we don’t get twins.

      I’m super excited we’ve still managed to end up cycle buddies! I start Lupron tomorrow.

  4. Whoa! A lot to deal with! I think you are handling it well! I have never done aphone screening with a therapist. I think you will be able to tell a lot more when you meet in person! Awesome that you made that step! Dont be afriad to try someone else if you dont like them. I will be thinking very positive thoughts for those PHOIs and your March cycle!

    • I’m hoping it was just because she was calling me between sessions that she seemed to rushed. I’m sure when I get to sit down with her I’ll feel a bit more at ease. Thanks for the positive thoughts!

  5. If I had spoken to my therapist first via phone, I think I wouldn’t have gone with him. And I live be him – he is just what I need. So I’m hoping the same is true for you too!!!

    2 embryos is a good thing! I’m excited for you!

  6. That’s a lot to handle right now! I’m glad you’re looking at therapists. I’m sure it will help immensely. Congrats on your two PHOIs! Fingers crossed that at least one of those is your forever baby!

  7. I’ll be right there FET-ing with you in March. We can keep each other company through the dreaded TWW. I’m so sorry that they didn’t all come back normal, but think of the grief you’ve saved yourself in transferring that one great-looking embryo only to be devastated by a miscarriage. I’m starting to wish we’d PGDed this cycle since we only have the one, but hindsight is 20/20.

    • If we had only had two embryos make it to day 6, I think we would have transferred them no matter what, without doing any genetic testing. Just to give ourselves a shot. I think the thought of miscarriage is always at the forefront when you’re part of this community, just because we’ve witnessed just about everything that can happen. I’m wishing you the very best!

  8. That’s a lot of good things to hang on to and a lot of bad things to worry over. I’m so hoping your FET turns out exactly the way it SHOULD, so that you can stop worrying over a few things on your list! You guys deserve a break. So much.

  9. Crap, what a day. I’m glad you got time off today and some good news about the embryos. But I’m also sorry to hear that two of them are abnormal. That’s so unfair.

    Hang in there. All of this is rough and takes so much out of a person. Rest up and hoping there is better news ahead very soon.

  10. This is a lot to process. I’m glad you have two to transfer and so sorry the other two were abnormal. It’s a good thing to have the plan and a date for transfer. And I hope the therapist is a good match for you.

  11. So proud of you for this balaced approach. I’m sorry that two of your embies are abnormal, but really really hope that this FET is gonna go ahead smoothly and end in good things for you guys. Hope that the therapist can be of some help. Thinking of you and sending many good vibes your way.

    • Thank you! My tendency is to focus on the negative, so I’m trying really hard to stay positive as our FET approaches. I also hope the therapist can help me do that.

  12. The way you wrote your post completely gets across how confusing and scary the process can be and emotionally draining. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for those two embryos. Remember, all you need is one to work. The transfer will be here before you know it. Hang in there. hugs and blessings

  13. I can only focus on the positive – and I’m so happy you did the PGD! Now you know you have at least one good embryo and probably two. That is *so* exciting!!! All it takes is ONE, missus. And next year, this time, you may very well have your hands so full of baby(ies) that you won’t be worried about any of the not-so-positive things on your list today. Here’s hoping!

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