A full two weeks of my body oscillating between trying to get sick and valiantly fighting off the plague has culminated in two days (so far) of laryngitis. As my job consists of a lot of one-on-one conversation, this also means I’ve been staying home trying to rest and recover my voice.
And it got me thinking. When I first started this blog, it was an outlet for me, both emotionally and creatively. I wrote a lot of well thought out, metaphor-filled posts about waiting, hope, and how infertility has affected nearly every aspect of my life. I dutifully gave Hubby his injections and eagerly awaited the day we’d have a real chance at making a baby. All the while, sending my voice out into the ether of the blogiverse.
Now that we’re here, on the verge of our first transfer, I’m having a much harder time getting my thoughts in order. My voice is shaky. Ever since our one-and-only IUI, I’ve felt consumed with the process, the stats, the numbers. And my creativity has suffered.
Maybe it’s the hormones. (Always blame the hormones, right?) Whatever it is, I’m tired of the obsessing, the whining, the moaning. I’m sick of myself, and it doesn’t feel very good.
I’m trying to work on it. My emotional and mental states have been on a much more even keel the past several days, and I’ve gotten some excellent news: my family is coming for a full week in March! They arrive two days after the transfer and leave the day of my first beta. I haven’t decided whether I’ll share the news with them on that day or not, but having them here will be a welcome distraction to get us through the (less than) two-week wait.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies shooting out of my ass around here. But I’m going to do my best to nurture the creative part of myself that’s gotten lost somewhere among all the needles, follicle counts, money stress, and stirrup anxiety. Just as I’m taking care of myself, drinking tea with lemon and honey to heal my sore and swollen throat, I have to take care of my creative self, too, and recover my voice in every sense of the word.