My Voice

A full two weeks of my body oscillating between trying to get sick and valiantly fighting off the plague has culminated in two days (so far) of laryngitis.  As my job consists of a lot of one-on-one conversation, this also means I’ve been staying home trying to rest and recover my voice.

And it got me thinking.  When I first started this blog, it was an outlet for me, both emotionally and creatively.  I wrote a lot of well thought out, metaphor-filled posts about waiting, hope, and how infertility has affected nearly every aspect of my life.  I dutifully gave Hubby his injections and eagerly awaited the day we’d have a real chance at making a baby.  All the while, sending my voice out into the ether of the blogiverse.

Now that we’re here, on the verge of our first transfer, I’m having a much harder time getting my thoughts in order.  My voice is shaky.  Ever since our one-and-only IUI, I’ve felt consumed with the process, the stats, the numbers.  And my creativity has suffered.

Maybe it’s the hormones.  (Always blame the hormones, right?)  Whatever it is, I’m tired of the obsessing, the whining, the moaning.  I’m sick of myself, and it doesn’t feel very good.

I’m trying to work on it.  My emotional and mental states have been on a much more even keel the past several days, and I’ve gotten some excellent news: my family is coming for a full week in March!  They arrive two days after the transfer and leave the day of my first beta.  I haven’t decided whether I’ll share the news with them on that day or not, but having them here will be a welcome distraction to get us through the (less than) two-week wait.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies shooting out of my ass around here.  But I’m going to do my best to nurture the creative part of myself that’s gotten lost somewhere among all the needles, follicle counts, money stress, and stirrup anxiety.  Just as I’m taking care of myself, drinking tea with lemon and honey to heal my sore and swollen throat, I have to take care of my creative self, too, and recover my voice in every sense of the word.

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20 thoughts on “My Voice

  1. I’ve also felt that huge drain on my creativity. So much energy goes into keeping yourself sane, it often feels like not much is left over for whatever it was we used to be before this all began. Good luck with your family’s visit, your transfer, your beta, and beyond.

    • Thank you! I usually have sort of an ebb and flow of creativity, but lately it’s definitely been more ebb. But it takes work, too, which I probably haven’t been putting in. I’m working on it.

  2. Lately, as we go further and further away from treatments and closer to adoption, I find I have so little to say as well. I don’t know if it’s creativity that’s lacking or just a blank space that I’m not ready to fill out yet.

    I hope you feel better soon, and that the quiet time helps you recover your creativity…

    • Thanks!

      It’s hard to fill up a space when it feels like you’re standing in a vacuum, just waiting for the next thing to happen. I guess my thing is not so much what I have to say but how I say it.

  3. I’m not a tremendously creative person but I’ve definitely felt the infertility drain on my life in general. I’ve been working on having plans and a life that doesn’t revolve around needles and the clinic, and it’s been good for my mental health. I’m glad you’ll have a pleasant distraction during the TWW. Feel better soon!

  4. For the record, I still love to read your posts, whether you feel they’ve lost their creativity or not. But it’s never a bad thing to try to reignite your creative, artistic side. And I hope you feel better soon. Rest up!

  5. It’s such an emotionally and physically draining process. It’s easy to lose touch with one’s creative side when something else is all-consuming. Your creativity is still there though in your writing. I hope you feel better soon and glad to hear you’ll have family around!

  6. IF does not leave much room for creativity huh? its all science and numbers, i am sorry you are sick but excited that your fam will be around for the tww! I hope that will make the time go fast!

  7. Gotta say I’m pretty disappointed at the lack of rainbows and butterflies shooting out your arse. But then, it would be hard for your RE to do the transfer if he’s sitting there with butterflies being fired at him.

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