Thanks, everyone, for your helpful suggestions. I was able to get myself moving a bit, starting in the bathroom, the smallest room in the house. Once I got going and was feeling motivated, I was even able to do a little yoga, something I’ve been having a hard time making myself do since our crowded house became even more crowded with not one, but two bikes in the living room. But that’s a whole other story.
I wanted to elaborate a bit on my last post. Part of the reason I have such a hard time getting started is that I spend a lot of time
planning walking around inside my own head. Between the time my alarm clock goes off and my feet touch the floor, I lie in bed for up to 20 minutes thinking about the day ahead. Have I decided what I’m going to wear? How many home visits do I have? Do I have to make phone calls or do paperwork? How is a difficult conversation with a family going to go? What about appointments after work? Is Hubby going to want to watch a movie tonight? What are we going to have for dinner?
Showers run long for the same reason.
Before I do anything, I’d prefer to think about it, run every possible scenario in my head, come up with a plan–then a plan B and C–before proceeding. I’m definitely a think-before-you-speak/act kind of girl. Even when I sit down to write, I’ve already thought extensively about what I want to say, how I want to say it, playing around with phrasing and word choice long before I put my fingers to the keys. I self-edit to the point of not speaking up during a conversation because I have to think through exactly what I want to say, and usually by the time I’ve gotten it right in my head, the moment has passed. (Which, by the way, is not limited to face-to-face conversations–it comes into play with blog commenting, too.)
Once I’ve got a plan in mind, though, it’s not easy to change it on the fly.
When we found out the sex of one of our embryos–which I didn’t want to know and happened completely by accident when we got the rest of the information from the genetic screening–it threw those plans all out of whack. Hubby, who had always insisted we would only have girls, seemed unfazed by the knowledge that at least one of the embryos we’re planning to transfer is male. While I, who had always said, “You don’t get to pick. What if we have a boy?” was suddenly in free fall, struggling to get a grasp on something solid, a foothold I could use to anchor myself, to orient myself to this new reality. All of Hubby’s plans for little girls had seeped into my psyche, too, and I wasn’t sure what to do with this new information. I had to talk myself into a new story: We don’t know the sex of the second embryo. That one could be a girl. Boy-girl twins would be pretty cute….
And then I have to remind myself, just as I had reminded Hubby, “You don’t get to pick.” There are some things I just can’t plan. And I hate it.
Not that I’m incapable of making decisions in the moment. I have to do it all the time at work. Of course, these are usually decisions that don’t affect me directly, that have much more impact on the families I serve, that don’t change my plans for myself. But they work out, and some of my best thinking comes in the spur of the moment.
And then lunch time comes…and I’m paralyzed again, facing a new, overwhelming choice I hadn’t yet planned for. Because I spend much more time worrying and planning for the abstract than the practical. Like cleaning my house.
The thing is, I’m an intelligent, capable person. I don’t know why I let the trivialities of everyday life stop me in my tracks. I don’t know why shopping for groceries has become this huge ordeal, whereas choosing our clinic or how to proceed with fertility treatments was a no-brainer. The big decisions are easy. I moved in with Hubby a few months after we started dating. We got married, even though it went against our original plans of waiting until after he finished his PhD. And now, we’re (hopefully) about to embark on parenthood. These are the things that are going to profoundly affect the rest of my life.
But what I’m wearing to work tomorrow, or which restaurant to take my family to when they visit next month, these are the things that prevent me from getting out of bed.
I think something in my brain got screwed on backwards.