One week from today, I will be lounging on the couch for the first of two days of bed rest following our frozen embryo transfer. Assuming all continues to go well.
The idea that, in seven days, I’ll be as close to pregnant as I’ve ever been is starting to sink in a little, and I’m freaking out. The worry is just beginning to set in, and I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse the closer we get.
Last night, I finally did the exercise my therapist recommended: worry time. I set the timer for 15 minutes and began writing. A snippet:
Today I’m worried…
That something will go wrong at tomorrow’s appointment.
That there will be a cyst, or my hormone levels will be off, or my lining will be too thin.
That I have too much work to do to miss another morning of work.
That [my supervisor] is going to get tired of me leaving for doctor’s appointments all the time.
That I’m gaining weight.
That I’ve been so lazy the last couple of days I’ve been eating crap & not caring.
That I’m going to get pregnant with twins and get super fat!
But it didn’t feel right to stop there. I knew there were solutions to some of these worries, things I could do, if not right that second, in the coming hours or days. So I continued to write:
What I can do about it:
1. I can’t do anything about tomorrow’s appointment. I’ve done everything I can–given myself injections, applied patches–exactly when I’m supposed to. The rest is out of my hands.
2. Admittedly, work is not my top priority lately, but I haven’t exactly been slacking off, either. I can do what I can do in a given 40 hours, and this week I’ve got plenty to do.
3. I’ve already told [my supervisor] the reason for all these appointments, and she understands. She’s on my side.
9. Eat right. Exercise. Buy something healthy when you go shopping tomorrow. Ride the stationary bike while watching TV or reading blogs/poems. And if you get fat? Who cares–you’ll have twins!
The plan is to do this exercise again tonight, and share the results with Dr. N. tomorrow. My new list is going to include things like hoping both Cryo-kids survive the thaw and wondering if I can still go hiking with my family in the week following the transfer. (But it won’t include worry that the laptop will fry the embryos–I asked at today’s appointment, and the nurse told me that if I put a pillow between the laptop and my uterus, it should be fine.)
As for today? Lining is 10-11 cm. There was a follicle on the right, but hormone levels are where they should be–progesterone is low, and I’ll go back on Friday to make sure it stays that way before I begin PIO injections. Estrogen is fine. The patches are working, and I don’t have to add Estrace to the mix. Score 1 for my body actually doing something right.