Not My Fault

According to Dr. C, nothing about our failed cycle can be chalked up to poor egg quality or ute problems.  He proclaimed that he’s more thorough than most when it comes to checking out the lady bits pre-IVF to ensure he knows what he’s working with.  That the only thing he’d do differently is start me out at the mega-high dose of stims I ended up needing and decrease it later in the cycle.

Of course, he ended up contradicting himself yet again, saying that I responded well and that we should be happy we ended up with four embryos.  Whatever.

I don’t know how to feel about this news.  Part of me was hoping he could identify a problem.  Something that could be addressed and fixed.  Something that would make our next cycle work.

What he did say is that there’s a possibility Hubby’s sperm is the problem, even though we had a high fertilization rate and ended up with four blasts.  That at the time of transfer, the male DNA starts working, and this could be the reason our embryos stalled out.  My HCG was at 2 nine days after transfer, which tells us nothing about whether or not our embryos tried to implant and failed or didn’t even get that far.

If Hubby’s sperm is fucked up, every IVF cycle we try will end in failure.  Still, Dr. C recommended trying again.  A $20,000 gamble I’m not sure I want to make.  Except that it’s the only thing Hubby’s willing to do right now.  Dr. C mentioned donor sperm but said he wouldn’t go there unless it was something we’d already discussed and were ready to do.  Which we haven’t and we’re not.

The biggest problem right now is how we’ll pay for it if we do go again.  Dr. C said he’d give us a discount, but he didn’t say how much that would knock off the price.  My guess is not much.  He also recommended the financing company they use, which offers various plans, including packages for multiple rounds of IVF/FET.  Another discussion Hubby and I have to have.

I made it through the whole appointment without crying.  I saved that for the parking lot, when Hubby and I were discussing when we might be able to scrounge up enough money to do another cycle, and he said a few months one way or the other isn’t going to make a difference.  And I had to explain to him–again!–that I’m not getting any younger.

I’m a little overwhelmed right now and not sure what we’ll do next.  We still have time to figure it out.  The only thing I do know is that we’re not ready to give up.


18 thoughts on “Not My Fault

  1. Oh, my dear. I’m sorry for the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. It sucks, and I wish things were different.

    I know hearing reasons for failed cycles is reassuring, but maybe there’s some comfort in hearing that there is no reason. Maybe there’s hope that next time will be a success.

    Thinking about you and wishing for good things.

  2. Failed cycles suck, especially when there is no reason other than shitty luck. It’s nice to know there’s hope in trying again, but it’s also terrifying that it could fail again for no known reason. These are hard decisions. I wish you well as you sort them out.

  3. I don’t know if you read Stupid Stork ( but her hubby had his sperm tested and they found he’s missing a protein. They had one chemical before they got him tested. So with her next cycle they’re mixing in that missing protein during fertilization and it should fix the problem. Maybe you could look into testing on his sperm?

    Sending hugs your way, friend!

  4. One of the most frustrating things I found with IF is that it feels like it is a constant gamble, with very high amounts of money, time and emotions involved. It’s so hard, especially when being told “well it could be this” or “it could work this time” or “I don’t really know, but give us more money and we’ll try again.” Thinking of you!

  5. I hate the WTF appointments. Rarely does anyone come away with a clear explanation of what’s wrong and what to do differently next time. I know this may seem extra stressful, but have you considered a second opinion? Considering you now have data from this last round, it may be worth having another set of eyes look over everything. Thinking if you.

  6. Ugh. Having no solid answers is no help at all. But because you’re not ready to give up, I know you will find a way to try again. This has delayed your plans, but not canceled them. I am still so hopeful for you, Daryl. I still believe you can hold your own baby, a perfect blend of you and your hubby, in your arms. xo

  7. ditto, I’d feel better if they could give me an explanation as to why it’s not working too. yeah we’ll totally ‘jsut try again,’ just give me a private room so I can pull the $4000 out of my ass. it’s hard hard hard… but you are one strong lady.

  8. You know, at our last follow-up hubby said I looked disappointed that they didn’t find any real reason it hadn’t worked again for us. I was more… surprised. It would be easier if someone said clearly, this is what you need, right. Even if it would be using donor gametes. I think that’s the difficulty, because we can never know if another IVF would work if we don’t try, but man what a gamble it is! On all levels as time slips by as well during the process. I’m sorry your hubby isn’t open to discuss other options yet. It all takes time to process.

  9. So hard to not have answers. I wondered the same about our failed fresh cycle — if it wasn’t a sperm problem – given my husband’s issues. We decided that if our frosties didn’t bring us our take home baby, that we’d use donor sperm. I think I struggled more with accepting that possibility than he did. But the reality is, I’m running out of time and I’ve given up 4 of my pretty decent fertile years already. At the end of the day, I just want to be a mom and have a family. I hope that you both can find the answer that works for you and gives you some hope in moving forward. Big hugs, lady. None of this is easy.

  10. I wish there were answers or advice to make it easier. Each time we’ve reviewed our history with a specialist, the summary is always the same: shit luck. It sucks big time to not have the answers, because of course that means that there are no magic little things that we can do to feel more in control. I’m sorry I can’t offer more, but I know what you’re feeling and I’m sending lots of warm thoughts your way. I hope that in time you’ll find the way forward that is right for you both. Hugs.

  11. I hated those meetings. I so wanted the RE to tell me why it didn’t work and how we could fix it. I hated hearing we have no idea why it didn’t work but try again and maybe it will work. We also suspected sperm quality issues even though we had good fertilization and our RE thought it didn’t matter since we were doing ICSI. My husband ended up taking a ton of sperm-helping supplements and was going to acupuncture with me and taking chinese herbs. It did help his count and motility, but can’t really prove anything beyond that or if that was the thing that made this cycle work. It’s all such a crapshoot. I hope you are able to try again sooner rather than later.

  12. Just got caught up on all your posts… and I’m so sorry. There’s nothing I have to say except that my heart goes out to you. I know it’ll all end up okay somehow, but right now, things suck – and I’m sorry. I’m sending you a huge virtual hug and wishing you lots of peace and happiness.

  13. Me neither. It’s very hard to hear your consultant saying (in my case) ‘there’s very little we could change next time’…but we’re not ready to give up yet either. I’ve had a karyotype blood test done to check for chromosome abnormalities, about the only test we haven’t had done.The fight goes on!

  14. I completely understand wanting to find a problem versus not finding one at all versus finding one and being scared to death. What it all boils down to is that is all just plain sucks.

    It is good news that your egg quality doesn’t seem to be a problem. Sorry for all the crappiness you’ve endured lately and wishing you well for next time.

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