April Fool

I hate April Fool’s Day.  Hate it.  I’m not tricky or clever, and I don’t like it when other people try to be.  Don’t get me wrong–it was hilarious when my mom fed my brother chocolate-covered-cubes-of-wax.  But any scenario involving me as the butt of the joke?  No, thanks.  I managed to muddle through yesterday unscathed, practical-joke-wise, but so far, the month is off to a sucktacular start, even without the pranks:

I have a warring fear/desire for sex going on in my body and brain.  I’m not exactly “in the mood,” but I don’t want to miss what might be our last opportunity while Hubby still has a few sperm.  Apparently, since starting the testosterone injections again, his balls are shrinking (or so he reports to me on a nightly basis).  I’m torn between not wanting our last chance for a miracle to slip away and the reality that IVF didn’t work for us–plain ol’ sex probably isn’t going to cut it.  I just don’t want to look back and be tortured by what-ifs.

Hubby hasn’t heard about the post-doc yet, but he did have another phone interview yesterday with a non-academic company.  (A job for which he’s over-qualified, and if he were to get it, would likely be underpaid, given his skill level.)  Until we know what he might be doing job-wise, it seems we can’t even think about what to do baby-making-wise.  Too many variables.  So we’re in limbo again.  Only, this is a much worse limbo than waiting around with money in the bank to start IVF.  So. much. worse.

Yesterday, for the first time since learning our IVF/FET didn’t work, I skipped work.  It was a miserable day from the moment I got up, and I just didn’t want to be there.  One of my families cancelled, so I went ahead and cancelled my only other afternoon appointment and then called into the office “sick” for the rest of the day.  Not my usual obliged-to-work-even-when-I-really-don’t-feel-like-it self.  Dr. N offered to write me a note to get me out of work a couple of weeks ago.  Maybe I should take her up on that…but then I’d just be home wallowing.  Not pretty.

Speaking of not pretty, I desperately need a hair cut.  I really want to cut it all off super short again, but I hesitate to do that because it would only serve to draw attention to me, and I don’t want anyone paying too much attention.  They’ll see that I’m still super sad, even though I try to hide it with a fake smile and a fancy new hairdo.

Which brings me to my latest sad realization.  I’m fighting the impulse to be in a good mood.  Because if I’m having a good time, that means I’m over it, and I’m not ready to be over it.  I know it’s ridiculous.  I know I don’t have to be miserable every second of the day to still be affected by what is (still) a huge loss.  But I’ve been nothing if not illogical the past couple of weeks.

Oh, yeah.  And last night I had a dream I was giving birth.  So that’s great.

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11 thoughts on “April Fool

  1. Daryl, it is really hard to do, but try, try to live in the now. Right now you have your health, you have your job, you have a husband that loves you and a loving family that cares for you. You also have a community online that cares for you and is sending you all the best thoughts and wishes. If you can find a drop of happiness in this very moment, take it… life is made up of these little moments… guilt about a little moment of being content, when we think we shouldn’t be, is about the least productive emotion we can have. I hear you about the “what ifs”, “maybe this could be the time” thoughts. I had plenty of those, it ended up putting a lot of pressure on my relationship because sex became all about that one shot that could be, even though the chances were really slim to none. Hang in there and take in whatever little good moments you can. Get a cool haircut and feel good about yourself.

  2. You’re definitely not alone. Every month, I stress about how often we’re having sex in my fertile window, even though I know in my heart that this won’t happen without IVF. Still, I feel like we’re missing an opportunity if we don’t have sex every day after a trigger shot; then I feel guilty when I make DH have sex, even when he isn’t in the mood.

    My best friend loves to trick herself into feeling better by making herself LOOK better. It works most of the time, and I’ll admit I’ve tried it a few times. Mostly, though, I just like to wallow when I’m feeling down. But, when I’m ready to snap out of it, it’s a great way to boost my mood. Ever since I accepted that I’ll never get over my miscarriage or infertility, it’s been much easier to come out of my IF-related funk.

  3. Wallowing is okay, you know, but so are those moments of laughter, fun, and happiness, however fleeting they are. I say ride the wave of emotions and let yourself feel what you feel. Don’t censor yourself or force yourself to feel something you don’t in that one, solitary moment. ~ hugs ~

  4. Good for you for taking a day off for yourself. Sorry you are in such limbo. The waiting and the limbo are so hard. I hope your hubby gets news about a job soon so you can start to plan your next steps.

  5. You know what? I often find myself frustrated when other people who know about what I’m going through see that I’m in a good mood on a particular day and then they say things like, “You’re really doing a lot better!” As if me being able to laugh at a joke means that I’m totally over the failed IVF cycle, or any of the rest of it. It makes me wonder if I’m supposed to walk around crying all the time just so nobody gets the wrong impression.

  6. I’m glad you took the day off & completely support more of that…and a haircut. I get the feeling like you should feel sad thing. I think for me sometimes it’s because, even if I’m doing better one day, I want to have the right to be sad the next day. Hopefully you can be around people who give you permission to go with those ups and downs. Good luck friend.

  7. just… be. I like to think of that song ‘if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’ and it feels like it gives me permission to just be, second to second, on the bad days. I’m sad and I know so i’m going to cry. I’m angry and I know it so I’m going to stamp my feet. Ride them all out as they come and go and try not to give a fuck what other people think. your journey is your own. Though don’t apply that theory to getting a haircut otherwise you’ll end up with it half-shaved underneath because it’s so thick and it’s just so freaking hot… okay I was only 16 for that impromptu ‘do. Think on the haircut for a couple of days.

  8. A little pampering is never wrong, a haircut, manicure or anything else you fancy. Treat yourself and if you feel better for a little while, take it when the moments come. Thinking of you.

  9. Those dreams are THE worst. I’m so sorry that even sleep can’t protect you from grief. So tough. After losing our son to miscarriage, I cut my hair really short and dyed it sort of blue/purple/black (it actually looked better than it sounds). I can identify with the desire to look different in the midst of all of this stuff. And lastly, I REALLY get what you mean about not wanting to feel okay yet. TOTALLY, totally get that.

  10. Oh man, if I had a dime for all the lactating, nursing, birth giving, baby having dreams I’ve had in the last few years, I’d have enough money to adopt. xo

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