Happy Thoughts Thursday: Better at Sad

Being happy doesn’t seem to come naturally to me.  I have to work a lot harder to maintain a positive attitude.  The exact opposite of my husband.  Dr. N actually asked me today if I was upset that Hubby didn’t seem to share my grief.  Uh, no.  He’s allowed to grieve in his own way.  Which seems to be by looking to the future.  I’m more upset at myself for my own continued sadness.

I’m trying (and, until therapy today, I thought I was succeeding) to allow myself to be in a better mood the past couple of days.  I was starting to take care of myself, eating better, and even did yoga yesterday.  I started out my therapy session by saying I was feeling okay, at times, and how good it felt to let myself do that.  Then things took a turn.  I’m not even sure how, but I ended the session crying.  Again.  I came home and asked Hubby if it was a bad sign that I felt worse after therapy.  We’ll see what the next week brings.

On a good day, I need fewer distractions.  On a good day, I still cry, or at least blink back tears, when I hear certain songs on the radio or think too fondly of the Little-Embryos-that-Couldn’t.  Wouldn’t.  Would never be.

Nevertheless, I am making an attempt to focus on the positive.  Here’s proof:

I talked to my sister on the phone for an hour and half yesterday, and it wasn’t all about me.  Thank goodness.

Yoga!  Seriously, it had been for.ev.er. since I’d done yoga, and it was amazing.

I went ahead and made an appointment for a hair cut.  Haven’t decided yet how drastic I’ll go, but I’m looking forward to a little pampering.

Hubby has heard me laughing out loud before bed, where I lie reading the newest book he bought for me, Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

I have a dinner date on Monday.  Very exciting.  I may even write about it here.

Last, but certainly not least, you guys are awesome.  Even I get sick of hearing my own whining, but you never bitch and moan about my bitching and moaning.  So thanks.

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12 thoughts on “Happy Thoughts Thursday: Better at Sad

  1. There is no right way to be, no right way to react. I took our first failed IVF really, REALLY hard and that grief seemed to last forever for me. You’re going to be OK – in due time!

  2. I’m so sorry I haven’t been commenting much lately but know that I am thinking about you and holding you in my heart. I’m glad it’s getting better but I know it’s still so hard.

    Abiding with you.

  3. We all have bad days and good days. We sometimes post all the time and other times we can’t bring ourselves to comment or post. And I’m sure that there’s some saying in there about a pot and a kettle. We read through it all cause you do the same and its not cause we have to, its cause we want to. So vent away, be happy (or not), we’re here and we’re likely not going anywhere cause we care too much! (And don’t forget it!) ❤

  4. Fake it till you make it. Words to live by. Sometimes, you put on a face and play the role of “happy person” when nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully, things get better and real happy will creep in… or at least sad will be turned down a notch. And the reason you feel worse after therapy, is that you are taking off the mask and talking about the sad… and that’s hard work. In the long run, the process will help. Just keep swimming.

  5. You’ll get there. You’re taking little steps each days and eventually you will get there. Don’t rush it. don’t feel like you “have” to be better. You are grieving a loss and you should process it in your own time and own way. Hope you start having more and more good days. Or at least good moments. 🙂

  6. Actually, I think it’s a good sign that you’re feeling worse after therapy. It means your digging and dealing with some very hard things. Those sessions are never fun, but they are necessary for actually healing to happen. Hang in there, it’s rough.

    I’m with Wannabemom: faking it till you make it is good advice. I’m also not a naturally happy person, so I find there are times where I just have to pretend that everything is right in the world. It doesn’t always work, but there are more times than not it does.

    You’re doing a hard thing. And you’re proof illustrates that. Keep going, even if it doesn’t seem like it’s making a difference. It’s evident that it is.

  7. I’ve always heard that feeling worse after therapy is a GOOD thing, because if you walk out of there feeling better or “normal” you’ve probably dodged an issue you needed to talk about. As much as it sucks at the time, sometimes feeling crappier is better.
    HUGS

  8. Hey, I’m right there with you. I have moments of happiness but then the sad just creeps back in. And my husband is the same as yours in that he seems to be able to find the happy much more easily. I’m jealous of him a lot of the time for that.

  9. I almost always felt worse after therapy. It takes a little longer for the good result of all that talking and purging to come through. It sounds like you are getting there little by little. Easy for me to say, but don’t be upset with yourself for being sad — it takes as long as it takes, and you need whatever help you need, and there is NO JUDGMENT in the world that is either (a) helpful or (b) accurate, either from you or from other people. Just keep moving: fast, slow, intermittent, and even backwards if that’s where you need to go in order to get out of it. You are doing great.

  10. Sounds like you are feeling exactly the way you are supposed to heal. There’s no right way. And i have walked out of therapy or my support group feeilng worse before but usually that means that I was on my way to figuring out something new.

  11. Grief is such a process, and never a well-organized, mapped-out one either. It’s messy and there’s a lot of two steps forward, one step back. It’s okay to be sad for longer than you think you “should” and to move forward (however that looks) whenever you feel ready. Sometimes it is hard to heal because that just further cements the fact that our dreams didn’t come true…and that we’ve actually survived it, which in certain moments, feels worse. Hoping that healing comes alongside you on this journey and replaces the loneliness and hopelessness.

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