Down Days

The last week has been hard.  I’ve been pretty down in the dumps since my last therapy session, and today’s wasn’t any better.  I was angry about my conversation with D, and I’m already anticipating the anniversary of my mother’s death this weekend.  (I’ll write more about that later.)

My head still hurts from crying.  Dr. N reiterated her assertions that I’m too hard on myself.  I never imagined I would take a failed cycle this hard for this long.  I never imagined a failed IVF cycle at all.  Logically, I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work, but Dr. C kept repeating that magic number.  Seventy-five.  He gave us a 75% chance that this would work.

And, speaking of stupid odds, on top of everything, there was Hubby’s “final four” shot at getting a job in his field of study.  He hasn’t heard anything officially, but at this point, we’re assuming there is no offer coming his way.

I yelled at him for pulling the front off one of the drawers in the kitchen the other night.  It was only his fault in that he doesn’t know his own strength.  The drawer, like the rest of our kitchen, is old, and there’s not even a smooth track for it to glide on.  It doesn’t fit properly, and my guess is that it was so misaligned that it wouldn’t have mattered how hard Hubby pulled, the drawer was not coming out.  So the front broke off, leaving nails askew and wood splintered.  I tried to fix it myself, but it’s going to require replacing a piece of wood, and that falls under the domain of our landlady, not me.

Anyway, as I banged around with the hammer, looked for wood glue, and eventually gave up, I became more and more infuriated.  I attempted to slam the drawer–unfixed–back into place, and gave myself a splinter in the process.  At which point I became unhinged.  I screamed at Hubby.  He responded by imploring me to calm down.  “It’s just a drawer,” he said.  “Yeah,” I responded in a huff, “because that’s all this is about.”

We had Chinese tonight, and my fortune said, “You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire.”

Bull. Shit.

Maybe one of these days, I’ll be able to write about something pleasant that happened.  Some normal moment.  Like asking my coworker about her vacation.  Or having a text conversation with my sister that made me laugh out loud.  And while those things happened this week, that day is not today.

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14 thoughts on “Down Days

  1. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time and so sorry the anniversary of losing your mom is here. I lost my dad a few years ago and losing a parent is sooooo hard. I don’t know if you’re interested but there is a group of us who are going to be reading the book Pregnant With Hope (you can actually view the first chapter on amazon.com) starting on Tuesday. A friend who has had numerous failed IVF’s and a failed adoption suggested it , she said it has really helped her. If you decide to join us the website is http://pregnantwithhope.boards.net
    Keep your chin up, this isn’t what your mom would have wanted for you to go through but I’m sure she is watching over you and rooting for you guys to get your miracle just like all of us are.
    Blessings -t

  2. I’m so sorry. I wish there was more for me to say, but I think the only thing that makes these things better is time, or maybe something to hope for in its place. I hope you find that — or it finds you. And until then, I just wish you peace and strength. I know these days are so hard.

  3. There are moments where the pain and frustration can no longer be kept at bay. You’ve been through hell and recovery from that is never easy. The key is continuing to seek help, even when it’s painful. Because healing involves extracting the dage and the hurt.

    Thinking of you during this time.

  4. There are some moments that make you want to sharpen pencils and promptly jab them in your eyes! When you do you unfortunately blind yourself. Its days likes these when the only prayer I’m able to utter is, “Dear God, you’ve gotten me this far –which seemed pretty impossible without your help–guess I’ll trust you to get me the whole way through!” Praying for you. I’m glad you’re reaching out. No one can know what it’s like to experience what you’re going through, I look forward to reading your posts about texts, and vacations. I’ll pray you get your BFP some day!

  5. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. I’m right there with you, another failed cycle and my loss anniversary coming up. I’m trying to be more gentle with myself, and I hope you are, too. We deserve to be nice to ourselves. Take care.

  6. I am so sorry that you’re having such a shitty time right now my friend. I know those dark times well, and although it can’t make things better, please know you’re not alone. Loss anniversaries of any kind are hard; be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you and your mom, and sending so much love your way.

  7. This is a tough time. Know that we’re all here to listen so you can let some of that out… and bang away with that hammer. Sometimes, physical expression of pain is needed.

  8. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. It must be absolutely and completely devastating, and I am so sorry you have to experience it. I, personally, don’t need to hear about the good things in light of how much grief and pain you are experiencing. I can sit with you in this space for as long as you need. Take your time.

  9. I hate those days when it seems like the entire universe is pitted against you and everything is going wrong. They always seem to come when you’re already in a bad mood and feel like you can’t handle anything else. I know how you feel and I really hope things start turning around for you guys.

  10. I know how shitty and unfair odds can be. I know how hard it can be to pick yourself up after a failure at something that SHOULD HAVE WORKED. You deserve things to go so differently than they have. Life can be so unfair and cruel, can’t it? For me, I find great comfort in knowing I’m not alone, just as you are not alone. Do you ever watch comedy? I have found comedy (both live stand up, and videos) have helped me get through some of the funk. Particularly Louis CK.

    • Love Louis CK. I’ve been watching a lot of TV to distract myself and have been reading Mindy Kaling’s book. It’s a good distraction, and it feels good to laugh every now and then.

  11. Thinking of you during the loss anniversary of your mother, that is hard in itself. Add a recently failed cycle and it’s no wonder you are in this place right now. Those moments where you just want to scream at the world, or something or someone because everything is just crashing down on you – I have been there too, you are not alone. Hugs.

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