The thing that I thought would make me feel better…but didn’t.

I’ve had some really good days in the past couple of weeks.  Hubby has even commented that it’s so nice to see me happy and smiling again.  But I smiled with a secret twinkle in my eye.  Because the reason I was feeling so happy was that I had a plan.  A way to get back on the IVF crazy-train and try again.

I was composing a list of questions in my head.  Questions that I was planning to unload on whoever answered the phone when I called the number on the fertility financing brochure our clinic had given us.  Questions that I was sure would be answered in a way that would allow us to proceed with a fresh cycle by the start of my next period.

So when I came home from work on Wednesday, I called.  I had my list of questions, which I checked off, one by one, as the helpful woman on the other end of the line provided me the answers.  Like, that if we did PGS again, we wouldn’t qualify for the refund guarantee.  Which we wouldn’t qualify for anyway, unless we bought a package of three fresh and three frozen cycles.  At the bargain price of $30,000.  Not including ICSI.  Or meds.

Needless to say, when I hung up the phone, I was not feeling my new, chipper self of the previous days.  I was back to low spirits and low expectations.  I was back to doubting we’d ever get another shot at this.

The next day, I called Hubby during a lull in my work day.  He’d come up with a plan of his own.  Which involved flying to his home country, begging his family for money, and interviewing for jobs while he was there.  That’s still his plan.  And, as much as I’m trying to get on board, it doesn’t exactly sound like how I want to spend a two-week “vacation,” especially knowing that his family could give us more money, and it still wouldn’t guarantee his dad another grandchild.

Other options?  Well, they all involve moving to another country.  It seems a little unfair that the best way for us to afford another round of IVF is to MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

Of course, that also requires international shipment of Hubby’s spermsicles.

I don’t know how, but we’ll figure it out.  This is my new mantra.  We’ll figure it out.  We’ll figure it out.  We’ll figure it the fuck out.

Because what other choice do we have.

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18 thoughts on “The thing that I thought would make me feel better…but didn’t.

  1. You will figure it the fuck out, lady. You are bossy enough to get what you want! And organised enough… a list of questions? I bet you even have files. At home. For domestic stuff. And you strike me as a colour-coding person. You will figure it the fuck out.

  2. It makes me angrier than I can tell you that people in your circumstances, by the accident of birth in an otherwise rich and civilized country, have to remortgage the fucking house to have the possibility of children. That you even have to consider these questions when you should be focussing on other stuff. Gggrrr…just so angry on your behalf Daryl!!

    Having said that, I know you’ll figure it out, because you guys are awesome. I keep telling my husband the same thing: we’ll figure it out. Love to you lady.

  3. Oh i hate all the red tape of those refund programs. We considered one too but not only did you have to pay about what you said for those three cycles (ours didn’t include meds or pre cycle testing) you HAD to go in the the following order: fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen, fresh, frozen. And if you happened to not have any to freeze? Sorry. If you had plenty and wanted to do two frozen? Sorry only one and then its back to fresh. Bullshit.
    Can you guys take a vacation to his home country just for the IVF cycle? That way you could avoid moving there? We considered doing an IVF vacation as well bc the cost of the cycle AND the vacation was the same as the cost of a cycle here. Ridiculous.

    • What!? That is just ridiculous. Why on earth would they have you go through another fresh cycle if you get frozen embryos to work with. Just crazy. *shaking my head in disbelief*

    • We’ve considered that, too, but then we still have the whole logistics nightmare of getting his sperm to wherever we’re going.

      The other thing about the package deals is if it does happen to work on the first try? You’re still out $30,000+ and you don’t get to use any of those remaining cycles for a try at a second child. Ridiculous is right.

      • Can you both go together for a few weeks? Then his sperm is traveling with you 🙂

        Yeah I did the math on the money lost/gained depending on where in the process you became successful when we were thinking about it. I can find it if you’re interested in seeing the ridiculousness on paper :p

      • The problem is he’s back on testosterone injections, and as far as we know, the only sperm we’ll ever have is frozen at our local clinic.

  4. Oh Daryl, I hate that it have to be so freaking difficult for you. No one should be forced out of the country by this, even if it would be temporary. Keep looking for ways and you will figure it out. Somehow. Sending hugs.

  5. You will figure this out! Like you have said, this whole thing is a series of ups and downs – right now is a down, but you have plans and options and will make it work. You’re not out of the game. (Or off the infertility crazy train, but at least you have good company on the ride 🙂 ) . Hang in there!

  6. PS-speaking of the infertility crazy train, how awesome would it be to rent a train car and do an actual “infertility crazy train” trip? We could all sit around and share the stupidest/smartest/best/worst infertility advice we’ve received. (Mine would be when my grandma told me to take a vacation, because apparently having sex on vacation means you’ll magically reverse three years of infertility.) I feel like it would be cathartic. And hilarious.

  7. Sometimes the best road is the one we didn’t consider to be optimal at the time. You’re absolutely right: you will figure this out. It’s just a matter of focusing on the one thing you want and proceeding regardless of how scary the conditions may seem.

    Hang in there. The period of planning is always hard, but you have faith you guys will come up with a solid plan.

  8. Oh, I made that exact same phone call after my failed 2nd IVF. Those plans are so scary to me, though I think they make sense in certain circumstances. I know you guys will come up with the best plan for the two of you. I love ladyblogalot’s mantra up there. Maybe you should print that one out and use it for inspiration…

  9. We’re 100% out of pocket too. It just adds insult to injury. Especially because if I lived 6 hours away across the border in Quebec, I’d be covered for three cycles. Almost makes me want to move myself, so I understand your dilemma. You will figure something out. You are a smart person with a lot of drive to get what you want!

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