Confrontation

Y’all are way too kind.

The comments on my last post were totally undeserved.  It’s not courage that led me to pick up the phone and grit my teeth through a stilted conversation with my former friend.  It’s my spineless fear of confrontation.

But it’s coming.  I feel like it has to.  If she’s going to continue to insist on pursuing this friendship, eventually it’s going to have to come out that the way she blindsided me with her pregnancy announcement was not cool.

I’ve never been one to embrace confrontation.  More like avoid it at all costs.  When the mean kids at school (themselves victims of bullying at one point in their lives, I’m sure) decided to pick on the quiet, nerdy girl with the home perm?  I lowered my eyes and did my best to disappear.  When parents tell me their insane plans to skyrocket their child’s development (“I just spent $300 on Your Baby Can Read.  Do you think it’ll work?”), I do my best to answer diplomatically, instead of bluntly telling them they’ve wasted their  money.

All the while, my brain is a pressure cooker.  And if a valve bursts?  Watch out.  Because if you happen to get on my bad side on a day when I’ve already kept too many feelings bottled up, you’re about to be at the wrong end of an explosion.

But I don’t want to do that to D.  Especially since more than a month has passed since her news, and if I was going to bitch about it, I probably should have done it then.  I have to figure out a way to release this pressure in a slow leak, rather than complete annihilation.

So today, with Dr. N, I discussed writing down everything I want to say to her and either sending it to her in a letter or reading it to her over the phone.

And, believe me, there is soooo much I want to say.

We also discussed whether I would be doing this to end the friendship or try to salvage it.  I still don’t know the answer to this one.  Something tells me there’s nothing I can do to change her attitude or her responses to the worst fucking thing in my life right now.  And I’m not sure I have the energy to try.

***

In other confronting-my-feelings news, despite my insincere attempts at keeping my expectations realistic for this potentially-last-cycle-with-any-chance-of-residual-sperm, my twisted mind and hopeful heart have convinced me that I am totally pregnant…based on nothing but our valiant attempts at well-timed (yet somehow still fun!) sex.  Doesn’t it always work on the very last chance?

Not that it matters.  I’m expecting my period this weekend, and the spotting has already started.  Bring it on, I guess, so I can plan for starting BCPs in June!  (Assuming, of course, we scrape together tens of thousands of dollars by then.)

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8 thoughts on “Confrontation

  1. I can completely relate. As much as I may disagree with someone, a lot of times I don’t speak my mind. Mostly because it’s not worth spending the energy, but other times because I know that the fallout is goin to be so awful.

    I think writing all of your feelings down is wise. It gives you a chance to really reflect on what you want to say and how you want to say it. I also think you’re therapist is dead on with having you figure out if this is you ending the friendship or salvaging it. Neither is easy and it may not come to you immediately, but I think once you have a clear idea the conversation will come naturally at that point.

    I do have one final thought regarding D and in no way is it meant to guilt you into doing something. But based on her recent actions, I wonder how many people have cut her out of their lives recently? Train wreaks are draining to have in one’s life and she has some serious emotional issues that needed to be addressed years ago. Hence you speaking up about how awful and selfish she’s been to you could be a very good thing for her as I suspect she’s been hearing a very similar message from others. Maybe it’s the “straw” she needs to finally make some necessary changes?

  2. If you do happen to explode at her rather than leak slowly, I’m all for it. You are the one here doing all the hard work to try and do the right thing, and she’s not even trying to do the right thing. Sometimes a big explosion feels pretty good, too. There’s a little bit of guilt there… but…. you deserve to have a big explosion every now and then. Nobody is perfect.

  3. Yup. As much as I whine, bitch, moan and snark on my blog, I SUUUUUCK at confrontation. I’m such a people pleaser, even the littlest complaint is tough to get passed my lips. I’ve had to let some friendships go over the years… Someone once told me “there are friends of the moment, friends of the season, and friends for a lifetime.” the idea being that if a “moment” or “season” friendship is at its end its not BAD, it’s just that you are moving on in your lives. I’m such a nostalgic sap I try to hold on too long, so this helps me stop and evaluate. I wish you luck in figuring out where to go with your friend!

    And I will be praying for your cycle! No minute like the last minute! (And cudos to you for keeping the sex enjoyable! Infertility has basically ruined our sex life, even a year after conception. I don’t know when, or if, it will ever be fun again)

  4. I can totally relate…I have basically distanced myself from a friend over the past 10 months and I really don’t know what to do to bridge the gap. Ignoring the problem is not working (surprise!). And I still totally wish for you be the person who gets a BFP the cycle before IVF. Having been through it once…I wanted to be that girl too. Best wishes.

  5. I totally suck at confrontation, too. I think the problem is that I can plan what I want to say all I want, but what you can’t predict is how the other person will respond. They may take it well, or they may interrupt you, become defensive or rude, or burst into tears and suddenly turn everything around, making it all about them. I think writing a letter is the way to go- you can get your feelings out uninterrupted, and the other person can take some time to think before responding. Though you and your therapist are right- you definitely need to have a full understanding of what the goal of the letter is. Good luck… I hate doing this stuff.

    Best of luck to you on your next cycle… I will keep you in my thoughts, praying for the money tree to start growing in your yard, and for a nice, sticky BFP!

  6. I also share your “spineless fear of confrontation.” Man, I can talk (or write) a big game, but when it comes to face-to-face or on the phone moments, my tail goes right between my legs. With that in mind, I’m a fan of sending her a letter. I’m not sure you necessarily need to have an outcome for the friendship in mind when you write it. Write it to share your feelings about the incident and to try to explain where you are coming from going through IF. Tell her how her actions hurt you and why. If she somehow magically understands finally and she responds to you in a way that makes you want to stay friends with her, then go for it. And if she doesn’t get it and doesn’t respond in the way you need, then let her go. In the end, you need to let your feelings out, and she needs to understand (or at least be told) how her actions affect others.

  7. I avoid confrontation as well. I talk big to my friends about speaking my mind, but when the situation actually presents itself I seem to cave in or end up being way too diplomatic. Whatever you end up doing, it’s out of your comfort zone and that’s probably a good thing.

  8. Oh, stupid spotting. I spot too and it’s the worst ever because there’s always that “I spotted all the first 9 weeks” story out there to make you wonder.

    I think that writing stuff down is good, though the thing about writing is there’s no interaction, no way to clarify what you mean in the moment. Maybe write it down, then call? I don’t know. Typically, if people piss me off, I just don’t talk to them for months until I forget I was mad in the first place. Not healthy, I know.

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