Retrieval #2

First of all, thank you for all your kind words and well-wishes.  I carried them with me into the clinic today.

Retrieval got off to a bumpy start this morning.  The anesthesiologist was running late, which delayed at least two procedures this morning, including mine.  They had initially told me it would be a delay of 20 minutes, but things didn’t get started until an hour after I was initially scheduled.  It happened to work out that that meant Hubby got to wait with me.  We thought I wouldn’t get to see him until after I woke up because he had to teach a class this morning, but he got there just as the nurse was putting an IV in my hand, and he waited with me until the anesthesiologist started hooking me up.

Apparently, they’ve changed procedures a bit since our last retrieval six months ago.  They no longer instruct patients to take Valium and Percocet before the procedure, which meant I was awake and alert until the real drugs started kicking in.  Last time, I was already feeling loopy by the time I entered the room.  Today, I could join in when Dr. C and the nurses were joking around and admiring my Wonder Woman socks.  Everything felt different.  I felt good.

And then I don’t remember anything.

Minutes later, still in deep sleep, I heard a number: eleven.  And I thought, that’s not right.  Dr. C said there would be more this time.  It must be a Propofol-induced hallucination.  Then I was out again.

The next thing I remember is Holly.  My lovely nurse Holly.  She was with me when I woke up, and Hubby entered the room a few minutes later.  They gave me saltines and Sprite.  Holly chatted with us while monitoring my vitals before disconnecting all the tubes and releasing my arm from the grip of the blood pressure cuff.  When she left the room, Hubby asked if they’d told me how many eggs we got.  I said no.

“Eleven,” he said, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“I thought Dr. C said we’d get more this time.”  I was confused.  That number couldn’t be right.

“I thought so, too.”

Later, Holly confirmed it.  Eleven eggs.

I have to admit, I’m disappointed.  This cycle was supposed to be different.  We were supposed to get better results, more eggs, more embryos.  Dr. C practically told us that’s what would happen.  I’ve been fighting tears all afternoon.  And losing.

You guys are going to think I’m being totally ungrateful, given that, a few months ago–even a few weeks ago–I wasn’t sure this second chance cycle would even be possible.  Given that I know many of you would kill for double-digit eggs from a single cycle.  To be able to use your own eggs at all.

But knowing how things turned out last time, how the numbers just kept dwindling, until we were left with only one good embryo, and even that one decided not to hang around, I’m sad.  Because it looks like we’re headed down the same path this time.

We’ll have to call in the morning to see how many of them fertilized.  We’re still planning on a day 3 transfer, but I don’t know if that will leave us any to freeze on day 5/6.

All the hope has drained out of me.


29 thoughts on “Retrieval #2

  1. here’s what I think: quality over quantity. You may have gotten the same number, but I’m crossing my fingers for much higher quality eggs. That’s what’s important, right? Hang in there! xoxo

    • The problem is, egg quality may have very little to do with it. It’s a sperm issue, and if the sperm isn’t good, the quality of the eggs won’t matter when they stop developing.

      • Right. But egg quality always plays a role. It is a factor, and it may increase your chances. Or in other words- I am refusing to be pessimistic. You need some optimism in your court so that’s my story and in sticking to it 🙂

      • We were in the same situation (MFI) and we got 16 eggs the first time and failed. Got 10 the next full cycle and I was devastated, but our doc kept saying they were better quality. Like you, I said, who cares, I’m not the problem. BUT that cycle gave me two children from 2 pregnancies – out of only 4 good embryos. Cycle 1 still has yet to give us a child, and we had 9 good embryos there (5 left) I’m going to go with better quality this time for you. 🙂

  2. I’m so sorry to hear it didn’t turn out as well as you had hoped. Go ahead and feel disappointed (and don’t feel guilty about it!! you’re allowed!). But I’m on board with your other lovlies, my friend. The number may be the same, but this says nothing of the quality. Hang in there. If you aren’t up for it, no biggie, I’ll do it for you. I’m going to continue to hold out hope that a good many of those 11 eggs are strong and well and ready to take on the world. xo!

  3. I’m so sorry it didn’t turn out as you had hoped. Feeling a sense of deja vu is certainly expected, under the circumstances, but I’m going to choose to be the annoying person with the sunny disposition- this is a whole new cycle, with new eggs, new sperm. It’s a brand new chance. History does not necessarily have to repeat itself. Breathe deeply, and take it one minute at a time. Good things do happen- I swear! Hugs to you…

  4. Every step of the way, it’s important to remind yourself that this time is not last time or any other time you’ve crossed any fertility-related bridge. This is a wholly new experience. Those 11 eggs may hold your THB. I know it’s hard, but try to hold out a little hope somewhere in your wounded heart for that possibility. When I got 6 eggs from my retrieval, I kept feeling like I was in a horrible nightmare and just needed to wake up. I know how disappointing it feels to start with “lower odds” this time. But odds are just another way of saying “luck,” and luck can be on your side THIS TIME. ❤

  5. Quality over quantity is what I’m hoping for you, but I’m sorry you’re disappointed! I’m sure I’d have a similar response, especially if I was expecting far more. Regardless, I’m sending all the positive energy I can muster to those 11 potential embryos!

  6. Oh Daryl.. remember every experience will be different…same number or not! I have been thinking of you and the success for this cycle.. Believe and feel the success if you can.. as difficult as this may be.

  7. You needn’t worry about sounding ungrateful. I would be disappointed too. BUT this does not mean that you are going to walk the same road as before. You just can’t know at this point. Those eggs could be great quality and they could meet with a few great quality sperm and the rest could be history, you know? As in, they could give you a baby. Or two. I’m still hopeful. SO hopeful for you! Hang in there.

  8. I know you’re disappointed, which is totally understandable, but don’t give up hope! I had 26 eggs my first cycle and 19 my second. I had 12 on the one that worked and only 6 of those suckers were mature. They could be 11 awesome eggs and one of them could meet just the right sperm. Hang in there!

  9. As disappointing as it is to only have 11 eggs, my thoughts are similar to Mo’s. Basically good quality eggs will set the stage for a better chance for fertilization and embryo development. Thus though I know this number isn’t what you were hoping for, I think you’re still dealing with a much better situation. In addition if its truly just an issue with the, having more eggs really isn’t going to matter.

    So, as hard as this is, your job is now to focus on those 11 embryos and to send them as much positive energy as you can. In addition, you are also prepping your body to receive them so that they have the best possible environment to implant and grow. I know it seems futile now, but this cycle isn’t over and you owe this to them. So hang in there and focus on recovering. Sending lots and lots of growing vibes your way.

  10. I’ve been checking in all day for your update. I’m so sorry you’re disappointed. It’s hard to put everything into these cycles and they not turn out the way you’d hope. Still, I’m so hopeful for you. 11 is a good solid number, and hopefully they are all awesome, kick ass, mature eggs.

  11. Being one of the people who would kill for double digit eggs, I don’t think you’re being ungrateful at all. We each have our own expectations for cycles, and when things don’t go as we’d hoped it’s always disappointing. But I echo a lot of the other commenters that every cycle is different and you don’t know what happened last time will happen again. I’m crossing everything as hard as I can for you. Hugs!

  12. I felt very similar with our first cycle, and going into retrieval on this one. But again, quality over quantity. I’ve actually read some interesting papers recently accusing RE’s of overprescribing fertility medications to inflate egg numbers so that cycles look good on paper, when the reality often is that more eggs = less quality(not always, but often). Either way, most women are only going to end up with a few good blasts. My cycle with the highest number of eggs actually netted us the fewest blasts, and ended with a chemical and a BFN. More is not always better, even when dealing with MFI. I am still hoping that somewhere in this mix, one good egg meets one good sperm, and a healthy baby comes out of it. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  13. I know your hopes are fading but don’t let your last experience influence your thinking this time round. I echo all the other lovlies- Quality over quantity every time. Coming from someone who gets 20+ follicles every time -and still no baby- I’d take 11 good eggs over 24 any day! it IS about quality. We’re all hoping for you my dear.

  14. Oh Daryl, it’s so exhausting to keep that hope up through it all, and you’re allowed to flag a bit, especially on what was such an emotional day anyway. If you don’t have it in you right now, we’ll hope for you. I’ll just echo the ladies above – quality not quantity. I’m sending my best growing vibes to those soon-to-be embies, and keeping everything crossed that they’re on their way to becoming your bab(ies) 🙂

  15. Don’t give up hope. Coming from someone using TESE retrieved sperm we started with 13 eggs both cycles. Our 1St cycle we had 4 embryos left on day 3 and only 2 were good enough to transfer both were A rated, that cycle failed. Our 2ND cycle we had 13 eggs and only 3 embryos on day 3. We had 2 A’s and a B we now have 1 beautiful little girl who is about to turn 1 in August. Both cycles were identical drug and retrieval wise And very similar elsewhere.

  16. I’m so sorry you didn’t get a higher number this time. I’m really praying that you’ll still get more embryos from this one. Hang in there!!

  17. I fully agree with what everyone else has said. Keep your chin up and we’ll think the positive thoughts for you right now. 😉
    Will they be doing ICSI? I know that is what helped us in the end.

    • We did ICSI. Hubby’s sperm count is so low, we really don’t have any other options. Plus, since we were considering doing genetic testing, we had to do ICSI anyway.

  18. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a good fertilization result and that you will have more embryos to work with this time. And that they are of better quality as well. I’m sorry for the disappointment, it’s such a numbers game, no need too explain it. I’m still hopeful for you guys.

  19. Sorry you didn’t get the results you hoped for but I am remaining hopeful that this will still be a good cycle for you. Every cycle is different and can’t be judged on what happened last time. Fingers crossed for a good fertilization report.

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