What Can I Say?

What can I say that hasn’t been said a thousand times and more eloquently than I can manage here?

That I’m struggling to stay positive when I have no symptoms that cannot be directly attributed to the hormones being injected nightly into my ass by my husband?  And probably won’t for weeks?

That I’m terrified this pregnancy is already over, less than a week after first seeing those two pink lines?

That I can’t sleep?  That I lie awake imagining all the horrific ways this pregnancy could end?

That I know too much?  That I have read too many blogs detailing the multitude of ways a pregnancy can end unhappily?

That I’ve looked at half a dozen prenatal yoga videos online but can’t bring myself to buy any of them, afraid they will only become a reminder of what I’ve already lost?

That someone–anyone–reading this will think I’m being overly dramatic, that I’m seeking attention and pity, that my fears aren’t real?

That I’ve told others worrying won’t change the outcome but am terrible at following my own advice?

That I would kill for some nausea right about now?

That I know negative thinking has gotten me nowhere in the past, but I can’t seem to help myself?

That I’m trying my best to hide these probably irrational fears for my husband’s sake?

That I’ve looked myself in the mirror and said, “Stop it.  Stopitstopitstopit.  You might as well be fucking happy while you can.  Just be fucking happy,” as if that would solve everything?

21 thoughts on “What Can I Say?

  1. I’m not quite sure what to say because I’m right there with you. But I will say this, I’m still totally thrilled for you and sending you all the positivity and calming energy that I can muster. It’s a weird place to be in: virtually symptom free, supposedly pregnant, and waiting. Like perhaps the weirdest (and scariest) ever.

  2. Hugs sweetie. I’ve been in your position more times than I care to count. I know there’s very little anyone can say or do to alleviate your fears. What always helped me was walking through the process… ok, so if the worst happened, then what? Well, I’d be sad and angry. Then what? I may scream and cry and hit a few things. Then what? Well, then I would slowly and painfully move on. But I WOULD move on. As would you. I have every faith that everything is going fine in there- your betas are strong. You have no reason to believe otherwise. BUT- if the worst did happen, you would carry on. I promise. Stay strong….

  3. I see it as a series of hoops to jump through. Each hoop is a little easier (meaning more likely you’ll make it). Maybe visually each hoop is bigger. My first tiny little hoop was a positive HPT. Then the next hoop is the first beta. You cleared that! Then your beta has to double. Bam. Made that hoop. Next is a heartbeat, then the first trimester, then an actual live baby! You’ve made it through the smallest hoops. Keep thinking of all the things that have gone right so far. So many things have gone right. It’s insane not to worry, but hang in there. I’m in the same spot as you so reading about your worries makes me feel normal! So complain away. Lol.

  4. For what it’s worth, I didn’t experience any symptoms until 8 weeks or so and I know many people who never had any of those first trimester symptoms at all. The first 12 weeks were some of the longest and most worrisome. Will my beta double? Will there be a heartbeat? What will happen when the PIO shots stop? Will the NT scan go ok? Will the blood tests come back normal? I don’t have any words of wisdom on how to get through it all. I’m cheering for you. You will get through this.

  5. Keep in mind that it is early and perfectly fine to feel nothing at all. Some women don’t experience any symptoms at all during the first trimester and still ended up being ok. Keep in mind also, that symptoms come and go. One day you may have breast tenderness and the next day be symptom-free. It’s all good!

  6. It’s so completely natural to be afraid after going through the hell of infertility. I felt just like you…until I could feel the baby move (like week 16?). From that moment on it was like my fears dissipated. Don’t feel guilty!!! You’re allowed to be scared. Good luck!!

  7. Is 8/9 6 weeks? I started getting severely sick two days before my first u/s. but of course I’m still sick at 30 weeks! Some people don’t get sick at all. You’re not complaining-it’s natural feelings for people in our situation. 🙂

  8. So late to this party–CONGRATS!!
    Symptoms are super personal, and I totally understand the feeling of worry when you don’t have the “right” ones. Let me tell you, though, that the only nausea I experienced was from my prenatal vitamins. Otherwise, nothing. Not a thing.
    Please try not to worry about not having symptoms. You’ve got great beta numbers and really, that’s all that matters at this point.

  9. I totally get this, and I’m right there with you. I can’t do much except virtually hold your hand and hope that everything continues to go well. Thinking of you and sending the warmest wishes for some reassuring symptoms to come your way!

  10. sometimes i think this is the one area where the blog world has done me harm. we’re exposed to the bad stuff. and to a greater degree than it occurs in the general public. of course, i have no consolation, because i have also scolded myself in the mirror this week. but. truthfully. when my rational brain is in control, i can tell myself (and you) that the greatest likelihood lies with this pregnancy progressing normally and that no symptoms at this stage is perfectly normal. thinking of you, friend. xo.

  11. It’s hard to take your own advice. And it could all end horribly or you could be one of the lucky ones. Neither is in your control. It helped me to remind myself that for today, I am pregnant. And try to find the moments of joy in case it was all taken away.

  12. Oh, I’ve been there, Daryl! These early days are so, SO hard, especially as an infertile I think because it is so hard to get to this point in the first place. You are not alone, though. Many are walking with you, and many, MANY have walked before you and many more will follow you. It’s easy to be optimistic for others and even easier to find a million things to worry about for yourself. But you just take it one day at a time. That’s the only advice I have. Deep breaths and try not to think too far ahead. Or to obsess over symptoms — because a lack of them really is quite normal! I’m proof. Wishing you strength, peace, and a speedy few days until your first u/s!

  13. Let yourself off the hook. You are pregnant after the life infertile, and it’s normal to be this afraid. I was afraid every damn minute until I heard them cry. It won’t ever completely go away because you’re right – you do know too much. But there will come a time when the fear moves to the back of your head instead of the front. For now, enjoy a happy thought when it comes, accept the negative ones when they’re there, and don’t buy anything until you feel ok doing it. I’d bet good money there are prenatal yoga videos on YouTube.

  14. I know your fear, I had it too and scarily it became stronger the longer the pregnancy lasted. All I can say is one day at a time, one hoop at a time. I went for more betas to help keep me sane until scan day. So had beta #1 on 13dp Ovulation, then 15dpO, then, 17dpO then 24dpO. It helped with my crazies a LOT. BTW stay away from the sticks because your beta reaches a stage where it levels off and the sticks can start giving you false negatives. I had a friend have a negative stick on the day of her scan at 7 weeks pregnant.

    On the nausea front I also longed for it to arrive as a reassurance, but don’t worry if it doesn’t, mine started quite late but when it set in it overwhelmed me. As for the sore bo.obs they can come and go so they are no predictor either. In other words what I am saying is that all those ‘symptoms’ cannot be relied on to be a good predictor of how the pregnancy is going.

    Hold onto the hope that while things can go wrong there is actually a better chance of you carrying a healthy baby to full term than of any other outcome. Easy to say, not so easy to do, but try to do that.

    As for buying things I couldn’t do that until I had seen our heartbeats and even then it was a very big and scary step for me.

    Also maybe try out my chant “I will hold my healthy baby(ies) in my arms in less than 8 months” I repeated this to myself over and over and over when the crazies got strong.

  15. Wish you could be blissfully, ignorantly happy. But, maybe, you can settle for just moments where you can be happy without the fear? Good luck…pregnancy itself is frightening enough without the added fear from history. Sending good thoughts your way!

  16. Hello! A belated congratulations! And, also, this is normal. At least this was my experience. Knowing that your worry won’t change things doesn’t help, but it does get easier with each day, week, month that goes by. I promise. Not that there aren’t still hard times in there, but it does get easier. Hang in there. You can do this. You are a strong lady.

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