*Whiny, angsty, pregnancy-related post ahead. Read at your own discretion.*
Hubby asked me last week if, since I’m now pregnant, I was going to stop going to therapy. Because being pregnant is the cure to my crazy? Ha!
During yesterday’s session, I was going on and on and getting myself all worked up over the many ways I’ve already convinced myself this pregnancy is over. Which is stupid, I went on, because I have no proof either way. And it’s killing me.
After last week, there have been no more betas, no more pee sticks, nothing to tell me how this pregnancy is progressing. And, obviously, it’s making me crazy.
Dr. N could see how anxious I was getting and stopped me mid-sentence to talk me through some breathing exercises and yet more visualizations. I told her I wasn’t like this all the time. That sitting there talking about all the moments of anxiety I’ve had, all at once, made it seem worse than it really was. She said I was visibly calmer by the time I left, but last night put that to the test.
I woke for my usual 4 am pee. I checked the toilet paper, as I’ve become accustomed to do, and even in the dark I could tell there was something there. My breathing started to quicken. I got up to turn on the light, used toilet paper still in hand, and confirmed that there was indeed some light brown spotting. Nurse M told me last week this was perfectly normal, along with some cramping, at this stage. I flushed, and while I washed my hands, repeated to myself in the mirror, “This is normal. This is normal. This is totally normal.”
I went back to bed, but of course couldn’t immediately get back to sleep. The heart palpitations didn’t help, although I’m not sure if they were caused by my new medication or the panic I was feeling. I tried to focus on my breathing, as I’d just practiced with Dr. N, but it wasn’t easy. I tried to visualize seeing a heartbeat at our first ultrasound next week. I tried to push out the visions of blood. I tried to remind myself the cramps I was now feeling were because baby was snuggling in, not being evicted.
It took a long time, but I finally fell asleep. I didn’t sleep well, but I slept some. And when I woke from dreaming of trickles of blood, I got out of bed.
I had intended to sleep in today, to enjoy a long, leisurely morning before going into work late. Instead I’ve spent it consulting Dr. Google and spewing my crazy to my husband.
What I’m trying to do is view this incident as the proof I’ve been wanting. The sign that there is still something happening in my uterus. That it’s making room for a growing embryo. The fear still sneaks in, but I’m trying my hardest to fight it off. i don’t want to spend the next week+ in a stew of my own anxiety. I want to enjoy talking about and thinking about being pregnant. About the possibility of welcoming a baby to our family in April.
I am 5 weeks today. I still have a long way to go.