Proof

*Whiny, angsty, pregnancy-related post ahead.  Read at your own discretion.*

Hubby asked me last week if, since I’m now pregnant, I was going to stop going to therapy.  Because being pregnant is the cure to my crazy?  Ha!

During yesterday’s session, I was going on and on and getting myself all worked up over the many ways I’ve already convinced myself this pregnancy is over.  Which is stupid, I went on, because I have no proof either way.  And it’s killing me.

After last week, there have been no more betas, no more pee sticks, nothing to tell me how this pregnancy is progressing.  And, obviously, it’s making me crazy.

Dr. N could see how anxious I was getting and stopped me mid-sentence to talk me through some breathing exercises and yet more visualizations.  I told her I wasn’t like this all the time.  That sitting there talking about all the moments of anxiety I’ve had, all at once, made it seem worse than it really was.  She said I was visibly calmer by the time I left, but last night put that to the test.

I woke for my usual 4 am pee.  I checked the toilet paper, as I’ve become accustomed to do, and even in the dark I could tell there was something there.  My breathing started to quicken.  I got up to turn on the light, used toilet paper still in hand, and confirmed that there was indeed some light brown spotting.  Nurse M told me last week this was perfectly normal, along with some cramping, at this stage.  I flushed, and while I washed my hands, repeated to myself in the mirror, “This is normal.  This is normal.  This is totally normal.”

I went back to bed, but of course couldn’t immediately get back to sleep.  The heart palpitations didn’t help, although I’m not sure if they were caused by my new medication or the panic I was feeling.  I tried to focus on my breathing, as I’d just practiced with Dr. N, but it wasn’t easy.  I tried to visualize seeing a heartbeat at our first ultrasound next week.  I tried to push out the visions of blood.  I tried to remind myself the cramps I was now feeling were because baby was snuggling in, not being evicted.

It took a long time, but I finally fell asleep.  I didn’t sleep well, but I slept some.  And when I woke from dreaming of trickles of blood, I got out of bed.

I had intended to sleep in today, to enjoy a long, leisurely morning before going into work late.  Instead I’ve spent it consulting Dr. Google and spewing my crazy to my husband.

What I’m trying to do is view this incident as the proof I’ve been wanting.  The sign that there is still something happening in my uterus.  That it’s making room for a growing embryo.  The fear still sneaks in, but I’m trying my hardest to fight it off.  i don’t want to spend the next week+ in a stew of my own anxiety.  I want to enjoy talking about and thinking about being pregnant.  About the possibility of welcoming a baby to our family in April.

I am 5 weeks today.  I still have a long way to go.

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17 thoughts on “Proof

  1. Following your journey. Pregnancy is full of scary symptoms that are in both successful pregnancies and not-so-successful ones. It’s kind of like the symptoms of pregnancy in the first place – they can also be the symptoms of impending menstruation. Hang in there! Love the honesty of your blog.

  2. Hang in there. I had brown spotting at 12weeks. Turned out to be a pool of blood behind the placenta from implantation. It lasted two long weeks. It doesn’t get easier for those on our journey, sorry. I think keeping up with therapy is a great idea. Set small goals for yourself-it helps. I’m 30 weeks and I’m on two week goals. I have to laugh because I had a thought the other day of “oh when they are here I can finally relax” and then I remembered there’s a whole other set of worries that will appear. One day at a time.
    🙂

  3. Oh man, sounds like you had a HORRIBLE night. Congrats on being 5 weeks though! It’s a small milestone, but still. As always I’m sending you all the positivity I can muster. Hoping you (we) can find ways to distract yourself, OTHER than obsessive googling and message board reading, between now and the scan.

  4. From all I’ve read and been told, brown spotting is usually okay. It often has a much better outcome than red spotting (though that can be okay too!). I know seeing anything there is frightening, but it sounds like you’re handling it the best you can. It won’t be long until that u/s. Hang in there, friend.

  5. You’ll make it. I think after all you’ve gone through, you can probably do anything. And I’ll keep praying for you through your pregnancy. It will be so exciting next week at your ultrasound.

  6. Hi, I’ve been lurking for a while but wanted to come out because I have oodles of spotting experience! I’ve had spotting with both of my hard earned, but perfectly healthy pregnancies. Lots of spotting. For no apparent reason. I know that won’t make the anxiety go away, but maybe it will help for a few minutes. And I was a total wreck until at least 20 wks with both of my pregnancies but after that things calmed down a bit. Feeling baby move was so reassuring to me. Anyway, sending peaceful thoughts your way. Just remember how worth it all the stress is in the end. Today, you’re pregnant!!!

  7. *hugs* you know logically it’s probably nothing, but I know from experience that means NOTHING to an anxious expectant mama. I am praying for you!

  8. Don’t be negative dont let such thoughts come in ur mind … Be positive think how u are 5 weeks preg when there was no chance…staying positive is necessary for u n ur well being … If you have won the battle till now u will surely win the war girl stay positive n happy ….

  9. Of course you’re freaking out. We all do during early pregnancy. It’s totally normal. And it’s so hard to get through. Whatever you need to do to make it through, DO IT.

    I have to say, I got a doppler around 8 weeks and the thing kept me sane like nothing I’ve ever invested in before. I know they can be a double edge sword, especially since sometimes it’s hard to find the heartbeat, but I ALWAYS found using it brought piece of mind. Just something to consider for a month or so from now… 😉

  10. Very scary! If it helps I had pink spotting (nearly scared the life out of me) and I still gave birth to two healthy babies at full term. The spotting really can be normal and brown is fine.

    I second the Doppler, but you will not be able to find a heartbeat yet. They normally say around 12 weeks you will find the heartbeat, but I found them at 10. But that Doppler saved my sanity repeatedly.

  11. Hugs and hang in there! I had some brown spotting right around this time too. Thankfully it wasn’t anything more than one or two pee trips and then nothing more with a healthy baby at the end. Wishing the same for you!

  12. It is hard to stay calm, and I’d say this fear is normal, especially when being through so much and been waiting for so long to get here. Deep breaths, some distractions and whatever else to make it through until the first scan.

  13. I know that dark smudge in the dark panic is horrible, but it does NOT mean the end Chica! I had every color of bleeding, and spots all the way to clots. I know it’s so hard, but keep chugging along with those positive visualizations. You could also call the doctor’s office because, even though you know they’ll say it’s normal, it might still help to hear it. I had spotting 2 hours after I got my BFP, and freaked out until I talked to my beloved Nurse A who said, “That doesn’t worry me even one little bit!” It helped hearing it from someone’s mouth who sees this stuff every day. Sending you positive thoughts constantly girl!

  14. Ugh. Reading this brought back memories for me. And you know what? In the dark, in the middle of the night, I STILL peer at the toilet paper. Sigh. But you have to find a way to live with it and not let it consume you.

    Let me just say, I am a psychologist, and I never paid enough attention to the effects of pregnancy on mental health. I could have definitely used some therapy in the first trimester. If only I had had enough energy to find someone to talk to. Ha.

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