*Pregnancy-related post. Read at your own discretion.*
I haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of nights, I think, because I’ve got all the details swimming around in my head, disrupting the peace and quiet and, despite my exhaustion, keeping me awake. So I’m going to spew them all out here, hoping the purge results in a more restful night.
Friday’s appointment was emotional, to say the least. It’s all kind of a blur. I was very nervous going in, and when Dr. C asked how I was, I couldn’t even form a sentence, though I think that got the point across. He wasted no time (thank goodness) and was soon showing us the sac with our baby inside of it. Hubby asked him to double-check that there was only one (poor thing wants twins so badly!), and once it was confirmed, Dr. C asked me to stay still so we could listen to the heartbeat. I couldn’t believe that whoosh whoosh whoosh was coming from inside of me, and groped for Hubby’s hand, while not taking my eyes off the screen.
There was much said about how long we’d waited for this. Dr. C used the term “knocked up” once or twice and reassured us that from this point on, the chance of miscarriage was very low. He said I could come for an ultrasound every week until
they kicked us out I “graduated” at about 10 weeks, and he gave me a recommendation for an OB. The word “finally” was used a lot, and Dr. C encouraged me to “go online and tell your story.” “Yeah, I’ve been doing that for about a year and a half already.” What he really meant was that I should write a testimonial for their web site. Which I may do, at some point in the future, assuming this little one is born healthy. He thanked us for giving him another shot at getting us to this point.
We now have those first ultrasound pics on our fridge. Yesterday, we went to the farmers’ market, and I convinced Hubby that I had to have this:
When he tried to reason that it was too early to buy anything just yet, I countered with, “But don’t you want me to be happy and confident about this pregnancy? I thought you were so sure this was going to work.” Oh, and I also had to assure him that this would be it for a while, that I’m not planning on filling our already crowded house with baby things at this point.
Then, yesterday afternoon, the clinic called, saying they’d gotten my labs. Apparently my body is doing something it’s supposed to because I was told to stop Estrace and decrease the PIO from 1 cc to 1/2 cc each night.
All of this is good news, right? So why can’t I sleep? Maybe because, deep down, I feel like this is all over-compensation for the fact that I’m really not all that confident. That there’s still a big part of me that doubts this baby is really going to stick around. That I know, despite Dr. C’s reassurances, that miscarriages do happen after 6 weeks, after hearing a heartbeat.
Or maybe…maybe I’m finally feeling excited about this pregnancy. Maybe I don’t want to sleep it all away (because, holy hell, I just want to sleep all. the. time.). Maybe this really is happening, and I don’t want to miss it. I can choose to believe that, right? I can choose to be happy. I never used to believe it was that easy, but today, I choose to be happy.