Ultrasound #3

I’ve been trying to write this post since yesterday.  I don’t even know where to begin, and I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts in order.  I guess, with that opening, I should start by saying everything appears to be fine.  No impending doom to report.

Try telling that to my continued anxiety.  At therapy on Thursday, Dr. N tried to convince me that there will always be something to worry about, but it doesn’t do me any good to indulge in those worries.  We discussed–again–strategies to help keep my fears in check: reframing negative thoughts, healthy distraction, one-mindfulness.  All of which can work, to a point, but these thoughts just keep coming back.

Then she asked if I worried every day that Hubby would die in a car accident.  I admitted that, no, I don’t, but I do worry that when he goes out for a bike ride by himself, he won’t come back.  She didn’t want to touch that one.

I know this anxiety is getting me nowhere, is only taking away from the happiness I could be feeling about this pregnancy.  To be fair, it’s not present every second.  Hubby and I are able to discuss names, speculate on whether it’s a boy or a girl, and look forward to my first OB appointment next month.  But the anxiety is there a lot, and I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn it off.  I know it’s not that easy.  It takes a lot of work, and I have to do it myself.

I do try to turn these thoughts on their heads when they come up.  If I imagine myself suddenly bleeding, I try to remind myself that I’ve had no indication that anything is wrong, that the symptoms I do have–mostly constipation and fatigue–are constant and a good sign that things are progressing as they should.

And then there are the ultrasounds.  The first one was a huge relief.  Hearing and seeing that little flicker of a heartbeat did wonders to calm me–for a few days.  On the second one, i could see that the baby had grown, and the heartbeat was even faster.

Then there was yesterday’s ultrasound.  The baby was measuring 1-2 days ahead (depending on who you ask) at 8w3d.  19.22 mm.  And the heart was beating away.  it sounded faster than last week, but when I asked, the heart rate was only 123 bpm, which seemed low to me.  I asked about this, but Dr. T (Dr. C is on vacation) assured me that anything above 110 was fine.

I’m trying to take his words to heart.  I’m trying to believe this isn’t the first sign that this baby is dying a slow death.  But it is so, so, so hard.  I want to stop worrying, but I can’t seem to manage it.  I want to focus on the positives.  I want to finally write something in the pregnancy journal I bought.  I want to be carefree and happy and make jokes.

Which leads me to a little game I like to call Poop Or Baby?  I feel huge, but I’m pretty sure I’m not showing already.  The IVF bloat has turned into pregnancy bloat, and I’m afraid certain people at work, who knew we were cycling, have viewed this as evidence that it worked (which, I guess, it is, but not in the way they might be thinking).  Let’s see how the points stack up:

    1. I’m up 1-2 pounds since the start of IVF #2.  I may be eating slightly more, or at least on a different schedule, but this point has to go to poop.  This is totally gross, but I once weighed myself before and after throne-sitting, after having gone a few days without pooping at all, and I lost 1.4 pounds.  Ew.
    2. I am wearing IVF-bloat and/or stretchy pants exclusively.  None of my other pants will fit over this belly.  That’s no baby bump.  I’m sure part of it is gas, but poop wins this point, too.
    3. Upset stomach.  No, it’s not nausea.  It’s….lower.  Point to poop.  Again.

Sorry, baby.  Maybe next trimester.

See?  I feel better already.  Now if Hubby would just get back from his death-ride, we could get back to our favorite healthy distraction–movie night on the couch.  Which is about all the excitement this tuckered-out lady can handle.

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11 thoughts on “Ultrasound #3

  1. You crack me up. I am sorry you are so worried about your little one, but I can’t blame you. Glad you’re trying to turn those fears upside down when you can.
    I’m sure DH would be jealous of your man’s “death rides,” though. I’ve caught him staring wistfully at his bike a time or two. Poor thing. At least that’s one less thing for me to worry about.

  2. I understand your worries all too well, but am thrilled to hear that based on your ultrasounds all is well! It really IS exciting and I truly hope that you (we) can relish those moments where you’re able to let go of the worry. Personally, I’m trying to cling to those even if 75% of the time I’m unsure and anxious. As for the poop problems, you are hilar! Next time you should include measurements (I kid, I kid).

  3. I so understand the anxiety! I never felt much relief from it after my early ultrasounds either. And I’d like to tell you that it goes away…but I can’t. Because it hasn’t. At least not for me. Instead, I’ve learned to manage it, but that has taken about 34 weeks of practice. All I can say is take one day at a time as much as you can and embrace the happy moments because these days really are all too fleeting. Hang in there, sweet friend.

  4. Oh the anxiety. I totally understand. And I also wish I could tell you it gets better but I can’t, at least not from my own experience. It’s always really hard but hopefully you’ll learn to manage it. I (kinda, sorta) have.

    I’m so glad all looks well. I truly hope things continue to progress without issue.

  5. Ah, Daryl. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this anxiety, but I think it’s totally understandable. Try not to be hard on yourself for feeling that sometimes (a lot); it’s not taking away from your happiness, because you’d never be that blissfully ignorant, stupidly ‘happy’ pregnant lady anyway. Instead, it’s a mark of how fiercely you love that baby of yours already: as scary as that is, it’s also pretty awesome and amazing, no?

    Otherwise, poop vs. baby and watching movies on the couch seem like healthy coping mechanisms to me! Sending you hugs.

  6. I really think that the anxiety will lessen as time goes on. Be kind to yourself – this is all brand new! It’s scary, because you want it so much, and you know all the ways things can go wrong. But just because they can, doesn’t mean they will.

    As for the poop – oy vey. I have had the worst constipation, for the first time in my life, this go round. Not one pair of my pants fits. Despite dragging my heels, I did let Mo buy me one pair of maternity pants, just so that I could have something besides dresses to wear. It’s taken several weeks, and some horrible bathroom sessions, for me to find something that helps. I am currently taking 2-3 stool softeners every day (generic colace) and 1 capful of Miralax (also generic) every afternoon. (My ob approved both). I’m eating tons of fiber and drinking lots of water, also. I finally had a normal bm yesterday. I know how uncomfortable and miserable it is. Sending hugs and hope for some relief soon!

  7. I was super bloated with all of my pregnancies, but most of all, with the one that succeeded. It’s a good sign!

    I am a very anxious person naturally, and having had one successful pregnancy, I can attest to the fact that there will come a time when you just can’t worry anymore. You’re too tired, and just plain sick of feeling that way. It will happen. But I know there’s nothing I can say to make it happen- there’s no logic that can take away your (perfectly understandable) fears. Just hang in there. It will get better…

  8. Girl, I’d like to say the anxiety and worry go away, but I can’t. It will get better, though. It will happen gradually without you really noticing. One day, you will say something or think something without the qualifier, “if it works out.” You won’t notice it at the time, but a few minutes or hours later, you will realize, “Hey, I said something like a normal pregnant woman.” Inevitably, you will try to make-up for this normalcy because it scares you by over-worrying that you’ve “jinxed” it. Eventually, though, it will happen more and more, and you will notice the normal moments a little less. The worry will never go away completely, though. Hopefully you will be lucky enough to experience a normal pregnancy that doesn’t add to the anxiety. Just as a note, our babies heart rates varied during my pregnancy, and they turned out fine. We had one that low after having higher ones. Try not to get too caught up in the numbers ( easier said than done, I know! ). Especially the measurements – ultrasound measurements are not all that accurate. They told me the afternoon the girls were born that they were A POUND heavier than they were when they came out a few hours later, and that was with the really high-tech machine! And on the you’re-not-crazy note, I worry that Hubby will die in a car crash every time he goes somewhere. Well, either you’re not crazy, or we both are, so at the very least, you’re not alone.

  9. Your doc is right – there IS always something new to worry about, unfortunately. And I think the infertility history just makes it worse. I just tried to limit the worrying the best I could. HUGS

  10. I’ve played Poop Or Baby. “Are those implantation cramps? Or do I just have to go poop?” Seems like poop wins a lot in this game. Glad things with baby are still going well!

  11. LOL ahh the poop issues of early pregnancy, what a lovely thing. Glad to hear your little one is doing well! This is the hardest time for me, with no way to reassure yourself between appointments. Hang in there!

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