It’s 10/10 today.  it would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday.  The first one I would have been able to give her the only present she ever wanted.  But she’s not here, and today of all days, I’m painfully aware of it.

It’s been a strange day.  My friend, D, gave birth to a baby girl this morning at 35 weeks.  I haven’t heard any specifics, health-wise, but she’s texted pictures of her holding the baby with her 6-year-old standing next to her, so i assume all is well.

My work friend, J, has been out all week, spending the last precious days with her dying father.  She was back at work today, afraid to use up all her PTO, and we talked about death, the aftermath, and coping.  I teared up telling her I really wished my mom was still with us on days like today.

And I’m sure I’ll want that even more the day this child is born.  And during the weeks following, when my mother would have come to stay, to help me with the baby and keep my house in order.

My mom knew all along about our infertility and the road we’d likely have to take to build our family.  She used to ask when?   When would Hubby get a job?  When would we be able to begin treatment?  When would she finally be able to hold another grandbaby in her arms?

I didn’t have answers for her then.  We were still years away from IVF when she passed away three and a half years ago.  Because of the expense.  Because Hubby was unemployed.  Because we were expecting to be uprooted at any time, ready for the next adventure.

That adventure begins soon.  First Hubby’s new job, in a new city, in a whole new country.  Then, a few months later, the greatest adventure of all.

And I hate that she’s not here to witness any of it.  All she saw of our life together was the struggle.  We were happy.  We loved each other.  But nothing was easy.

I wish she could be here for the triumph.


13 thoughts on “10/10

  1. U are a strong women Daryl … I know in these times you really need that someone with whom u can confine … That someone who can encourage you when you are losing hope… But every thing doesn’t happen the way we want infact if few important things in iur lives happen the way we want we should consider ourselves lucky… No one can take ur mom’s position but god has been great and bestowed you with thumper who is like your mom returning back in our lives by way of thumper.. It is sad that u miss ur mom but now the most important thing is that you have to take care of yourself 🙂 be cheerful and happy there are lot if people in this world who are worse off ….

  2. I’m so sorry, Darly. That’s so incredibly hard. I wish she could be with you to see all these blessings unfold but it’s nice that she got to see you find your husband. I’m sure she knew you would have a good life with him, no matter what your struggles, because you found love. It’s amazing how far that can take you when everything else is a big disappointment.

  3. That is so tough, I’m so sorry she’s not here to see the next chapter in your life. But I’m sure as your mother she knew how things would end up for you: love, happiness, strength, family. Because you’re actively seeking these things out. I’m sure she’d be very proud of you right now. Thinking of you xx

  4. I know not everyone believes this… but I’d just about stake my life on it…. I think she’s with you and she sees everything from the other side. I hope you believe that and that it gives you just a little bit of solace. Life, in it’s very best moments, is always so bittersweet.

  5. I am so so sorry, Daryl. (I shouldn’t be reading blogs at work…) I we and am going through this exact same thing. I still find it hard not having my mom here with me. She never got to know that I got pregnant, had a boy and how wonderful he is. Some days it hits me so hard that I just bawl. I do try to believe that she knows and is with me, but it doesn’t always comfort me totally.
    Sending lots of hugs and Happy Birthday to your mom!

  6. I am so sorry, Daryl. I can feel the pain in your words. It sucks and its not fair. She would beso full of happiness and pride for you, I think. She didn’t raise a wuss, that’s for sure!

  7. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this without your mom. My mom died when I was young, and every step of this journey, from trying to get pregnant, to getting pregnant, to having my little girl has really amplified how much I miss her. I have both an incredible step-mom and amazing MIL, but it is just not the same and it does not take the pain away. Hugs to you!

  8. I don’t know how I missed this blog post, Daryl, but I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hard days and times like these are. My friend Lillian also lost her mom a few years before giving her birth to her daughter and the pain has been especially raw for her since bringing a child into this world. I hope with all my heart, though, that you will see a small piece of your mom in your baby and, in that way, you can hold her close to you and your growing family forever. xo

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