I heard Thumper’s heartbeat at my OB appointment on Monday. It seemed to take forever to find, but it was there, strong and healthy. That was less than a week ago. My next fix isn’t for another three weeks, when we have the anatomy scan. I’ll be almost 19 weeks by then and might be feeling movement. But right now? I got nothin’.
Yesterday I was fine. Hubby and I had brunch with Sincerity and her partner and talked as if this pregnancy is definitely going to result in a healthy baby in 5 1/2 months. Which is the far more likely scenario at this point. But it’s scary to talk or even think in such certain terms. Because I know that nothing is certain.
Maybe I just woke up in a down mood, the kind where keeping your chin up, looking ahead to a happy future, just requires too much energy. So I stare at my feet this morning, scared that everything is going to fall apart around me.
Thumper can probably hear my heartbeat at this stage. Can she hear my thoughts, too? Because they’re so loud inside my own head.
I also asked my OB about the pubic pain I’ve been having. He doubts that it’s Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction this early in my pregnancy and suggested it might be muscular instead. He referred me to a physical therapist, but I ended up having to cancel that appointment because I can’t afford the $257 out-of-pocket it would cost me.
I already have a bill for the first trimester screening just sitting on top of the mail pile, waiting for me to figure out how we’re going to pay it. I
half-jokingly suggested to Hubby that he should sell his plasma during the 2 1/2 months while we wait for his new job to start. I’m also looking into applying for Medicaid to help cover medical bills related to this pregnancy, although, with the government shut down, who knows how long that might take.
I wouldn’t be so worried about our finances if I didn’t already know we’re going to have to obliterate our savings in order to move across the continent. I’m grateful for the opportunity–Hubby deserves it after all this time–but it’s stressful. Everything about this move is stressful, but the money most of all. We’re going to have to figure it out. We have no choice. I just wish that things finally working out for us didn’t also mean two new piles of bills that have to be paid.
I didn’t mean for this to be such a depressing post. I really am happy that we’re finally getting the two things we’ve been waiting and working toward for years. I know that chances are good Thumper will arrive safe and healthy. I know, once we get to Montreal, everything will come together, and it will be the launch pad Hubby needs to get his career off the ground. These are all good things.
I tend to get so bogged down with the details that I forget about the bigger picture. I get so wrapped up in the future I forget to enjoy today. And today I am pregnant. The birds are chirping. The trees are turning a lovely shade of gold-green. These warm autumn days are fleeting, and we should soak them in while we can.