The In-Betweens

I heard Thumper’s heartbeat at my OB appointment on Monday.  It seemed to take forever to find, but it was there, strong and healthy.  That was less than a week ago.  My next fix isn’t for another three weeks, when we have the anatomy scan.  I’ll be almost 19 weeks by then and might be feeling movement.  But right now?  I got nothin’.

Yesterday I was fine.  Hubby and I had brunch with Sincerity and her partner and talked as if this pregnancy is definitely going to result in a healthy baby in 5 1/2 months.  Which is the far more likely scenario at this point.  But it’s scary to talk or even think in such certain terms.  Because I know that nothing is certain.

Maybe I just woke up in a down mood, the kind where keeping your chin up, looking ahead to a happy future, just requires too much energy.  So I stare at my feet this morning, scared that everything is going to fall apart around me.

Thumper can probably hear my heartbeat at this stage.  Can she hear my thoughts, too?  Because they’re so loud inside my own head.

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I also asked my OB about the pubic pain I’ve been having.  He doubts that it’s Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction this early in my pregnancy and suggested it might be muscular instead.  He referred me to a physical therapist, but I ended up having to cancel that appointment because I can’t afford the $257 out-of-pocket it would cost me.

I already have a bill for the first trimester screening just sitting on top of the mail pile, waiting for me to figure out how we’re going to pay it.  I half-jokingly suggested to Hubby that he should sell his plasma during the 2 1/2 months while we wait for his new job to start.  I’m also looking into applying for Medicaid to help cover medical bills related to this pregnancy, although, with the government shut down, who knows how long that might take.

I wouldn’t be so worried about our finances if I didn’t already know we’re going to have to obliterate our savings in order to move across the continent.  I’m grateful for the opportunity–Hubby deserves it after all this time–but it’s stressful.  Everything about this move is stressful, but the money most of all.  We’re going to have to figure it out.  We have no choice.  I just wish that things finally working out for us didn’t also mean two new piles of bills that have to be paid.

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I didn’t mean for this to be such a depressing post.  I really am happy that we’re finally getting the two things we’ve been waiting and working toward for years.  I know that chances are good Thumper will arrive safe and healthy.  I know, once we get to Montreal, everything will come together, and it will be the launch pad Hubby needs to get his career off the ground.  These are all good things.

I tend to get so bogged down with the details that I forget about the bigger picture.  I get so wrapped up in the future I forget to enjoy today.  And today I am pregnant.  The birds are chirping.  The trees are turning a lovely shade of gold-green.  These warm autumn days are fleeting, and we should soak them in while we can.

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10 thoughts on “The In-Betweens

  1. sooo, remember that post of mine where i talked about about my decision to NOT buy a doppler? well, i desperately need to update on many things, one of which is the fact that i ended up buying said doppler a week later. 🙂 i only use it once a week or so, sometimes more sometimes less. but it offers relief when i can’t seem to find it from inside my head. i know that i probably not need it anymore when i start feeling regular movement in a few weeks, but for now, it’s a lovely tool. it’s been three weeks since we last saw ours, and we have two more until we see them again. and it’s made it much more manageable. financial stressors aside, i’m so glad to hear you and thumps are doing well!

  2. I feel you on the moments of intense worry. They still plague me too. And the money stuff is just a total pain in the butt… But you are so right… the chances that all will be well are more probable than not and that the bills will get paid and your new life in canada as parents will be awesome! Yet don’t be down about being down, even when our dreams come true it doesn’t mean we’re also them transported to utopia. Your entitled to freak the f out if you want to! Oh and as to lentil’s post, I too will be buying a doppler. I’m sick of being a head case !

  3. I second Lentil! Dopplers are amazing! They were a life saver before Turkey started moving. The worry never ends. I’m so close to D-Day and I have daily worries. But I don’t want to not enjoy these last few weeks. It’s a hard balance but it’s worth it when you finally let go and just embrace today. So embrace today, friend! Everything else will fall into place.

  4. You have every right to have your down days. It’s scary to be on the verge of having all you want and to know that it can be taken away and it’s completely out of your control. But for what it’s worth, I believe it will all be okay for you, just as I always have. ~ hugs ~

  5. I also indulged in a doppler, weeks ago, and it has been very reassuring. Except when baby hides, and then it is frustrating and nerve-wracking. I’ve finally started feeling movement, so the need for the doppler is less. I’m thinking that you will soon feel Thumper move, and that will be all the reassurance you need. Sending love.

  6. I think that you are in the hardest stage. It gets easier after midway through the second trimester. Then you can sit back and “relax” a bit more as you start to accept, not only the pregnancy, but living life and still appreciating other things while pregnant. You just have to slog through where you are at. And it will be over before you know it.

  7. This is a really stressful time. Give yourself permission to find it stressful, even if the stress is ultimately caused by things you hoped would happen it still is hard to handle all the challenges, especially financially. I hope you find a way to make it all work. Good luck at the next scan. Once you feel the baby moving the anxiety is so much better. I hope that happens soon.

  8. It’s so hard early on, in between reassurance. Keep on focusing on the positive and hopefully time goes by quickly to your next check and to constant reassuring movement!

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