I lay in bed Wednesday night, awake and composing a blog post in my head about how lucky I’ve been with this pregnancy. Lucky that it only took two tries at IVF to get here. Lucky that I had virtually no nausea and could enjoy the early weeks of my pregnancy. Lucky that each ultrasound has been perfect. That Thumper has always been right on track, even a couple of days ahead.
I had finally come to terms with the idea that, not only was this pregnancy going well, but chances were good we were actually going to end up with a real live baby at the end of it.
Then I got a call from my OB’s office yesterday that crapped all over my happy pregnancy parade.
My pap came back abnormal. I’ve never had an abnormal pap in my life. Now I have to go in for a colposcopy at the end of next month.
Two syllables keep forcing their way into my shiny, happy thoughts about Thumper and the future: Cancer.
I have no reason to believe that’s what this is. No family history. No history of STDs. No risky sexual behavior.
And still, that’s where my brain immediately goes. I guess, with this pregnancy going so well, something had to fill the negativity vacuum. Might as well be cancer.
This is a new fear for me. I’ve been terrified of heart disease, Alzheimer’s, and diabetes, given my own family history. And I’ve been scared to death Hubby will be the one to end up with cancer, given how many people in his family it has claimed. I’ve done the occasional self breast exam, but not as regularly as I should. I honestly thought that was one scare I would be able to avoid.
And things were going so well. Things were finally falling into place. Clearly not what I’ve been used to the past five or so years. Now, not only am I paranoid about my own health, but I don’t want anyone going anywhere near my cervix when it’s doing such a beautiful job of keeping Thumper safely inside.
Of course, I’m being ridiculous. I am totally overreacting It’s one abnormal test. It could be nothing. Or next to nothing. It could be a lab error. This was the second attempt at a pap because they somehow lost my swab the first time. Plenty of women have had abnormal paps and ended up just fine. Right?
I am still lucky. I know that. And luckier today, which marks a decade since the first time I laid eyes on Hubby and our first date. For all the ups and downs, it’s been the best 10 years of my life. He has made me happier than I’ve ever been, and now I’m pregnant with his child.
And so, until I know any different, I’m trying to flip the switch from “holy shit, cancer!” to “cancer schmancer.” But I need your help. I need to know that everything is going to be okay. I need to hear it from someone else who’s been there.