Two

Two years ago today, I hit publish on my very first post.  I could not have known then where the next two years would take me.  The roller coaster of repeat SAs, a feeble attempt at IUI, a failed IVF/FET cycle, and the boundless generosity of Hubby’s dad and uncle so we could try again.  All to get here, 23 weeks pregnant.

This anniversary has a strange quality about it.  We haven’t achieved our goal of bringing our first child into the world yet, but we’re so very close now.  And my posts lately have reflected that.  No angsty why-me’s about the unfairness of infertility.  No more wondering if I’ll ever get to experience what seems to come so easily for others.  Because I’m here, experiencing it.  Feeling–and seeing–Thumper move more and more each day.  Planning baby showers and buying maternity clothes.

And while many of my readers (and the bloggers I follow) are also pregnant or already parenting, I know that there are many who are not yet, or who are losing hard-fought pregnancies as mine continues.  I try to be sensitive to that, but I can’t not write about the experience of pregnancy, something for which I’ve waited so long.

Still, I haven’t forgotten what it was like before.  The waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration, anxiety, and sadness.  The hopelessness, at times.  I hope that telling my story, all the way through, will give hope to others, as the first blogs I began reading, well before this space existed, did for me.

Last year, as I wrote my first blogiversary post, I was lamenting yet another setback, another waiting period, before beginning our first round of IVF.  Although I didn’t write it then, I was pretty sure that by now, I would be celebrating this anniversary with a baby (or two) in my arms.  If that first round had worked, I would be.

Instead, Hubby and I were devastated that, not only did our first embryo transfer not result in pregnancy, but we didn’t have any genetically normal embryos left to try again.  A year ago, I claimed to be less naive that when I started this blog.  Now, I can say with certainty that this is true.  My innocence has been replaced with disappointment and failure.  And some bitterness.

But I am healing.  Pregnancy after infertility has that effect.

So today I celebrate this space and the community that has embraced me, lifted me up when I was sinking under the weight of my own broken expectations, and cheered with me as this pregnancy has progressed as it should.

Finally, things are going right.  Happy anniversary, blog, and all of those who’ve made it what it is.  Thank you for the last two years and for the years to come.

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14 thoughts on “Two

  1. I just had my first anniversary this post really resonates with me. I definitely don’t expect you to censor yourself, rather it’s ladies like you who give me hope that maybe by my second blog anniversary I’ll be in your shoes as well.

  2. It’s amazing to me to be on this side of things. After a decade waiting, I was sure I would never heal from the pain of infertility. But, achieving pregnancy gas made life easier in so many ways. I DO feel my heart healing from the bitterness. I was telling Mo the other day that I still find it hard to believe that I will never be in that emotional black hole again. That once baby boy arrives, even if we decide to try again, I’ll never be that childless, angry, bitter woman again. (I may be angry and bitter, but I’ll have that baby we’ve so longed for). It’s still surreal. But I’m so glad we’ve been able to walk this road together! Happy blogoversary!

  3. Happy birthday to your blog! With every post, you have offered your honesty and your inspiration. I’m so glad to have found your blog as early as I did in this journey. Thank you, friend, for sharing every moment with us — the bad and, finally, the good. xo

  4. Happy blogoversary!
    IF sure does change a girl. Even in the after stages when you have your little one home with you, life is different. Thankfully, for me, I do feel better about it all and more easily able to see pregnant women and not get (as) sad and talk about IF and other issues without all the negativity surrounding me. Sometimes it is still a knee-jerk reaction, but definitely much better these days. I hope you continue to heal too!

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