Two years ago today, I hit publish on my very first post. I could not have known then where the next two years would take me. The roller coaster of repeat SAs, a feeble attempt at IUI, a failed IVF/FET cycle, and the boundless generosity of Hubby’s dad and uncle so we could try again. All to get here, 23 weeks pregnant.
This anniversary has a strange quality about it. We haven’t achieved our goal of bringing our first child into the world yet, but we’re so very close now. And my posts lately have reflected that. No angsty why-me’s about the unfairness of infertility. No more wondering if I’ll ever get to experience what seems to come so easily for others. Because I’m here, experiencing it. Feeling–and seeing–Thumper move more and more each day. Planning baby showers and buying maternity clothes.
And while many of my readers (and the bloggers I follow) are also pregnant or already parenting, I know that there are many who are not yet, or who are losing hard-fought pregnancies as mine continues. I try to be sensitive to that, but I can’t not write about the experience of pregnancy, something for which I’ve waited so long.
Still, I haven’t forgotten what it was like before. The waiting, the uncertainty, the frustration, anxiety, and sadness. The hopelessness, at times. I hope that telling my story, all the way through, will give hope to others, as the first blogs I began reading, well before this space existed, did for me.
Last year, as I wrote my first blogiversary post, I was lamenting yet another setback, another waiting period, before beginning our first round of IVF. Although I didn’t write it then, I was pretty sure that by now, I would be celebrating this anniversary with a baby (or two) in my arms. If that first round had worked, I would be.
Instead, Hubby and I were devastated that, not only did our first embryo transfer not result in pregnancy, but we didn’t have any genetically normal embryos left to try again. A year ago, I claimed to be less naive that when I started this blog. Now, I can say with certainty that this is true. My innocence has been replaced with disappointment and failure. And some bitterness.
But I am healing. Pregnancy after infertility has that effect.
So today I celebrate this space and the community that has embraced me, lifted me up when I was sinking under the weight of my own broken expectations, and cheered with me as this pregnancy has progressed as it should.
Finally, things are going right. Happy anniversary, blog, and all of those who’ve made it what it is. Thank you for the last two years and for the years to come.