Spent

I don’t know if it’s 3rd trimester fatigue setting in, this cold I’ve had since Thursday, or just feeling like I don’t have much to say, but I’ve been struggling to write this week.  I’ve tried.  I have several drafts started, but they’re all dead ends.

One of them was about how I gave notice at work on Friday.  How I’ve had one foot out the door since September, when Hubby got the job offer.  How, even if our guess about when he might get news about the work permit is wrong, I’m not changing my mind this time.  I’m done.  And how it only occurred to me that day that I’ll be 32 weeks pregnant by my last day of work.  And who knows how far along I’ll be by the time we actually move.  How scary it is to be moving to a new country that far along in my pregnancy.

We haven’t taken any birthing or parenting classes.  We may or may not be able to do so once we get settled in Montreal.  And honestly?  That’s not my biggest concern about the move right now.  Thumper is coming, whether or not Hubby and I learn the anatomy and physiology of her arrival (which I already have a pretty good grasp on) or the proper way to breathe through contractions.  I’m more concerned about where she will make her first appearance into the world.  (Hopefully not in the car on the way to our new home!)

I have another post started, dating all the way back to the first of the month, about how 2014 should be a year of joy.  We have so many good things on the horizon.  But, somehow, I’m not able to articulate it the way I want to.  For some reason, I have a hard time writing about things going well.  I’m great at vomiting out paragraph after paragraph about how much infertility sucks, and how early pregnancy after infertility is hard, and how moving to another country (pregnant or not) is super stressful.  But when it comes to counting my blessings, I’m kind of terrible at it.  Not that I’m ungrateful.  Because I’m not.  I am acutely aware of how lucky we are to be experiencing so many good things, one on top of another.  And maybe it’s because of that that I can’t write about it.  I know, too, that many out there are still struggling.  With infertility.  With loss.  With complicated, high-risk pregnancies.

Of course, I could write about how I’m stressed about money (like, always).  Hubby’s computer has been on the fritz, so he spent all weekend researching options for a new one and ended up spending nearly $1,300 on an ultrabook.  I know he’s going to need a good computer for his new job, and he used our no-interest-for-a-year credit card, but still.   That’s a big chunk of change.  And our income is going to be significantly less once we move.  I still haven’t gotten an answer from Medicaid, and if there’s any chance we have to pay the growing stack of medical bills ourselves, I don’t know where that money is going to come from.

So my mind has been buzzing with all of these things (not to mention a few I haven’t touched on here), and I haven’t taken the time to properly write about any of them.  I’ve also been going to bed an hour earlier every night, so that cuts into writing time as well.  I don’t want to be the pregnant-after-infertility blogger who disappears when things start going well, as Thumper reminds me every day is the case.  I guess I’m just struggling with what to write about and having the energy to write the way I want to.  But I’m still here.  I’m not going anywhere.

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6 thoughts on “Spent

  1. Don’t worry, you’re just nearing the end. All totally normal. Just take it one day at a time. As you said, she will come when she does, regardless of everything else and all will be fine 🙂

  2. We all struggle with how to “to be” in our spaces from time to time. And you have SO MUCH crazy stuff going on, it is totally understandable that you’d be going through that right now. Just be patient with yourself. And kind. What you want to do here will sort itself out, along with everything else that is causing you stress.

  3. I don’t think it’s strange at all that you feel tired now. There’s so much going on and just moving in itself is stressful. Add all the other things to deal with and being pregnant, well, that would be enough for anyone to feel exhausted. And yes, I got way more tired when I hit the third trimester, my energy level was suddenly not the same and I needed more sleep as well. I’d say totally normal.

  4. This has happened to me too, and I’m not even pregnant. I just find it so much easier to blog when I’m down in the dumps and need to vent my spleen and get validation from the girls on the interwebs. When I’m happy (or even just steady state) I find I have much less to say and am way more boring. You’ve also got lots on your plate right now, so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it!

  5. I am ashamed to admit that I hadn’t blogged for weeks until my Grandpa died. There’s nothing like stress and tragedy and sadness to get those creative juices flowing. And sometimes the dull ache of waiting, waiting to move, waiting to give birth, waiting, waiting, waiting just zaps the hell out of a person! So with all that said, I’m grateful for all posts from you – short, long, sad, happy and/or indifferent! Glad to hear that you’re not going anywhere.

  6. This happened to me it’s the limbo period you can’t believe that happy ending is within sight ( or I couldn’t ). We did no classes, I only packed my bag because I figured I ‘d need it regardless of a good or bad ending at that point, we had minimal baby stuff in fact my mum forced me to sort things at 35 weeks ! So all normal everyone else can get excited for you xx

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