Imagining a Life

It’s official.  Hubby’s work permit was finally approved today.  Four months and one day after he applied for it.

This is huge news because it means we can start moving forward again.  We can reschedule the movers.  We can pay the last few days’ worth of rent we’ll owe our landlady.  We can resume the packing we’ve been putting off for so many weeks.  And–most surreal of all–we can start looking for a place to live in our new city.

I try to imagine what our life will look like after we move to Montreal.  After Thumper is born.  I try to visualize our new home.  I picture it with lots of light and hardwood floors (mostly based on pictures of an apartment we saw online, in a building we can’t afford).  I envision holding and nursing Thumper, though I can’t quite make out her face, even the face I dreamed about two weeks ago.  I see myself kissing Hubby as he leaves for work in the morning, while I stay home with our daughter.

But I can’t quite make it seem real.

I had the same problem before I got pregnant.  During the years spent waiting to begin fertility treatments, saving every penny we could, then the many, many months of Hubby’s treatment before we could even think about IVF–I tried hard to imagine myself pregnant, but I could never quite convince myself.  Even after two rounds of IVF and a positive pregnancy test, it was difficult to see myself as a pregnant person.  It still blows my mind, even now, as I feel the rhythmic pulsing of Thumper’s hiccups in my belly.

After all the years of waiting, of hoping, of longing to get Hubby’s career off the ground and begin to grow our family, it can’t be possible that it’s finally happening all at once.  The reality of our marriage so far has been waiting for the big things to happen, and now they are almost upon us.  And it makes my head spin.

But we’re not there yet.  I can’t help reminding myself that after all the delays, after all the disappointments, things could still go wrong.  Nothing so far has gone according to plan.  There’s no such thing as “supposed to.”

As much as I want to believe that this time will be different, I’ll believe it when I see it.


6 thoughts on “Imagining a Life

  1. Yay for finally getting that work permit! That’s a HUGE step forward!!! And while you are yet not ready to believe this is really happening, I am. I have every confidence that you and your hubby and little Thumper too will be making a life in Montreal before you know it. So excited for you!

  2. I am so excited for your adventure in Canada! Sending positive vibes that you get those hardwood floors and beautiful natural light and that the entire process is smooth and easy and as stress free as it can be. With almost exactly 2 months to go, I too am having a hard time imagining this new life with the baby we’ve wanted for so long! Can’t believe the time has flown by as quickly as it has.

  3. I know exactly how you feel. On the one hand, it’s all finally happening, but it’s hard not to wait for the shoe to drop. It’s all so close now. I really think you should forge ahead with positivity and confidence. This is all a lot to happen at once, but I feel like that is how it always is!

  4. I’m so glad this stuff finally got worked out! And the best part is that hopefully the worst part of winter will be over when you arrive, so you won’t be depressed and immediately want to turn around and go back to the US. 😉

  5. Even when everything falls into place it’s never like you think it will be. Brace yourself, it’s an amazing ride. Congrats on the work permit!

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