It’s official. Hubby’s work permit was finally approved today. Four months and one day after he applied for it.
This is huge news because it means we can start moving forward again. We can reschedule the movers. We can pay the last few days’ worth of rent we’ll owe our landlady. We can resume the packing we’ve been putting off for so many weeks. And–most surreal of all–we can start looking for a place to live in our new city.
I try to imagine what our life will look like after we move to Montreal. After Thumper is born. I try to visualize our new home. I picture it with lots of light and hardwood floors (mostly based on pictures of an apartment we saw online, in a building we can’t afford). I envision holding and nursing Thumper, though I can’t quite make out her face, even the face I dreamed about two weeks ago. I see myself kissing Hubby as he leaves for work in the morning, while I stay home with our daughter.
But I can’t quite make it seem real.
I had the same problem before I got pregnant. During the years spent waiting to begin fertility treatments, saving every penny we could, then the many, many months of Hubby’s treatment before we could even think about IVF–I tried hard to imagine myself pregnant, but I could never quite convince myself. Even after two rounds of IVF and a positive pregnancy test, it was difficult to see myself as a pregnant person. It still blows my mind, even now, as I feel the rhythmic pulsing of Thumper’s hiccups in my belly.
After all the years of waiting, of hoping, of longing to get Hubby’s career off the ground and begin to grow our family, it can’t be possible that it’s finally happening all at once. The reality of our marriage so far has been waiting for the big things to happen, and now they are almost upon us. And it makes my head spin.
But we’re not there yet. I can’t help reminding myself that after all the delays, after all the disappointments, things could still go wrong. Nothing so far has gone according to plan. There’s no such thing as “supposed to.”
As much as I want to believe that this time will be different, I’ll believe it when I see it.