I can’t help but think about our wishes to try to make baby girl a big sister.
It’s complicated, of course, and not just because our three PHOIs (potential humans on ice) are back in our hometown. There’s the fact that both Hubby and I are currently unemployed and living in a foreign country. We have no idea when or where Hubby’s next job might be, whether we’d be lucky enough to land in a state or country where fertility treatments are covered by insurance. Whether it might be worth it to move our PHOIs or try another fresh cycle before my ovaries get any older.
Because of infertility, we don’t get to choose the timing anyway, but even that is further complicated by the fact that I do plan to nurse baby girl for as long as we both want to. I haven’t asked Dr. C specifically, but I know that many clinics will not proceed with fertility treatments on lactating women (even though fertile women get pregnant while nursing all the time). Plus, as long as I’m nursing, I have no idea when or if my cycle might return. There are no signs of it yet, and I’m guessing as long as baby girl continues to nurse several times a day and twice at night, it’s not in any hurry. What I don’t want to do is push baby girl to wean before she’s ready, based on the hope that we might be able to have another child, when that is far from guaranteed.
And yet, I don’t want to wait too long to give her a sibling. I would like (if we’re that lucky) for them to be close enough in age that they’ll not only be siblings but friends. I have six brothers and sisters, but I’m only close with my younger sister, who is two years younger than me. The age gap between me and my next older brother is seven years. He tormented me as a child, and as adults, we don’t speak. We’re facebook “friends,” but that is the extent of our regular communication. I want to do everything I can to make baby girl’s experience different.
We’ve discussed our options mostly as hypothetical situations because, let’s face it, at this point, it’s all moot. My ideal would be for Hubby to get a job sooner rather than later, that we move and get settled somewhere, and then baby girl weans on her own and we’re able to try a FET (with as many embryos as Dr. C recommends) this summer.
That’s highly optimistic (which is unusual for me).
What’s more likely is that we hang in this limbo for as long as it takes for Hubby to find a job, for us to relocate, and for baby girl to wean in her own time. Then, given our history, the FET may or may not take, and we’ll be faced with the daunting decision of whether or not to try another fresh cycle or invest our time, money, and emotions elsewhere, whether that be fostering, adoption, or being content with our family of three.
Like I said, we’re not in a place where we can make any decisions now. But that doesn’t stop my brain from churning out one scenario after another. All while I should be spending that energy reveling in wonderment at the child that is here. And I do. It’s just that each moment, however brief, stolen by the torment of these what-ifs, is a moment with my girl I’ll never get back.