I wanted to write a post about yoga–not the 30-day challenge I did several weeks ago, but the pretzel poses baby girl gets herself into, how flexible babies are, etc…but it would be so much cuter with photos, which a) I don’t have and b) I wouldn’t post here anyway unless you couldn’t see Missy’s face.

Besides, I have something else to write about, something I have danced around and avoided and denied, something that finally needs to be said.

In the last year, my emotions have been all over the place. Extreme highs, extreme lows, sometimes both at once. Maybe it’s hormones, especially that hormone crash in the early days. Maybe it’s “situational,” as I was told by one of the lactation consultants. And, yes, we’ve had a laundry list of stressors in the last year that have contributed to the yo-yo I’ve been experiencing. But more and more, I’m beginning to admit to myself that it could be something else.

It’s worst with my husband. I snap at him, pick fights, accuse him if neglecting our daughter. And then I blame it on sleep deprivation, on the situation we’re in, on the fact that we’re stranded here without family, without friends, and now without an income. And all of those things are true.

But what if there’s more to it? What if I’ve been dealing with PPD or PPA all this time? What if, in my bull-headedness, I’ve been denying myself the help I need?

Not that it would necessarily be easy to come by. From the brief conversation I’ve had about it with one of the breastfeeding clinic doctors, most counseling is not covered by our government health insurance. There is something available through our local community health clinic, but apparently the wait list is quite long. I never checked into it because, as I said, until the past few days, I’ve been in big-time denial.

So it’s time to investigate, see what kind of help I can get in the (hopefully) limited time we have left in this city. In the meantime, I’m thinking of trying the Listener app. Has anyone else used this?

Anyway, these posts are supposed to be about my daughter. This is me trying to be the best mother to her that I can. And, right now, that means asking for help, which I am really, really bad at doing. I hope to teach her to be better at it.


5 thoughts on “Yo-yo

  1. the yo-yo is a stinky feeling. You probably pick at your husband because you feel safe so thats one tiny positive. Sleep really really does help, so does food, and water. Total no brain advice there but when you are in the pit it is hard to do even the simple things. I’ve been there too and I don’t want to feed your denial either but try to fix the basics first. – love from a stranger….

    • Sleep does help–a lot–but my daughter is not a great sleeper, so I don’t get a lot of sleep either. I try to take naps when I can, but a lot of times I don’t feel better immediately after a nap, so it doesn’t seem worth it. And, yes, I’m sure it’s because of our relationship that I pick on my husband, just like kids often show their worst behavior only to their parents, but it’s still not fair to him, and I feel really bad about it. Thanks for the love. It helps to know I’m not alone in this.

  2. Despite having baby girl, this year has been full of a lot of hardships for you guys. It’s no wonder you’re having ups and downs. I hope you manage to find someone to talk to about stuff in real life and get some support.

    • Thanks, friend. It helps that others acknowledge this has been a hard year for us. Still, even if what I’m feeling is “situational” (versus–I don’t know–chemical?), I’m sure it would help to talk to someone. And, of course, tonight my husband says, “You could talk to me,” which makes me feel like a shifty wife because I really haven’t been talking to him about any of this. That’s got to change, too.

  3. It definitely couldn’t hurt to find someone to talk to. You guys have been through a lot of ups and downs and like you said – no friends or family. I can’t imagine what that would do to me as a woman and mother. It sounds like you need to find a community, a support system. You need people in your life and to not feel isolated. you could very well be dealing with PPD or even just depression and/or anxiety and it can be a tough subject to talk about. Keep writing and see if you can find a local mom’s group to join, find a councilor you can chat with. I hope you find the “happy” you are looking for.

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